


If Stowing Away is the Best Idea You've Got, You Need to Have Better Ideas

by AntagonizedPenguin



Series: How Best to Use a Sword [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Birds are hellspawn, Blow Jobs, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Humour, I think so anyway, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Sadness, Self-Esteem Issues Related to Body Image, Those tags all in a row make the story seem super weird, Those things don't all happen in the same chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2018-04-27 12:58:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 38
Words: 80,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5049490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntagonizedPenguin/pseuds/AntagonizedPenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not that Pax minds being made a cabin boy (it beats being thrown off the ship that he stowed away on).</p><p>The ship is pretty decent, all things considered (he wishes they weren't so liberal about modesty, though). </p><p>It's just that he has places to go and doesn't have time for distractions (the first mate is distractingly hot).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If Stowing Away is the Best Idea You've Got, You Need to Have Better Ideas

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I try to be funny, so then this happened.

It was possible, though not likely, that stowing away hadn’t been a particularly good idea. Pax always had good ideas, so more likely was that it had been a good idea that was simply not panning out in the way he’d imagined. 

In retrospect, he wasn’t sure how he’d imagined it would work anyway. It was nearly a month to White Cape from Bright Harbour, and it seemed to him now that going a whole month onboard a ship without anyone knowing he was there had been a bit farfetched. It had been pretty much inevitable that he was going to get caught. 

Still, Pax hoped that Past Pax never found out how quickly it had actually happened, because three hours was just embarrassingly short. Also on the list of things that Past Pax (and other people) should never learn were the exact octave to which his voice had dropped when he’d been grabbed and how ineffectually he slapped and kicked at the huge man who had lifted him out of his crate. “Let me go, let me go!”

“Look what I found here.” The huge man said, holding Pax up by the collar to look him in the eye. “A stray cat wandered in off the dock.” He was all body hair and muscles and Pax really wished he would let go.

“Play nice, Peak.” Another man, a little shorter but also far too muscled and broad, said from beside the man holding Pax. “You’re scaring the poor girl.”

“Not a girl!” Pax shouted, giving up and going limp. 

“What’s wrong with being a girl, boy?”

“Nothing.” The first person who had ever broken Pax’s nose had been a girl. “I just happen to not be one, and I’m also not a cat and also do you think you could put me down? It’s getting hard to breathe like this.”

“Sure.” The man named Peak said, carrying Pax over to the ship’s rail and dangling his feet over. “Cats are good swimmers, right? Or was that dogs? I don’t remember.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Pax shouted kicking his legs again. This was making him seem tiny and he was a perfectly normal sized person. “I changed my mind! And I can’t swim! Don’t drown me!”

“Why not?”

“Because…” Pax cast around for something. “Because I’m under a protection spell! Whoever kills me will be under a curse for the rest of his life!” Sailors were notoriously suspicious, so maybe that would convince them. 

The man beside Peak laughed. “Is that so, lad?” He made some gesture and Peak let him back over the railing and dropped him. Pax scrambled to his feet, moving out of the man’s reach. They let him, because it wasn’t like there was anywhere for him to run. Other members of the ship’s crew were around the deck and watching as well. “You’d think someone as quick-mouthed as you would be able to get passage somewhere without stowing away.”

“You’d think.” Pax grumbled. “A quick mouth isn’t worth as much as a purse of silver, as it turns out.” 

“Might be, depending on how you use it.” The second man said, and Pax coloured and looked away. It wasn’t like he hadn’t…considered that as a possibility, but this had seemed more feasible at the time. Besides, ew. 

“What do you want to do with him, Pick?” Pick and Peak. Pax wondered if they were brothers. 

“We could eat him.” Pick tilted his head. “Couldn’t be worse than the usual mush.”

Pax paled, tried to back away into the railing of the ship. “No, I taste really bad. Just look at me, I’m all pale and freckly. You wouldn’t like me, I swear.”

“It’s what’s under the skin that matters.” Peak grinned. “You’re nice and chubby, lots of meat on you.”

“Hey!” Pax protested, rising up to his full height and pretending it was intimidating. “I’m a perfectly healthy weight, thank you.” Maybe he was a little thick around the middle, but that was just because the air in the south didn’t agree with him as much as the food did. He would lose it now that he was travelling again. “And besides, curse, remember? A sorceress put it on me as gratitude for saving her life. Whoever kills me will shrivel up and lose all their skin.” 

“That sounds like it would hurt.” Pick agreed. “Too bad you’re full of shit.” 

“Am not!” Pax was a very good liar, but he was used to this tactic—people pretending they knew he was lying to see if they could catch him. Too bad he was smarter than that. 

“Let’s take him to see the captain.” Pick said, and Peak reached out and grabbed Pax’s shoulder. “She’ll decide.” 

Pax didn’t like the tone of voice Pick used and protested even as he was hauled across the deck to the front cabin. “Wait, we don’t need to do that, do we? Can’t we work this out civilly? An agreement between gentlemen? Our little secret? I mean, bosses, I am right? You really want to get her involved in something like this? She’s just going to chew you out and what good does that do? Guys? Hey, can’t you hear me?”

They clearly couldn’t hear him, despite how much he tried to get through all the hair in their ears. Pick knocked on the door to the cabin and a moment later threw the door open. “Sorry to interrupt, Cap’n.” He said, shouldering into the room and gesturing for Peak to follow him with Pax. 

“We’re barely out of port.” A woman’s voice said impatiently, but Pax couldn’t see her around the huge man. She had a deep and gravelly voice, which Pax assumed went with a fat and warty woman. “What could possibly have gone wrong already?”

“We found a stray cat.” Pick said, moving aside to make room for the two of them and giving Pax a good view of the captain. She was definitely not fat and warty—a long, tan woman with a river of dark hair cascading down her back and the triangular features of the western continent. She had left the top of her tunic unlaced and Pax thought the case that someone might get hurt if she spun around too quickly was probably pretty easy to make. He always assumed that women who were proportioned like that were hiding something in there, a knife at the very least. He would. He did, on his inner thigh, high enough up that his reaching for it could be disguised as manly scratching if necessary. 

“Now, how did that happen?” The captain asked, looking at Pax sideways. He tried to appear small and vulnerable, hoping he could play on some latent maternal instinct. She was probably the type who was married to her ship, but it was worth a shot. 

“We moved the crate he was hiding in. He squeaked.” 

“I did not!” Pax said, glaring up at Pick. “And you should move things more gently. Unless all of your cargo is granite slabs you’re going to break something tossing crates around like that.” His scowl didn’t have much effect, but Pax tried it anyway. 

“What I meant.” Said the captain, bringing Pax’s attention back to her. “Is how did he get on the ship? Did you not inspect the crates when they were brought on? Or was nobody guarding the gangway?” 

Well, at least someone other than him was in trouble, though they had been inspecting crates and the gangway had been guarded. Peak explained that in what Pax thought were fairly stuttering tones and he internally scoffed. There was hardly any reason to be afraid of this captain; she didn’t even know how to lace up a shirt, how frightening could she be?

The captain turned her attention back to Pax and he suddenly found himself fighting the urge to cower. “How did you get on my ship, little cat?”

“Climbed up the side.” Pax muttered. It had been the only way on.

“You did? And nobody saw you? Hm.”

“I climbed up the _other_ side.” He felt the need to clarify. “The one not facing the dock. I swam from the next pier and climbed up the side where nobody could see. Then I waited until nobody was looking and I got over the railing and hid in the crate.” He technically wasn’t finished drying yet, but he didn’t imagine the captain needed to know the exact state of his smallclothes at the moment. 

The captain and the two men both just looked at him for a minute before the captain burst out laughing. It was quite the boisterous laugh. “You really wanted to be on the _Sparkling Wind_ , didn’t you? Where are you headed with such determination?”

“White Cape.” 

“Why?”

“My…parents live there.” Pax extemporised. He was good at extemporising, but he probably should have thought up a story in advance. “I have to go home.”

“Your parents live there.” The captain settled back in her chair, looking amused. “And you don’t?”

“No. Because I was kidnapped as a baby and sold into slavery. I grew up as a house slave for a wealthy bean merchant in Bright Harbour, and last month he let slip that that was where he got me from. So I finally escaped and now I have to go home and see my parents, so that they know I’m alive.” That was a good story, Pax thought. It was pretty airtight if only because there was no way for them to check it. 

“Slavery.” The captain repeated. “That’s terrible.”

“Yes.” Pax agreed, tugging on that thread. “They used to beat me. All the time. You know, like for fun and stuff. I had to sleep with the dogs and eat pigeons.” 

“Slavery was outlawed in Bright Harbour decades ago.” 

Shit. “Well, this guy was super old so I guess he didn’t care. Or maybe he didn’t know. He was a bit senile, didn’t even know my name most of the time. All of his children were just waiting for him to die so that they could inherit his property and wealth.” Pax nodded to show how truthful his story was. 

“What ungrateful children.” 

“Definitely.” Pax said. “I mean can you even imagine. Kids these days, am I right?” He laughed. “No sense of responsibility or hard work. They were going to dissolve his bean business and everything, just for the extra gold. It just hurts the soul.” 

“Hm.” The captain looked at Pax for a long minute. “What’s your name?”

“Pax.” Pax said, thinking that he should think of a false name and then realizing that he’d already said his real one. Oops. 

“Pax, as in Pascal? After the warrior king?”

“Sage king.” Pax corrected automatically. Trust some dumb sailor not to know that basic bit of history. That wasn’t why that was his name anyway, but he preferred to pretend it was the reason. 

“Right. And how does a house slave know that, I wonder?”

Pax’s eyes widened a little as he realized his mistake. “Well. I’m a really well-educated house slave, obviously. The old guy thought it was really important that his slaves know stuff. Just, you know, in case.”

“The old guy who didn’t know your name thought it was important to educate you about history?”

“Yeah.” Pax said, wishing he’d pretended to be a farmer’s son instead. Or an expat prince or an exiled wizard or something. “He was a bit touched in the head.” 

The captain gave him another long look, openly smirking at him. Pax held his ground, meeting her gaze firmly. Finally she leaned forward, creating some alarming shifting in the chest region. “I like the fact that you’re willing to stick to your story no matter how much water it takes on. You’ve got balls.”

“I know, they’re pretty good friends with my right hand.” Pax said, colouring immediately. Probably shouldn’t have just said the first thing that came to mind. Sometimes he regretted that witty charm was his default state. 

The captain just laughed again, though. “Alright. I have a very firm policy about letting stowaways on my ship.” She paused, considering. “Which is that they’re not allowed on. But come to think of it I don’t have much of one about what to do with them if they do get onboard.” 

“That seems like an important oversight in your ship’s rules.” Pax said. “Loopholes like that are just begging to be exploited by some dumb fuck who thinks he’s smarter than he is. You should really get someone to look at them and see about rewording some things.” 

“I’ll have the first mate do it.” The captain said. “In the meantime, I have to decide what to do with you, now don’t I?”

“Let’s throw him overboard.” Pick suggested. “He talks too much and he smells funny.”

“Trust me, you’re not one to talk about smell.” Pax said, sniffing. “You could use a bath, you know.”

“We could oil him up like a pig and let whoever catches him first decide.” Peak said, and Pax scowled up at him. 

“Or.” Pax said, raising a finger to indicate that this was a really good idea. “Or, we could give him free passage to White Cape in recognition of his bravery and skill in sneaking on board.” His stomach grumbled. “And maybe some food.”

“We could feed him his own…”

“I think.” The captain interrupted, holding up a hand. “That I could use a cabin boy.” 

“Do you want me to help you find one?” Pax asked. “I know this couple who’ve got like eight sons and they’re just begging people to take them as apprentices and whatnot. I could probably get you the twins, even. Two for the price of one?”

“Or you could do it.” The captain told him.

“Or I could do it.” Pax agreed, though he really didn’t think that was as good an idea as his. “I mean, it’s a little below my potential, you know, cleaning stuff and getting you food and whatnot, but that’s fine. Though if you need a new first mate or anything, I could find some new employment for the old one.”

“I like my current first mate.” She stretched, waved at Pick and Peak in dismissal. They looked at each other before turning to leave, and Pax waved at them as well to hurry them along. “What I need is someone to clean and get me food. Can you read a naval map?”

“Yes.” 

“What an interesting skill for a house slave to have.” The captain said, smiling. “And are you telling the truth about that? If you’re not I’ll know fairly quickly and be very unhappy.”

“No, I really can.” Pax thought for a second. “One of the old guy’s kids was a navigator for the navy and she taught me. So I mean, I’m probably used to much more sophisticated maps than yours, but I can make do.” 

She nodded at a map tacked to the wall. “Where are we?”

Pax sighed, but tolerated the insult to his abilities with great dignity, looking up at the map. “Right here.” He said, pointing.

“Alright. I’m Natalie, but you’ll call me Captain.” 

“Got it, boss.” She looked at him. “Captain.”

“Come with me.” She stood, gestured for him to follow as she left the cabin. “I’ll take you to the first mate and get him to show you around the ship.”

“Sure. Just between you and me, should I, you know, avoid using big words around him?” Captains should be able to tell these things to their cabin boys in confidence, Pax thought. 

She paused, holding back a smile. “From what I’ve seen you’d be best to avoid talking altogether. Otherwise he’s like to eat you for lunch.”

“Sounds like a fun gent.” Pax muttered, letting Natalie lead him out onto the deck. People looked at them, but Pax held his head high. He had as much right to be here as anyone.

“Where’s Nate?” Natalie demanded of nobody in particular. 

“His cabin, last we saw.” A tall woman who was really rocking the no hair look called back, not looking up from the very important something that she was doing with ropes over on the other side of the deck. Pax wondered if he might have to learn things about how ships worked in order to be a cabin boy. 

“Lazy twit.” Natalie muttered, picking up speed as she strode around the side of the ship, forcing Pax to stumble awkwardly after her. Thankfully he wasn’t seasick, but moving around on the deck was a bit of a challenge. 

They came around a corner to another door, which Natalie opened without knocking, walking into the first mate’s cabin. “Nate. Really, a nap at this time of day?” 

Pax followed her in, wondering who the hell had been steering the ship if the captain and first mate had both been in their cabins. There were some serious issues with the command structure of this vessel. Maybe he’d try to fix that, but before he could mention it he caught sight of the first mate on his bunk and stopped, blinking.

The first mate was hardly older than Pax himself, and he shared Natalie’s colouring, though he wasn’t as long or angular as she. He was laying naked in his bunk, one hand cradling himself. That and the drying puddles of first mate juice on his chest and belly made it pretty plain to someone of Pax’s considerable skill for deduction to realize what Nate had been doing before he fell asleep. He was half sitting up, rubbing sleep out of his eyes with his free hand. “The fuck, Cap’n? A guy can’t sleep?”

“Not anymore.” Natalie grabbed Pax’s collar and shoved him forward. “I’ve hired a cabin boy. Show him around the ship, would you?”

Nate blinked at him and Pax felt himself go cold. Nate was really kind of a little bit hot. “How did he…did he stow away?”

“He swam from the other pier and climbed over the railing.”

“He’s got balls.”

“So he’s assured me.” 

“Fine, I’ll show him around.” Nate sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and rubbing his face. 

“Most gracious of you.” Natalie turned, headed back for the door. “I’ll leave him in your capable hands.” Nate waved her out of the room and looked up at Pax. 

Pax looked back down, trying not to be intimidated. The first mate and the captain’s cabin boy were probably pretty much equals, so it wasn’t like this kid was his boss or anything. He thought. “So. Um, hi?” Pax offered, since Nate wasn’t saying anything.

“Hi. Grab me that rag there so I can clean up first.”

“Sure!” Pax squeaked and jumped to grab it off a bedside table, glad for the chance to look away from Nate. He was growing a little more willing, in the circumstances, to consider the possibility that this stowing away hadn’t actually been a great idea after all.


	2. Making the Best of a Situation is Hard if You Can't Shut Your Mouth

“So…I’ll just wait outside, or…” Pax trailed off at the look Nate gave him.

“Why?” Nate asked, wiping himself with the rag and standing to look for his pants. “Don’t know what you think I’m hiding, kid.”

“Not a kid!” Pax bristled. “In fact I’m pretty sure I’m older than you.”

“Really.” Nate looked at him pretty hard, as if he could measure that. “You’re like ten.”

“I am absolutely much older than that! I’m almost twenty.” Pax lied. “I just look really young. It runs in my family, we all look a lot younger than we are, you should see my grandmother. In fact, I’m old enough that me being in this room while you’re not dressed is probably kind of creepy and you should be creeped out by it.” 

“I’m not.” Nate smiled at him in a way that Pax interpreted as predatory. “And I don’t believe you.”

“Well, you should believe me. I can tell from your, you know, general physical development that you’re younger than me.” 

“Is that so?”

“Yes. You don’t have enough body hair or muscle definition in any of the right places and I…”

“You want to prove it?” Nate asked, interrupting him.

“What.” Pax shook his head, disoriented momentarily. Being pulled out of speaking mid-rant was a bit of a challenge. “Prove what?”

“Take off your clothes. We can compare body hair and muscle definition.” Nate smirked.

“Well, that’s a very inappropriate thing to ask someone you just met.” Pax backed away, hands in front of him. He stumbled over a chest. “You’re going to need to learn some social niceties if we’re going to be working together. Like wearing pants. Pants are an important part of the wardrobe for any man of today, you know.”

“I think they’re negotiable.” Nate said, though he did find a loose pair and pull them on, belting them with a length of fabric. Pax tried to put out of his mind that he now knew for a fact that Nate wasn’t wearing smallclothes. Maybe that was a sailor thing. “I bet I could negotiate you out of yours.”

“Nope!” Pax said, trying to back away again and hitting the wall. Boy, these cabins weren’t very big. “I like my pants, I’m going to keep them on, all the time forever. Pants are an important tradition where I’m from, taking them off would dishonour my ancestors and their ancestors and their ancestors’ pets.”

“Oh, this is going to be fun.” Nate muttered, pulling on a shirt that was cut low enough Pax wondered if it were the captain’s. “You know you’re on a ship, right?”

“Yes.” Pax nodded. “The ocean on all sides and general smell of salt everywhere convinced me off that. Also rope, have you noticed that there’s a lot of rope on ships? You guys all have some sort of rope thing, don’t you? I don’t have a rope thing, leave me out of your rope thing.”

“You talk a lot, has anyone ever told you that?”

“Yes, actually.” Pax smiled. “Most people tell me that. It’s a nervous habit. But I’m not nervous right now. I’m actually very calm, but I’m a very empathetic person and I can tell that I’m making you nervous, which happens a lot because a lot of people find me intimidating, and your nervousness is projecting onto me and making me babble a little bit.” He took a breath. “You should really calm down. I’m not going to bite you.”

“What if I want you to bite me?”

“Nope!” Pax said, turning around before he realized that wasn’t where the door was because it was beside Nate. “Not doing that, not going there.”

“Anyway, like I was saying…”

“Like you were saying!” Pax said, pointing at Nate. “You were saying something and you should say it. People who don’t finish what they were saying are the worst types of people to talk to.”

“Like I was saying.” Nate said, his smile showing some teeth now. “You’re on a ship now. We don’t really do the modesty thing.” 

“Well, it seems to me that just because you’re on a ship doesn’t mean you have to be barbarians, I mean honestly. I guess it’s going to be my job to civilize you people before we get to White Cape.”

“What I mean is there’s no room for that. The latrine is the ship’s railing. The crew quarters is one room below deck. When it rains we all head onto the deck and shower in it. You’ll need to get over any sort of misplaced embarrassment you have about that sort of thing.”

“I’m don’t have any embarrassment about that sort of thing.” Pax said, finding it much easier to talk to Nate now that he was dressed. “I’m perfectly comfortable with my body. I’ve just learned that uncovering isn’t usually worth the jealousy that I inspire in people and besides,” he continued, not letting Nate say whatever he was going to say with that look, “I get cold easily and I’d freeze to death wandering around in the nude. So does the captain always just walk into your cabin?” He asked, to change the subject.

“Yeah.” Nate nodded. “It’s her ship.”

“Okay.” That made sense, Pax supposed. They stood there for a second with Nate just watching him, and Pax felt the need to fill the silence. “Besides, you’re more into modesty than you say anyway. If you weren’t, why’d you come in here to…do what you did? Just do it out on the deck.” There. Pax raised his head in victory. It was clear that Nate was just a hypocrite and probably wanted to sleep with him. 

“Because I wanted to have a nap after.” Nate said evenly. “And if I’d done it on the deck I’d have been in someone’s way, and people would have offered to help me and I wasn’t in the mood.” He raised an eyebrow, which was a skill that Pax thought was stupid and useless and he wished he could do it. 

“Oh.” Pax felt his voice straining at the barrage of mental images he was getting of Nate in various positions, and moved to reach for the door. “Well, I think you’re supposed to be showing me around the ship and so far you haven’t done that, and your shirking of your duties will be going in my report. Let’s go.”

“You’re adorable.” Nate said, letting Pax open the door and leading him out onto the deck. “Kind of like a kitten, but I kitten who I hope will fuck me, you know?”

Pax turned the colour of some particularly pungent beets he’d eaten a few weeks ago. “Kittens are very small.” He squeaked. “If you’re sexually attracted to kittens I urge you to seek help. Kittens are very small and you will hurt them. Besides, cats have barbed genitalia and I don’t expect you would enjoy that particularly. Genitalia is your penis, in case you didn’t know. You seem like you might not have known that.”

“Do you have barbed genitalia?” Nate asked, leading him around to the deck that he’d already seen. All the same people were out working on their very important ocean ship working things. 

“No!” 

“Do you have genitalia at all?”

“Yes.” Pax said irritably.

“Can I see it?”

“No, stop asking questions about what’s in my pants!” Pax grabbed himself carefully, and suddenly realized how loudly he’d said that. A lot of people were directing looks at them. “You’re going to introduce me to all these people, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, no.” Nate shook his head. “I’m not your dad. You can introduce yourself later. Come on.”

“Uh, okay.” Pax really didn’t think Nate was doing a great job with this whole showing him around the ship thing. 

Nate showed him the galley, the crew quarters and the cargo hold, and where everything important was on the deck and things that were named things ‘rigging’ and ‘mast’ that sounded very important and ship-like. They ended up at the raised area at the front of the ship, which probably had a name but Pax hadn’t been listening, where the steering wheel was. 

At the end of it all Nate waved away someone who was steering the ship and took the wheel himself, which Pax thought was very impressive but pretended he didn’t. “So how does someone as young as you get to be first mate? It’s obviously not based on seniority.” 

“I’ve been on this ship my whole life.” Nate said, looking down at a compass. “Some of the crew have been around longer than me, but not many.”

“Still, why you? Doesn’t the captain want someone, you know.” Pax crinkled up his face. “Older? Did you say you’d been here your whole life? What, did she kidnap you as a baby? That’s awful.” 

“She didn’t kidnap me. I was born on the ship.” 

“Oh, so your parents are part of the crew? What do they think about you being their boss?”

“You’re not very smart, are you?”

“I’m very smart!” Pax said, indignant. “I was reading philosophical treatises when I was six and suggesting diplomatic moves when I was eight. I was top of my class in the academy and…”

“What academy was that?”

Pax looked at him for a second, thrown by the question. He hadn’t meant to let the truth slip in there, but being smart was one of the only things he’d had going for him for a while, he couldn’t stand by and let that be insulted. “The academy of mind your own fucking business.” He grumbled.

“I’ve heard that’s a good school. Why’d they kick you out?”

“Maybe I left.” Pax looked away, out over the ocean. It was very, very big. “They got jealous of me and started accusing me of stuff. You know, cheating, stealing from the professors, violating the dress code, that sort of thing. I didn’t want to suffer the indignity so I left.” 

“Is anything you say ever the truth?” Nate asked, not taking his eyes off the ocean. Did he think they were going to hit something?

“I’m always truthful!” Pax said, crossing his arms. “They used to call me Truthful Pax back home, but I made them stop because that’s a dumb name. I wanted to be Tall Pax but I couldn’t because that would have been a lie.” 

“And so they called you Noisy Pax instead, right?”

“Actually, they called me Fuck-Up.” Pax wandered away a few steps, not wanting to talk about this anymore. “Should I be doing something?” He asked. “Are there important cabin boy duties that I should be fulfilling?”

“Probably not.” Pax could hear the shrug in Nate’s voice. “We’ve never had one but I don’t think they do much. Get her food and clean shit and run and find people when she wants messages sent and can’t see the person to yell at them. Stay the hell out of the way. If you’re worried about it go ask the captain. She likes being bothered.”

“Yeah, I got that impression.” Pax muttered. “She’s your mom, right?”

“Yeah.”

“That makes the whole walking in on you jerking it thing a bit weird, you know.”

“Only for you.” 

“Obviously I’m the only one whose opinion is worth hearing.” Pax shook his head. “I’m going to go introduce myself to people. Yell at me if you want anything.”

“You’re not my cabin boy.” Nate said as Pax retreated from the steering place. “If you were I’d punish you for violating the dress code. You’re wearing too many clothes. I’m hot just looking at you.”

“You’re hot anyway.” Pax growled, then paled when he realized he’d said it aloud and that Nate had probably heard him. He fled to meet the crew with Nate’s laughter at his back.


	3. A Ship Runs More Smoothly If Orders Are Obeyed

“You look like a lobster.” 

Pax frowned up at Nate, who was blocking the sun. “You know, just because you live on a boat doesn’t mean you need to go out of your way to employ trite nautical metaphors. You could have said I look like a tomato, or an angry pimple or a hot pepper anything else that’s red.”

“But you look like a boiled lobster.” Nate grinned down at him, obviously not intending to move. “Makes me want to eat you.”

“I have a _sunburn._ ” Pax said, looking back down at the boots he was cleaning. “It’s a normal reaction to being out in the _sun_ all the time.”

“I don’t have a sunburn.”

“I have a fair complexion.”

“You’re a cabin boy.” Nate pointed out. “You could stay in the cabin.” 

“Then how would I know if the captain needed me for something?” Pax asked. “Besides, the cabin gets stuffy if someone’s in it all day and then the captain might have trouble sleeping.” 

“You’re really into this whole cabin boy thing, aren’t you?”

“I believe in doing things properly.” Pax scrubbed a little more aggressively at the one spot of…something that he couldn’t get off the boot. Maybe he could name the spot Nate. “Not something I’d expect you to understand. Don’t you have a job to be doing or something?”

“I am.” Nate said, sitting beside him. “Part of the first mate’s duties is to keep an eye on the well-being and morale of the crew. You’re not looking too well.”

“I’m just sunburnt, Nate. I’m sure it will be fine in a little while.” It actually hurt quite a lot, but Pax wasn’t about to complain about that. 

“Do you want me to kiss it better?”

“Fuck off.”

“I like it when you swear. It’s the only time you talk like a real person.”

“It’s not my fault you don’t know what real people talk like.” Pax sighed. “Please go look out for other people’s morale and well-being, would you?”

“Why don’t you at least go sit in the shade and do that?” Some of the barrels on the deck cast a long enough shadows for Pax to sit in, and the cabins did as well. 

“I’m trying not to be in the way.” Pax muttered. He was perched on top of a crate that was nailed shut and unlikely to be opened any time soon. Everyone on the _Sparking Wind_ was always running around doing things and he was worried someone would trip over him or something. 

“Pax.” Nate said, tone changing to a more serious one. “You’re hot.” Pax levelled a glare at Nate, but he didn’t mean it that way—for once. “I can see it from the front deck. You’re sweating like crazy.”

“I sweat a lot.” Pax said, wishing Nate would stop pointing out things about him that were gross. “It’s not that weird.”

“I can see you nodding off every once in a while, and you had to grab that polish three times before you got it. You’re getting heat stroke and you’re going to pass out. Do you have to wear such warm clothes?”

“I don’t have any other clothes to wear.” It wasn’t like he’d had time to pack before leaving Bright Harbour, and the long sleeves and thick pants were what he’d been wearing. 

“You don’t have to wear any. Yes.” Nate lifted his hands in defence before Pax could say anything. “Yes, I know. Your ancestors’ pets. Just saying nobody cares but you.”

“I think the fact that I care is enough.”

“You could at least take off your shirt. You wouldn’t be as warm and surely that won’t offend Great-Aunt Spot?” 

Pax looked up at Nate and thought about it. A lot of people on the ship went shirtless, men and women, and that was okay because Pax was an enlightened person and he understood that not everyone felt the same way about partial nudity as he did and he certainly wasn’t going to tell other people they should cover themselves up if they didn’t think they had to do that. He guessed that wouldn’t be so bad.

“Besides.” Nate continued, apparently unaware of Pax’s internal monologue (Pax always had an internal monologue going, so Nate was just going to have to learn to start assuming that). “Someday we’re going to fuck and then I’m going to parade you around the ship so everyone knows about it, so you may as well get used to the idea now.”

“And you screwed it up.” Pax sighed, looking away and adding that to the list of mental images he was trying to pretend he didn’t have. “You were there, and you just couldn’t keep your mouth shut for those last ten seconds.” 

“A position you’re familiar with?”

“Go away, Nate.” Pax said, sliding off the crate and stretching. “I’ll move into the shade, can you please go and drive the ship?”

“You haven’t got any idea what I do, do you?”

“As far as I can tell, you don’t do anything except bother me.”

“Sometimes I bother other people.” Nate sighed. “Fine, look.” In one movement he pulled his own shirt over his head and handed it to Pax. “At least take off _that_ shirt, would you? It’s way too warm for this weather.”

“It’s almost winter.” Pax grumbled. “This is why I hate the south. It’s supposed to be cold in the winter. Will you leave me alone if I do?”

“For a while, at least.” Nate smiled. “And if you don’t I’m going to task Leftie with pouring a bucket of water over your head every hour to cool you off.” 

Leftie was a tall man with one hand who called Pax ‘Doormouse’ and accused him of smelling funny. He would probably pour water over Pax’s head with glee. Most of the crew probably would, because they were all assholes like that. 

Pax rolled his eyes and, after considering how silly he’d look going somewhere else to change his shirt, pulled it over his head and took Nate’s. It was a little big for him but it had been a little big for Nate too. He pretended this wasn’t weird at all and put it on, ignoring the fact that it smelled like Nate. That probably meant it needed to be washed. Maybe he should do laundry. 

“There, happ—Hey!” Nate reached out and snatched Pax’s shirt from his hands.

“No, I’m taking this so you don’t put it back on.” 

“Wait, give it back! You can’t just take things from people!” Pax had knives hidden in secret pockets in that shirt.

“Yes, I can.” Nate frowned, lifting up the shirt. “You’ve got something in the pockets here.”

“I know that, it’s…” 

But Nate was already rifling through the shirt, looking for the hidden pockets. It took him a minute to find one but when he did he pulled out a knife. “Why do you have this?”

“Why wouldn’t I have a knife?”

“Or several.” Nate said, weighing the shirt again. “What are you, some kind of assassin or something?”

“No.” Pax said, grateful that Nate had gone there instead of to the other logical place. 

“They why do you have so many knives?”

“Because I’m a knife-thrower.” Pax said, straight faced. “I used to travel with a carnival troupe and would cut fruit in half from twenty paces, throw knives all around my monkey assistant, that sort of thing. But the troupe fell on hard times, so we ate the monkey and then when that didn’t help they sold me to a travelling brothel. I got kicked out after they realized I was the one fathering children on all the prostitutes, which it wasn’t my fault they were all over me, you know, and then I came across this guy with an elephant…”

“Pax.” Nate said, cutting him off. Pax glared. How was he supposed to spin a believable story if Nate wouldn’t let him finish it? “Why are you going to White Cape?”

“To find another monkey.” Pax didn’t break eye contact. “That guy was my best friend.” 

Nate just sighed. “Okay. I’m going to put this in my cabin. You can get your knives out later.”

“Fine.” Pax stalked away and sat in the shade, resumed scrubbing at the spot named Nate with as much vigour as he had. 

And told himself that nothing had changed, he didn’t feel any cooler than he had before.


	4. When You Stow Away, You Don't Get to Decide Where the Ship Goes

“Why is it still hot?” Pax demanded.

“The sun is still out.” Nate said from the steering wheel. “The sun usually makes things hot, you know.”

“I know that, I know what the sun is for, Nate.” Pax said, sliding down with his back to the ship’s rail. The captain was plotting a course out in her cabin and had sent Pax away after telling him he was too annoying. Pax didn’t think that cabin boys should be allowed to be exiled from cabins. Did that mean he was just a boy? He was going to take this up with someone and get answers. “But it’s winter. We’re going north. It should be getting colder.” 

“We’re not going north.” Nate said, sounding a little confused.

“Yes we are.” Pax sighed. Had Nate not ever looked at a map? “White Cape is north of Bright Harbour. By a fair bit, actually. Nate, you are driving the ship in the right direction, right?”

“Yes. We’re not going to White Cape yet.” Nate said, and Pax sat upright. 

“What do you mean we’re not going to White Cape yet?” He had heard that this ship was going there, it was why he was here instead of on a ship that would have been easier to get onto. 

“We always head south first, do some trading in the islands and all that. Captain doesn’t want to risk getting stuck in White Cape for the winter.”

“That’s why you go there and leave quickly!” Pax said, standing. “If we don’t head there now, we won’t be there until spring!”

“That’s the idea.” Nate nodded. “It’s called White Cape because the ice pack blocks the harbour off during most of the winter, you know. Every year some dumb shit gets stuck in it and captain doesn’t want to be that dumb shit. Besides, cold sucks. So she goes to the tropics for the winter.” 

“I don’t believe this.” He was supposed to be meeting someone in White Cape in a month. Which was how long it was supposed to take to get there from Bright Harbour. He knew Roberta wasn’t going to flake out on him if he were a bit late, but she was going to be pissed if he showed up four or five months after he’d said he would. 

“You in a hurry to get to White Cape?”

“No, Nate.” Pax said, walking a few steps away, and then starting to pace to vent his frustration. “No, of course not. I stowed away on a ship to White Cape because I was hoping to get there in six months.” 

“Oh, that’s good, then.”

“I hate you.”

“You never looked at any of the charts or maps? The course is pretty clearly laid out.”

“I didn’t think I was allowed.” Pax muttered, feeling dumber. 

“Well, it’s not my fault you didn’t ask the full itinerary.” 

“You could have mentioned it to me.”

“And what, thrown you overboard?”

“Dammit!” Pax kicked the railing, which mostly hurt his foot and didn’t really help him feel any better. 

“You okay?”

“I’m going to go…somewhere.” Pax said vaguely, moving away from Nate and the front deck. “Dammit.”

“Pax…”

“Nate, don’t.” Pax said, not looking at him. “I’m mad.”

“At me?”

“Yes!” 

“It was an honest mistake. There’s no reason to be mad.”

“I’m mad anyway!”

“Why?”

“Because!” Pax turned on him, because Nate had asked for it. “Because I’m stuck here on this ship for months now, which is much longer than I wanted to be here, and I’m going to be late getting to White Cape and it’s not your fault at all because it’s completely my fault and I’m not mad at you because I’m mad at myself for being such a fuck-up and I just…I’m going to fucking…” He sighed. “Get mad at you because it’s easier than being mad at myself.” 

“Okay.” Nate said calmly, as if Pax hadn’t just shouted at him. 

“What?”

“Okay.” Nate shrugged. “If being mad at me helps you feel better, go for it.”

“Being a martyr isn’t going to make me less mad at you. A martyr is…”

“I know what it is. Pax, why do you need to get to White Cape so badly?”

“I’m getting married.” Pax said automatically, turning away. “To cement an alliance between my crime family and hers.” 

“Someday I’m going to ask that question and you’ll answer it truthfully.”

Probably not. “I’m going to go be mad somewhere now. Tell the captain I drowned or something.” 

“Sure.” Pax stalked away from the front deck, resisting the urge to kick everything. “Pax?”

“What?” He barked.

“You’re not a fuck-up.” Nate said, not looking down at him. “It was an honest mistake.” 

“Yeah.” Pax growled as he walked away, refusing to acknowledge the ways in which the comment made him feel better. Didn’t Nate see that he was trying to be angry here? Going and saying meaningful things to him was just going to ruin it. 

He had to go find a wall to kick.


	5. It's Easier to Just Accept a Situation than to Be Angry about it

The sound of blankets rustling woke Pax up and he sat up in his little pallet at the foot of the captain’s bed just as she did the same. Pax rubbed his eyes and shook sleep out of his head, and then stretched out his shoulders and back.

“How do you always wake up before me?” Natalie asked him, throwing back her blankets. 

“I don’t.” Pax said. “I wake up when you do. Good morning, Captain.” He stood and went over to her clothes chest. 

“How in the world do you do that?” Natalie asked, frowning at him. Her hair was all over the place and some of it was stuck to her face. “It’s creepy.”

“I’m a really light sleeper.” Pax opened the chest and pulled out the clothes he’d put on top last night, brought them over to her. He held out her shirt as if to put it on her but she glared at him and took it, pulling it over her head. Pax shrugged and grabbed a hairbrush, sat on the bed beside her and started at her hair.

“So what, me moving in the morning wakes you up?”

“Yes.” Pax nodded as the captain finished with her shirt and started pulling on her pants. He’d been forced to come to the conclusion that he was the only person on the ship who wore any smallclothes. 

“How in the world is that even possible?”

“My parents were skilled assassins.” Pax said, wondering how someone’s hair got so tangled in one night. “They used to come in my room at night and throw knives at me. If I didn’t dodge them I had to wash the sheets in the morning, and stitch up the stab wounds.”

“I thought your parents were wizards who died in a tragic rockslide.” The captain said, taking the brush from Pax and brushing her hair herself. “Or better yet, I thought you were abducted and sold into slavery, wasn’t that what you told me when you came onboard?”

“Please.” Pax stood, yawning. “That was ten or eleven fictional lives ago. Honestly, you’re the captain, I expect you to keep up with these things.”

“And I expect that someday you’ll tell me the truth.”

“So both of us are starting the day with hopeless expectations. That bodes well.” 

She punched him in the arm, and not gently. “Go get my breakfast.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“And yours.” 

“I know.” Pax stood and left the cabin, rubbing his arm. That had actually hurt a lot. 

“Morning.”

“God!” Pax gently closed the captain’s door and glared at Nate. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Only a minute. I could hear you talking in there so I assumed you’d be out soon.” 

“She hasn’t had breakfast yet.” Pax said. “Civilized people eat breakfast before work, so whatever you want to talk to her about can wait until she’s had hers.”

“I didn’t come to talk to her.” 

Pax sighed on the inside. And on the outside, quite loudly. “Well, I haven’t had breakfast yet either.”

“I can wait. It’s been a while since we’ve talked, a few more minutes won’t hurt.” The accusatory tone in Nate’s voice was pretty hard to miss. 

“Well, that’s just because I’ve been avoiding you.” Pax told him, setting off. Waiting apparently meant that Nate planned to follow him to the galley, since that was what he did. “Don’t you have work to do?”

“You’re always really worried about me not working, aren’t you?”

“I just think that the fact that I do more work than you is strange.” 

“You invent work to do.” Nate said, putting his arm around Pax’s shoulder as if that was a thing he was allowed to do. “I’ve seen you. You literally come up with things to do when you run out of real work.”

“I don’t believe in slacking off.” Unlike some people he could name. “Why are you even up this early?”

“Because I woke up.” Nate shrugged. “You know you’re allowed to relax, right? There are like three things you’re supposed to do every day and you’re doing one of them right now. You don’t have to fill every minute of the day with work. Everyone else takes breaks when there’s no work to do.”

“I’m not everyone else.” Pax said, rounding the corner and nearly bumping into someone. “Sorry.”

“Morning, Pax.” Delia was a tall redhead who liked to communicate in headlocks. She put Pax in one before he could escape and rubbed his hair far more aggressively than was necessary. “Getting the captain’s breakfast?”

“I would be if I could move, Delia.” 

“What’s Nate doing here?”

“Why aren’t you asking Nate?” Nate, who was just standing there watching. 

“Because I’m asking you.”

“He’s following me.”

She laughed. “You fucked him yet?”

“No!” Pax squeaked, and the squeak was completely because she had him by the neck and nothing else.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to!” Nate snorted behind him and Pax flipped the finger over Delia’s elbow. 

“Huh.” Delia let him go, looking at him strangely and shaking her head. “You could fuck me instead if you want.”

“No, thanks.” Delia was pretty, but Pax averted his eyes with a smirk. “You’re awfully old for me.”

“Old?” Delia demanded, eyes darkening. “What the fuck’s that mean?”

“Just…you know. You’re like what, seventy? I’ll aim for a little closer to my age bracket, if you don’t mind.” 

“You little shit.” Delia laughed. “I’ll show you seventy!” 

Pax giggled and ran down the deck to get away, waving over his shoulder at her. Delia threw her boot at him. “Any boy your age should have been grateful for that offer!”

“I’m an ungrateful shit!” Pax called back.

“You got that right.” Delia said, shaking her head and wandering off. Pax knew she was smiling. 

Nate caught up with him just as he was walking in the galley, looking at Pax kind of funny. “Cedric!” Pax called when he walked into the cluttered room, food and dishes everywhere. “The captain demands eggs and sausage and something that looks like fruit.”

“Captain didn’t demand fruit, you lying rat.” Cedric was a bald man with one eye who looked like the meanest mercenary ever to grace a tavern. 

“No, but I don’t want her getting scurvy or you might end up captain and then we’d all be eaten by fish.”

“You’d be eaten first.” Cedric told him, rattling around and starting breakfast. “I’d feed you to the crew.”

“I’ve been told by many people that I taste pretty good.” Pax nodded. “But I have no redeeming nutritional value. Just like your usual cooking, I suppose. Give her three eggs. She looks pale this morning.” 

Cedric nodded and Pax stood there and waited while he made the food. Nate stood there too, watching Pax strangely. “What?”

“Nothing, you…” Nate smiled. “You’ve finally started acting like part of the crew.”

“Well.” Pax glared around the galley. “I’m going to be here for a while, so I figure I may as well get along with people.” 

“Good, I’m glad.”

“I am here to make you happy, Nate.” Pax rolled his eyes.

“If that were true you’d be naked in my bed right now.” 

“And I’m done listening to you.” 

The food was ready and Cedric handed him a plate with the captain’s breakfast and another plate of the same size with his own. Pax scowled at it. “Every morning I tell you, I can’t eat that much. Every morning you ignore me.” 

“The circle of life, Squeaky.” 

Pax sighed and turned to leave the galley, holding one plate in his hand and one on his forearm. Once he was out of Cedric’s sight he started scooping food from his plate onto the captain’s. “What are you doing?”

“The captain always decides I don’t have enough food and makes me eat some of hers. So I’m making sure that I have less than I need so I don’t burst when she starts putting her food on my plate.” 

“You don’t eat enough.”

“I eat plenty.” Nate obviously didn’t understand the challenges he was having losing weight in this environment. 

“Why don’t you want to have sex with me?”

“That’s definitely what we were talking about just now.” Pax said, lengthening his stride as he finished reorganizing the plates and took his in his free hand. 

“Tell me.”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“Is it so strange that someone doesn’t want to jump on you?”

“Yes, and I don’t understand what your problem is.” 

Pax stopped walking, rounded on Nate. “This is what you came to talk to me about at this time of day?”

“Yes.” Nate looked genuinely confused. “I just want a straight answer.” 

“I…” Pax thought about it for a second. “I don’t know you that well.”

“You could get to know me better.”

“I don’t like you that much.”

Nate shrugged. “I didn’t say we had to _talk_ while we did it.” 

Pax paused. He didn’t really have a lot of good arguments left. “I think that ‘I don’t want to’ should be a good enough answer.”

“It is, that’s why I haven’t touched you, genius.” Nate shook his head. “I just wish I knew why, is all. I’m close to your age, you’ve admitted you find me attractive, I’ve expressed interest. What am I missing?”

“Nothing, I just…” Pax turned away. Nate wasn’t the one who was missing something. “I just don’t want to.”

Nate sighed. “Okay. If you’re that opposed to it I’ll stop bringing it up.” 

They walked alongside each other for a minute in the predawn gloom. Pax liked this time of day; it wasn’t yet really hot. But he didn’t like this silence. Silence in general bothered him when he wasn’t working, and this silence in particular was heavy. “I…” He stopped, didn’t finish the sentence until they were outside the captain’s door. “I’m not ruling it out forever.” He found he couldn’t quite look at Nate. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

Nate smiled brightly and made as if to grab him before thinking better of it. “That’s all I wanted, Pax.”

“No, it’s not.”

“No, it’s not, but I’m willing to settle for now.” 

Pax rolled his eyes. “Go do your job now.”

“Fuck that.” Nate said, moving around him. “I’m going back to bed.”

“Your laziness is not as charming as you think it is.”

“I’m glad you finally decided to join the crew, Pax.” And Nate walked away, leaving Pax to manoeuvre the door open by himself. 

“Your first mate’s an idiot.” He announced when he came into the cabin. The captain was writing something in the ship’s log.

“Tell me something I don’t know.” 

“The women of the Brok Pass in the Amaran Mountains shave all of their hair off because they believe that hair is inherently sexual, so they only let it grow when they want people to know they’re sexually available. Men aren’t allowed to shave their hair because they’re expected to be available to women all the time.”

“Sounds like my kind of place.” 

“They also have a lot of huge arachnids.”

“Well, no place is perfect.” The captain muttered, scraping some food onto Pax’s plate, and Pax smiled. The fact that he was stuck here didn’t have to be such a bad thing, he thought.


	6. Captive Audiences Can sometimes be Coerced into Revealing Important Information

“Pax, what the hell are you doing?” 

“Hello, Nate.” Pax said, not looking up. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it? I like nice days, much better than all that heat we’ve been having lately. I know it means it’s going to rain, but rain isn’t the worst thing ever. Maybe it is on ships? You know how to make sure the ship doesn’t sink in rain, right?”

“Why are you on the railing?” Nate asked, sounding legitimately curious. 

“I’m exercising.” Pax said. “Strengthening my legs and core, and practicing my balance and dexterity.” He never stopped walking along the ship’s railing, his upper body swaying a little to compensate for the gentle rocking of the ship. 

“If you fall, you’re going to end up in the ocean.” 

“If I fall, there’s a fifty percent chance I’ll end up in the ocean, but I might fall onto the deck.”

“You don’t seem like the type to gamble on those odds, honestly.” Nate was following along beside him, hand raised as if to help him, but he never actually touched Pax. 

“I’m not. I don’t plan to fall.” 

“Why are you walking on the railing?”

“I told you.” Pax said patiently, noting that he was coming up on the back end of the ship, meaning he’d have to turn with the railing soon. “I’m exercising.”

“No, I mean, why aren’t you doing _literally anything else?_ ”

“You’re the one who told me I should take time to relax when I have nothing to do. At the moment I have nothing to do.” 

“You find this relaxing?”

Pax smiled. “I did, until you started talking to me. Now it’s just like any other part of my day where you won’t leave me alone.” 

“You’re going to fall.” Nate told him.

“Please.” Pax shook his head at Nate. “This is nothing. My family owned a circus. I learned to walk on a tightrope. For three years I wouldn’t walk unless I was fifty feet above the ground. It was a pretty serious problem, actually, because I was too big to carry around and my parents didn’t want me crawling. They took me to a witch doctor who wanted to tattoo the back of my neck with the sigil of an ancient earth god so I’d be in tune with the earth, but the mark faded because a sky spirit intervened and tried to kidnap me. My sister had to fight it off on the back of one of the performing elephants, and…”

“You know the crew is placing bets on when you’re going to fall?” Nate interrupted. 

“You shouldn’t interrupt me when I’m trying to open up to you about my past.” Pax chided. “You’re always on my case about telling you about my life and when I finally try you interrupt me with something stupid.”

“I’ve never asked you to tell me about your life.”

“Anyway.” Pax smiled, easing into the turn. “Yes, I know they’re taking bets. There’re two pools—one for how many laps I can do and one for how long in total I can last. The highest bets were twenty laps and two hours. I told them I could do twenty-five and two and a half, and they told me I can have the pots if it’s true.” 

“You negotiated a pool before getting up here?” Nate made a little consternated face, which Pax carefully didn’t look at lest he get distracted. 

“No, I heard them doing it after the second lap and got in on it.”

“I can’t believe the captain is allowing this.” Nate muttered. A larger wave hit the ship and Pax bent his knees a little to roll with it. 

“Of course she is.” Pax told Nate with a giggle. “She’s the only one who had confidence in me. I’m going to split the pot with her when I win.”

“Right.” Nate sighed. “Of course.” Given how worried he looked, Pax decided not to tell Nate about his plan to up the ante by betting he could do the last five laps on his hands and the last two with his eyes closed. 

He was going to be the richest cabin boy this side of the Coral Range. 

“Just be careful.” Nate said, stepping back a little. “You’re my favourite cabin boy, it would be a shame if you got eaten by sharks.”

“Sharks wouldn’t eat me; I’m one-sixteenth shark on my grandfather’s side. That’s why I’m always moving.” 

“I watched you sit still for three hours two days ago when you were catching rats.”

“I’m also one-sixteenth cat on my other grandfather’s side, and there are no more rats left on the ship, you’re welcome.”

“Any humans in your family?”

“I’ll check and get back to you. Isn’t there something you should be doing?” 

Nate shrugged. “Probably. But you’ve got money to win, which means I have you somewhere you won’t be running away from for a few hours.” 

“One hour and forty-seven more minutes.” Pax said, because precision was an important skill and Nate not having it was alarming, really everything about Nate was alarming, he didn’t seem to have any of the skills necessary to be a first mate, and he was far too attractive besides, it was a distraction for the rest of the crew…

Pax slipped, barely regained his footing, and focused on not thinking about Nate.

“So why stow away?” Nate asked, and Pax wished that he would go somewhere else. Even if he would just stand still, Pax could come back here and talk to him for a few meters of the next lap, but that would really be enough. “Why not just ask for passage?”

“Didn’t have any money.” Not with him, anyway.

“I’m sure you could have gotten some pretty fast.”

“Not fast enough.” Pax said, reflecting grumpily that he’d had less time than he’d hoped to leave Bright Harbour. 

“Who was chasing you?”

“The king. He found out his daughter wanted to marry me and he just wouldn’t have it since I’m not a prince and all.” 

“Who was chasing you, Pax?”

“This knight who I beat in a jousting match.” 

“Pax, I’m going to keep asking until you tell me.” Nate said, voice dripping with patience. 

Pax rolled his eyes. Obviously Nate didn’t realize that Pax could do this all day. “A wizard. I stole a rare relic from him. He didn’t realize that I’ve already had it shipped to White Cape separately.” 

Nate sighed, walked alongside Pax for a minute. “You owe someone money?”

“Not really.”

“You kill someone?”

“Not on purpose, I swear, but he totally deserved it.”

“You running away from home?”

“Since I was nine.”

“Careful.” Nate warned him. “That last one almost sounded true.”

“Everything I say is true!” Pax lied. “I’m the most truthful person you’ve ever met. I used to be called Silver-Tongued Pax, but it was an ironic thing because that’s something you usually call liars, which I’m not.” 

“Uh-huh.” Nate held up a hand. “Let’s count. I know your name is Pax and you’re on your way to White Cape.” He held up two fingers. “Those are the only true things I know about you, and it’s possible you’re lying about your name.”

“My name has a noble lineage.” Pax took on a scolding tone. “I wouldn’t lie about that. And you’d know more about me if you would stop interrupting all of my life stories to accuse me of lying.” 

“I’ll make you a deal. You tell me a story that’s honestly true, and I won’t interrupt you.”

“That doesn’t sound like it’s really worth it for me.” Pax muttered, looking out at the water. 

“And I’ll make a big bet in the pool that you’ll fall in the next hour.” 

That got Pax’s attention. “How big?”

Nate just raised his eyebrows in that infuriating way, and Pax glared. “Fine, but I’ll know if you don’t hold up your end of the bargain. I know exactly how much money is in that pot.”

“I know.”

Pax sighed. “Fine.” He thought about it, wondering what he could tell Nate that was true. He could tell Nate lots of things, but it seemed like if Nate was going to uphold his part, he should at least do the same. “When I was little I had a pet lizard named Tongue. By which I mean I found him on a rock one day and decided he was mine. He used to perch on my shoulder all day and hiss at everyone. It was pretty awesome. Some of the other kids were scared of him, so I got to go basically wherever I wanted for a while. I used to catch bugs to feed to him and I tried forever to train him not to pee on me, which never worked.” 

This was usually the part where Nate interrupted him, so Pax paused, but Nate just looked up at him. “And? What happened to him?”

“He, um.” Pax went a little red. “He bit me on the cheek one day. Turns out he was poisonous and I startled him out of a nap by mistake and he bit me. I woke up two days later and they’d gotten rid of him. They told me they put him back out on a rock where he’d be happy, but I knew they killed him. That didn’t stop me from looking for him for a few weeks after, though.” He still got a little upset remembering it, and so he broke off, just focused on walking for a few minutes. 

He was approaching the other end of the ship before Nate spoke again. “Tongue?”

“Tongues are the best!” Pax said, defensive. “They let you talk.” 

Nate nodded. “That’s true. I liked that story, Pax. I liked that you went and looked for him even though you knew you wouldn’t find him. That’s very you.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” Nate just smiled. “You should tell more stories like that.”

“There are no more stories like that. Tongue was one of a kind.”

“So are you.” Nate said, in such a way that Pax had to stop walking to just look down at him for a second. “I should go put some money in the pot.” 

“You really should. You should have anyway, I can’t believe you didn’t take part in this bonding experience among the crew. You should stop being so distant from them, you know.” 

“Don’t fall, Pax.”

“I won’t, Nate.”

“I know.” Nate smiled again and left Pax to the railing. Pax kept walking, never letting his mind wander too far lest he fall, but occasionally catching himself thinking about dead lizards and first mates.


	7. A Nice Nature Walk Can be a Helpful Way to De-Stress from a Busy Life at Sea

“I feel as though I should have stayed on the boat.” 

Nate shrugged. “The captain didn’t feel that way.” 

“The captain is wrong.” Pax grumbled as he pushed through leaves and other nature-related paraphernalia (actually it was mostly just leaves) to follow Nate through the lush jungle that lived on this island were they’d stopped to trade. “She obviously doesn’t understand the duties of a cabin boy. I’m not an island boy. I’m so far away from the cabin that my title is a laughable conceit.” 

“You should tell her that.” Nate said, gesturing. The captain was just a few paces ahead of them, with two other crew members. It was very nice of Nate to have slowed his pace so Pax wouldn’t be left behind, really. 

“No, _you_ should tell her that.” Pax said immediately. Obviously _he_ wasn’t going to go and complain. Pax prided himself on never complaining about anything. “As first mate, it’s your duty to carry the objections of the crew to the captain.”

“It’s funny that you know more about everyone’s duties than they do.” Nate held a branch out of the way for Pax, but Pax tripped over a tree root anyway. “Maybe you should be the captain.”

“I don’t have the chest for it.” Pax muttered. “I should probably be the first mate. Someone needs to whip this ship into shape and you’re obviously not doing it.” 

“I can’t speak for the rest of the crew,” Nate said as he helped Pax up, “but I’d be okay with you whipping me.” 

“I’m going to catch up to the captain now.” Pax squeaked, hurrying on forward, headfirst into another set of branches. Why did everything have to grow so low here?

Nate followed him, not hurrying at all, and Pax hated him for that. “It’s really too easy with you, you know.” 

“Then you should give up.” Pax spat out leaves and jumped back when he realized there was a snake on the branch he’d been about to push aside. “It’s no fun to play games that are too easy.”

Nate reached out and gently nudged the snake off the branch while Pax gave it suspicious looks. He knew what snakes were up to. They just sat there looking all innocent and limbless and then suddenly it was hissing and poison and crying in the fetal position for three days. “I don’t remember you having that opinion when you got everyone to bet money in a pot you knew you would win.” 

“That was different; games are always fun if you’re winning real money.” Pax paused, glared at Nate. “You’d better not have put money on me, Nate, I swear to God…”

“I didn’t!” Nate held up his hands and Pax held his gaze for just a minute before deciding that he was sincere enough and moving on. “I would never do that to you. And besides, who said this was a game?”

“You did.” He was pretty sure Nate had said something to that effect.

“When?”

“I don’t know, in my imagination at some point.” Pax waved his hand at Nate. “I have a very realistic imagination, so if I imagined you saying it, it’s probably something that you were thinking.” 

“So you fantasize about me, then?”

“What are we trading for on this island, anyway?”

“There’s a type of wood that grows here that rich people in White Cape like to make furniture out of. The captain trades iron and steel tools, and also seeds from plants that don’t grow here for it.” Pax could even _hear_ Nate smirking. 

“That sounds dangerous.” Pax said. “Introducing foreign animals or plants to a new region can have terrible effects on the ecosystem there. An ecosystem is the sphere of everything that lives in a place.”

“That’s really not our problem.” Nate told him. “Besides, they’re careful about it—they grow outside plants in a specific garden in their main settlement. You’ll see it in a few minutes.”

“So you keep saying.” Pax sighed. “No wonder nobody has ever conquered these people. Nobody wants to trek through all this malarkey for days.”

“Malarkey?” Nate asked. 

“Nonsense. Something that doesn’t mean anything.” Honestly, someone needed to educate this boy. Something else that Pax was going to have to do. He wasn’t paid enough for this. 

“Pax, are you sure you’re not ninety years old?” 

“Reasonably certain. I mean, I didn’t get a chance to look at the calendar when I was born, since I was busy screaming and being pulled through a tiny tube into a world of incoherent light and noise and terror, and also a necromancer was there and tried to sacrifice me to an ancient boar-god in order to gain eternal fertility since he had eleven wives, but I’m pretty sure.” 

“Okay. We’ve only been in the jungle for about an hour.”

“Lies.” Pax accused. “Lies and untruths. My sense of time is impeccable and it’s been at least two days since we landed on the beach. I still have sand in my boots, by the way.” And other places, but that wasn’t something he was going to advertise to Nate.

“I tried to tell you to dress properly.”

“You tried to tell me not to dress at all!”

“The people here value nudity, you know. It’s seen as a sign of openness and sincerity.”

“None of you are naked.”

“Well, that’s because they already know us. You may be asked to prove your trustworthiness.” Nate smiled. 

“I’m going back to the ship.” Pax announced, turning around and storming past Nate into the jungle again. After a few paces he realized Nate wasn’t following him. “You’re not going to try and stop me?”

“I have the utmost faith in your ability to retrace our steps and get back to the ship without getting lost.” Nate said calmly. Pax just stood there for a second. A bird made a terrifying noise in the distance somewhere and Pax turned around, went back to rejoin Nate. “That’s what I thought.”

“This was your plan all along.” He huffed, following Nate through the plants again. “Lure me into the jungle to have your way with me. You probably trained that bird and everything.” Everyone knew that birds were the heralds of evil, and Nate was clearly evil. It all added up. 

“You know, about half the time I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Nate admitted.

“Well, more than half the time I _wish_ I had no idea what you were talking about, so we’re even.” As Pax was talking they pushed through one final branch and very suddenly ended up in a large clearing filled with buildings that were actually much more structurally advanced than he’d expected. “Finally, we’re here.” He announced. “No thanks to your navigation skills. The captain’s probably already finished talking to the locals. We should head back now if we want to get back to the ship before dark.”

Nate grabbed Pax’s collar to stop him from going back into the jungle, not that he’d really been about to do that—jungles were just about the worst places and Pax wanted no part in them. “The captain was only a minute or so ahead of us, she’s right there, the trade negotiations will take hours and we usually stay the night in the village.” 

“That last piece of information is really one that you should have told me prior to having me leave the ship with you.” Pax said, glaring at Nate. Now he was going to have to sleep in this place, probably outside, and there were probably tigers or something. 

“Then you wouldn’t have left.” Nate smiled like one of those tigers. “Except you would have, because the captain wanted you to come specifically.” 

“You’re lying.” Pax pointed at Nate. “The captain barely knows my name. She’s too aloof and important to care what I do.” 

“Pax!” Natalie shouted suddenly. “Nate! Will the two of you stop screwing around and get over here?” She was talking to an older gentleman with too many piercings who Pax thought was probably important. 

“Coming, Captain!” Pax called, shaking out of Nate’s grip and scurrying away from the first mate. 

Nate followed him, though, which Pax thought was unfortunate. “We’ll have to bunk together, probably.”

“I’ll take my chances in the jungle.”

“And spurn their hospitality? That could be bad for the negotiations, don’t you think? While we’re at it, don’t forget to respect the local customs.” Nate patted him on the back and overtook him to catch up with the captain, and Pax just pretended none of this was happening.

He hoped they were _really big_ tigers.


	8. Changes in Attire are to be Carefully Considered, as Clothing is Symbolic (or Something)

“You look uncomfortable.” Nate said, and Pax jumped a little. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He insisted stiffly, standing up a little straighter and continuing to polish the captain’s spyglass. “I’m perfectly comfortable, thank you for your concern.”

“Why aren’t you sitting down?”

Because Pax was itchy and uncomfortable, that was why. But he didn’t want Nate to know that. “Where I’m from this is the week of standing—we’re not allowed to sit down or else it’s bad luck and embarrassing boils for an entire year.” 

“Even for you that was a weak lie.”

“Excuse you, my lies are always full-throated and watertight. You just never believe them because you’re such a suspicious individual. Well the joke’s on you, Nate. Someday you’ll be old and alone because you’re so suspicious of everyone and I’ll have a crowd full of people who love me and you know why?”

“Because you’ll have lied to them to make them think you love them too?” Nate asked.

“Yes. Also because I’m charming and fun.” Pax nodded along as he spoke, shifting his weight uncomfortably and wishing that he could scratch himself. 

Nate kept a straight face for nearly a full second before cracking up. “Okay. You’re neither of those things, but that’s fine. I bet I know why you’re standing.”

“That seems very unlikely.” Pax muttered, polishing harder. He was an enigma, and Nate wasn’t smart enough by half to figure out the code to unlock his secrets.

“You got sand in your pants on the last few islands we were on and it’s irritating your skin. That and the heat that comes from wearing heavy pants in the tropics for weeks means you’ve got a rash.” 

Pax was silent for a second, inspecting to make sure the spyglass was clean. “Just to clarify, I never actually took that bet. So you haven’t won anything and my record of winning everything remains unsullied.”

“But I’m right.”

“Of course not.” Pax scoffed. “I’m allergic to the shellfish that we ate on the last island. It causes me to get rashes on my legs. So, while I may indeed have a mild rash, you were completely wrong about the reason, which means you were wrong, which means that your record of always being wrong about everything also remains unsullied.”

Nate just waited Pax out and nodded. “You need to take off your pants.” 

“So you’ve said.” It always seemed to come back to this with Nate, and Pax sighed.

“Yeah, but this time it’s for a different reason. That rash is only going to get worse if you don’t get rid of what’s causing it.”

“The sand and shellfish are causing it. If I can stay away from both of those things…”

“Pax.” Pax looked up and Nate was looking him in the eye, and then Pax looked down. “You’re the only one who’s getting hurt because of this. Is it really worth it?”

Pax thought about that for a few seconds, decided that yes, it completely was, and nodded. 

Nate made an exasperated sound. “Fine. Then I’m going to keep worrying about you. It’s too bad, I was finally going to get around to all those first mate duties you keep telling me I’m not fulfilling. But I guess I’ll just have to spend the next few weeks hovering over you out of concern for your health.”

“No, I don’t think you need to…”

“I may even end up having to stay in bed over it.” Nate continued, ignoring Pax. “You know, I don’t take well to stress and I may have to sleep more to compensate for it. I’m sure the captain can handle the ship all by herself for a few weeks until both of us are better.”

“Fine!” Pax didn’t mean to raise his voice and blushed at the volume. “You’ve been spending entirely too much time with…”

“You?”

“Shut up.” Pax took a deep breath to centre himself. “Nate, may I please borrow a pair of pants?”

“Sure thing, Pax.” Nate said, taking him by the arm. “I’ve got some in my cabin.”

“I’m entirely capable of finding them myself!” But it was too late, and Nate was already dragging Pax there. Too many people were on the deck and all of them were looking and smiling knowingly and now Pax was going to have to spend days disabusing them all of whatever ribald notions they were getting in their heads, after explaining to them all what the word ‘ribald’ meant. 

The inside of Nate’s cabin was smaller than Pax remembered. Nate pulled him inside and kicked the door shut, and started rooting around. The door had a sort of window in it so there was a little bit of light, but mostly there was just gloom. “Most of my stuff is going to be way too big for you, but I have a few things that I wore a while back that might fit a little better.”

“Most of your clothes are too big for you.” Pax grumbled, trying hard not to watch Nate rummage around. The shirt that Nate had given Pax before was made for a man taller than both of them and looked ridiculous on Pax even after he tied a bunch of knots in it to make it stop blowing everywhere. “They only stay on because of all those scarves that you pretend are belts.”

“Here we go.” Nate pulled something from the bottom of a pile and thrust it at Pax, who determined that yes, it was definitely a pair of pants. And that yes, he and Nate could probably fit in it together. And yes, that was an image that was now in Pax’s head and he was trying desperately to make it go away before Nate noticed that he was flushing. “Well? Put them on.”

“Oh, right.” Pax said, hands moving down to untie the laces on his pants and… “Wait, go away!”

“What?”

“You can’t stand there and watch me change!”

Nate gave Pax a flat look that said yes, he very much could do that. “It’s my cabin.” He said finally, mouth curling into a smile. “You could go change out there if you don’t want me to see.” 

Pax suppressed a sigh while making it very obvious that he was suppressing a sigh. “Fine, I changed my mind, I’ll just keep these pants and put up with you bugging me, thanks anyway.”

“Pax.” Nate put a hand on the door. “You got to see me naked before you even knew my name.”

“ _Had_ to.” Pax corrected. “I didn’t have a choice in the matter.” 

“Do you think I’ve never seen a boy with no pants on before? Besides, you’ll still have your smallclothes on.” Pax didn’t like Nate’s smile at that, not at all. 

“That’s not the point.”

“Then what’s the point?” Nate asked, sounding just a little exasperated. 

“You’re…” Pax looked at Nate…looked _up_ at Nate. And looked away. “Nevermind. Fine, just…stay over there.” 

Nate did, and Pax undid the knot, at first thinking he should watch Nate to keep an eye on him but immediately realizing that was not a good idea and settled for looking down at the floor instead as he unlaced his pants and pushed them to the floor quickly, figuring it was fastest to get it done quickly and leave. He’d abandoned his boots ages ago and easily stepped out of the pantlegs. “Cute.” Nate said, looking at Pax’s thighs. “You’re hilarious, you know that?”

“This is embarrassing enough for me without you making fun.” Pax growled, wishing Nate was blind or something and feeling both much bigger and much smaller than he was used to, both in ways he didn’t like. At least it was dark enough that Nate probably couldn’t see the splotchy rash that made him look even worse than normal. “I can’t help the way my body is shaped. Just because I’m not tall and…”

“I meant the knives, Pax.” 

Pax blinked, looking down. He’d forgotten about the two knives he had strapped to his thighs, just below his smallclothes. “Right. Well, you can never be too careful, you know. Once I was in a public bath and this assassin came after me…”

“I have a hard time believing you went into a public bath.” Nate interrupted. “What with your fear of nudity.”

“There are some situations in which I’m not particularly bothered by it.” Pax muttered, quickly stepping into Nate’s pants and immediately realizing the problem. “How are these going to stay up? I need a belt.”

“You mean a scarf that you can pretend is a belt?”

“You know what I mean.” Pax snapped, holding out his hand and pretending he didn’t notice how much skin he was showing by holding the pants up with only one hand. “Please give me a belt.”

“Hm.” Nate tapped a finger to his chin. “No.”

“Nate!” Pax really didn’t have the patience for these games. He just wanted clothes to wear, why was that so hard?

“I don’t want to _give_ you a belt.” Nate said, shrugging. “I’d be willing to trade you one.” 

Pax rolled his eyes. “What, do you want some of the gold I won a while ago? Fine, it’s not like I can do anything with it but gamble more anyway.”

“I don’t want the gold. I have something else I’d like in exchange instead.” He was looking at Pax in a very smiley way that was very concerning.

It took Pax just a second to catch up. “No. Nate, no.”

“Why not, Pax?” Nate whinged. Pax resisted the urge to clean out his ears. “Come on, it’s just us in here and it’s really not as big a deal as you’re making it. Here.” Without any more warning than that Nate undid his belt and tossed his shirt aside, stepped out of his clothes before Pax could even move. “There. Now you’ll be wearing more clothes than me, at least.”

“Nate, get dressed!” Pax squeaked, looking away. Stupid Nate didn’t have to be so good looking. If he’d had the decency to be ugly Pax wouldn’t be in this dilemma. 

“Why? There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“For you, maybe.” Pax mumbled, wishing he could shrink. 

“What’s that?”

“Nothing. I don’t want to make you jealous. I’m worried you’d try to have me thrown off the ship and the crew would mutiny to save me because they like me better.” 

“Pax.”

“You just…don’t understand, Nate.” Pax wasn’t sure what had made him say that. Something in the way Nate spoke to him, he thought. “It’s not important to you because you’re…worth looking at.” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Pax?” Nate demanded. Pax didn’t say anything because it was obvious, and Nate took a step forward and snapped his fingers in Pax’s face. “Hey. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met; did it not occur to you that maybe I think you’re worth looking at?”

“What?” Pax looked up despite himself, though he kept his eyes firmly on Nate’s collarbone. 

“I’ve liked everything I’ve seen of you so far, Pax.” Nate said evenly. “You must realize that.”

“I’m short and chubby and I have bad skin.”

Nate shrugged. “I like those things. Stop comparing yourself to people; you’re not allowed to decide how attractive people are going to find you.” His hand brushed Pax’s cheek and Pax fought the urge to look away again. “I wish you’d…” Nate trailed off.

“You wish I’d what?” Pax asked quietly, suddenly appreciating how small the cabin was and how close together they were. 

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“You always accuse me of ruining the mood.”

“I feel like the mood at the moment is conducive to whatever you were going to say.” Pax said, flushing with heat. 

Nate laughed. “Maybe. Um. I was just thinking that I’d like to try kissing you. But I don’t want you to have to run away because I asked when you weren’t expecting it and…” Nate was babbling and Pax decided that he needed to shut him up, so he leaned in and, getting up on his toes, pressed his lips against Nate’s. “Mm.” Nate’s arms moved around Pax and pulled him closer as he kissed back.

After a few seconds Pax pulled away for air. “You talk too much.” He whispered. 

“I could be convinced to talk less.” Nate leaned down and kissed Pax again, and Pax kissed back harder this time, taking an aggressive step forward without meaning to and pushing them both onto Nate’s bed, where he ended up sitting on Nate’s lap, arms wrapped around Nate as they practiced not talking. 

Nate’s hands wandered up and down Pax’s body, feeling his legs and back and sides and arms and neck as they kissed. Without meaning to Pax opened his mouth and prodded at Nate’s lips with his tongue, coaxing Nate to let him inside. 

“Nate.” It was the sound of the door banging open that actually drew Pax’s attention and he pulled away in a start, half-turning to see the captain standing in the doorway. She looked at them for just a second, surprised, before speaking again. “I need to talk to you. The water we took on at the last island has got some sort of parasite living in it—we need to find somewhere to stop and get more.” 

Pax put his forehead against Nate’s collarbone to hide his face, and Nate sighed. “Alright, I’ll be there in a second.” The captain didn’t respond but a moment later Pax heard the door swing shut. 

“Knocking.” Pax muttered, still hiding his face. “Is an important skill to know in the civilized world.”

“It’s her ship.” 

“I know.” Pax sighed, and slid off of Nate’s lap with reluctance, not quite able to meet Nate’s eye and not quite able to ignore the effect that what they’d been doing had had on other parts of Nate. “You should get dressed. Water is an important resource and I won’t have us all dying of dehydration because you were shirking your duties.” 

“I know, I know.” Nate stood, stretched, and went about finding his clothes. Pax just sort of stood there while he did and fidgeted. “You’re okay, right?”

“I’m fine. I’m doing very well.” Pax said without thinking. “Just wonderful; it’s a good day.”

“Pax.”

“Maybe later we could, um.” Pax hesitated, waiting for Nate to finish belting his pants. “Shirk your duties some more? I mean!” He clarified, holding out his hands to distract from his hot his face was. “Not that I approve, but you’re doing to do it anyway and so I figure at least I could supervise you while you do it, so that someone knows where you are in case of an emergency. It’s just a good idea from a chain of command perspective if we…”

Nate had stepped quite close to him at some point and leaned down, giving Pax a light kiss. “You talk too much.”

“I could be convinced to talk less.” Pax whispered, finding he didn’t have the breath to do much else. 

“I have to go.” Pax nodded and watched as Nate turned, hand on the door.

“Wait, Nate.” A sudden urge had taken him, a confidence, maybe, and as Nate turned around Pax reached down and slid his smallclothes off, stepping out of them while Nate watched, before tossing them at him. Nate wasn’t the only one who’d had…physical side effects of the kissing. 

Nate caught Pax’s smallclothes, grinning. “Told you I could negotiate you out of your pants.”

“And you’re ruining the mood again.” 

“I’ll see you later, Pax.” Nate opened the door and, before Pax could tell him not to, whipped his smallclothes away and over the railing of the ship, where they were taken by the wind and waves. He grinned again as he pulled the door shut, leaving Pax to dress by himself. 

“I…I might have needed those back someday.” Pax said, to nobody in particular. But even as he said it he couldn’t help but think that maybe he didn’t actually need them any longer. That maybe he didn’t _want_ them any longer.


	9. Uninhabited Islands are Maybe not the Best Places to Worry about the State of a Relationship (Or Maybe they Are)

“I want to clarify that Nate and I weren’t doing anything indecent when you saw us the other day.” Pax said suddenly, batting aside a plant with a stick.

“Oh?”

“Yes.” Pax nodded at the captain. She hadn’t brought it up in the three days since it had happened and so he hadn’t either, but Pax could feel the weight of the captain’s disapproval on his back and he couldn’t take the oppressive silence on the issue anymore, so it was time to speak up.

That they were alone on a trail, searching for water on an uninhabited island and Nate off searching somewhere else was a coincidence. “Yes.” Pax said again. “I realize what it appeared to be, but nothing indecent at all was happening. You see, I was just having a problem with my pants…”

“You mean _in_ your pants.”

“Yes, and…no! That’s not what I meant at all!” Pax knew his face was all splotchy and red now. “I just needed to borrow a pair of pants, this pair of pants that I’m wearing, in fact, and Nate was helping me with a belt problem, and…”

“This explains why neither of you were wearing any clothes.” The captain was smiling, and Pax didn’t like that.

“I was wearing a shirt, thank you very much; it would pay you to be more observant, you know.” Pax thought about what he’d just said in the silence that followed. “That sounded better in my head than it did in real life.”

“I expect what’s in your head and what’s in the real world don’t often match up, Pax.” Natalie stopped walking, turned to face him. “So, your belt problem. Were you trying to suck a belt out of Nate’s mouth?”

“No, I…” Pax wished his voice didn’t get so squeaky like that. 

“I don’t care, Pax.” Natalie smiled down at him. “If I did, you’d have been swimming behind the boat. Frankly I’m surprised you waited that long.”

“There was no waiting. There was nothing to wait for. I was just changing clothes.”

“And…all the other times since then?”

Pax flushed again. “Well. You know how Nate likes to not do his work. I’ve been taking it upon myself to supervise him and make sure he’s not lazing around.” 

“We can all rest easier knowing you’ve got the situation in hand. Or mouth, as the case may be.” 

“Yes. I’m handling the Nate situation. Promise on my honour as a cabin boy.”

“Who knew that the solution was to kiss him this whole time?” The captain started walking again. “Though if you ask me he’s been a bit distracted by something the last few days. Always smiling like an idiot and daydreaming.”

“I’ll have to kiss him some more.” Pax mumbled. “Maybe I can help him focus if I kiss him some more. Like a lot more. Followed by a stern lecture once I have his attention, but mostly kissing. He’s a very good kisser, you know.”

“I can’t say I’ve had firsthand experience in recent years, as a matter of fact.” 

“Does it help if I mention that we’ve worn pants every other time?”

“It might, if I were worried about it, which I’m not.” There was a fork in the path and the captain considered her compass for a second and chose the left side. Pax wondered why there was a path on an island nobody lived on. If it was an animal trail, where were the animals, and also what kind of animal large enough to make this path lived on a tiny tropical island? He hoped it wasn’t a giant snake or something. “You also seem a little distracted, though.” 

“I’m not!” Pax insisted. “I’m very focused on my duties. And on other things. But mostly duties. I’m very dutiful.”

“You’ve been very dutiful since you came on board.” The captain agreed. “I’m glad to see that sense of duty being applied to your supervision of our first mate.” 

“He’s just very, very attractive.” Pax complained, not able to hold it in any longer. “And tall—not that much, but taller than me, which I like. And he’s frustratingly charming and has nice teeth. Why does he have such nice teeth? And his hands—they’re very rough from doing ship things even though I never see him do any ship things, and then when he touches you with them it’s…”

“Pax.” The captain interrupted. “Just because I’m not upset about this doesn’t mean I want to hear all the details.”

“Help me!” Pax cried. “How am I supposed to deal with this? You have to assign me things to do that will keep me away from him or something—I’d say you should assign him things to do that would keep him away from me, but we both know he won’t do them.”

“Help you?”

“What if I say something stupid and he decides he doesn’t like me anymore?” Pax continued, not hearing her. “What if we stop somewhere and he get enthralled by some local girl, or boy? What if he gets kidnapped and I can’t think clearly to rescue him because I’m too worried? What if he decides he doesn’t like me anymore? What do I have to do to make him keep liking me?”

“Pax!” Natalie raised her voice and Pax jumped, thinking that shouting was entirely unnecessary. “First of all, it isn’t my job to talk you through your relationship with Nate—if you’re worried about these things, talk to him about them. Second, Nate liked you after five seconds. I don’t think that’s going to change because of something you said.” 

“You don’t know that.” Pax said in a small voice. If he didn’t know that, it seemed pretty unlikely that anyone else would know that. 

“Of course I know that. So stop worrying about it and look for signs of fresh water.”

“I can’t.” Pax looked around the edges of the trail. He didn’t see anything that looked water-like. There was a huge insect mound off to the left a bit, but that was all. “I can’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how.”

“It’s not hard.”

“It is when nobody has ever liked me the way Nate does.” Pax tried to control the upset he was feeling, not let it take over. “It’s just…hard. I’m annoying and I’m in the way and I’m a liar.” Nate had told him that the differences in what they looked like weren’t important, but even if that were true there were still a lot of other reasons why Nate would be better off without Pax. “I just don’t understand why he would even like me in the first place, and now…”

“Pax, please don’t start crying.”

“I’m not.” Pax wiped his eyes, tried to breathe normally. “I was born without tear ducts, it’s a tragic birth defect that arises sometimes when too many deer are present at your birth.” 

“You’re inventing problems that don’t exist.” Natalie told him, utterly unphased by his congenital misfortune. “Why are you doing that? Just let yourself be happy.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.” Pax didn’t know how not to anticipate problems; it was the way he’d been raised, and there was at least one big one that he could think of. “Besides, at some point I…is that a snare trap?”

The captain looked over after Pax’s finger and frowned. There was what looked like a loop of twine resting innocuously in the roots of a tree, and when they looked closer there was definitely a trap there. “I thought this island was uninhabited.” 

“So did I.” The captain said, looking around. “We’re going to head back to the ship now, and call everyone back.”

“Shouldn’t we just find the locals and assure them we’re not here to steal their resources?” Pax asked. He didn’t see any other signs of habitation around. “We don’t want to approach them with the whole crew in tow and have them think we’re invading.”

“True, but we also don’t want to approach them in twos and it turns out they really don’t like strangers. Besides, the island wasn’t supposed to have people, so I hardly left anyone on the ship. Let’s go.” Pax nodded and the two of them hurried back down the narrow path towards the beach. 

There, Cedric was sitting on a log, smoking with the three other crew members who had been left to guard the ship. He stood as they hurried over. “Cap’n.” He said, grinning. “Pick’s group found a spring. They came and got the barrels, went back with some of the others.”

The captain stopped short and closed her eyes, taking a breath. “Good. That’s excellent. Send someone go after them and tell them to hurry. This island isn’t uninhabited after all.”

Cedric’s expression hardened and he turned to the other three. One of them, a short man named Orwell, ran off into the woods. “Six groups out aside from that one.” Cedric muttered.

“You three go get them.” The captain ordered. 

“I can go too.” Pax volunteered, subtly loosening the knives inside his shirt.

“I need someone to stay with me and the boats, just in case. Go.” Natalie said to the other three, and they ran off, leaving the two of them alone with all the landing boats. 

“Do you really think there’s danger?” Pax asked after a minute.

“No, but I’d rather fold the hand than wager and be wrong.” Natalie prowled up and down the line of boats and Pax trailed after her.

“You only bet when you can win?” Pax thought about that as a strategy. He didn’t bother to think about it as a metaphor because if they were getting the water anyway then they’d basically won. “You should play cards with me.” 

“How much do you enjoy losing?” 

“A whole lot, and this journey with your crew has been a huge disappointment on that front.” Pax grinned. 

“They say you cheat.”

“I don’t!” Pax was affronted. “I play creatively, that’s all.” 

“I’m sure.” 

Time seemed to pass more slowly than it had much right to while they waited, but eventually the groups started coming back, first Cedric’s and then the others, with Orwell and the large group rolling barrels full of fresh water coming last. 

Or second last. Pax looked around as everyone worked on loading the barrels and the crew into the landing boats. “Where’s Nate?” He asked of nobody in particular. Nobody in particular answered, so he trotted over to the captain. “Nate and Jade aren’t back.” 

“Pig couldn’t find them.” Natalie scowled at the skinny young man. He was only a few years older than Nate. “Said their trail markers didn’t lead anywhere, assumed they were on the way back.” 

Pax was hit with a sudden worry and he glanced out at the woods. “I’m going to find him.”

“Pax, he’ll be back soon.” 

“Captain.” Pax said, standing firm. 

Natalie regarded him for a minute. “Go. But don’t make me come after you with another rescue party.”

Pax nodded and turned away from her. “Pig, Delia, Eustace—come with me.” Pax pretended not to see the captain nod behind him and wave them off with him and chose to assume that they followed because of his commanding voice and powerful personality. 

“The path branches three times.” Pig told them as they walked up the trail Nate had taken. He sounded annoyed that he’d been made to come back again. “They marked it to show which way they went, but the trail ends at a little cave and they’re not in there. I thought they’d come back.” 

They reached the first branch in the path, where there were two marks in a tree. “Vertical one’s mine.” Eustace was a very pretty man with a wooden foot. “We split from Nate here.” Nate had carved two diagonal lines intersecting at the bottom as his marker. 

The second branch was marked with Nate’s lines and a little cross. “It was a dead end.” Delia told Pax. “Well, we met up with Eustace and Tyke, anyway. The paths all seem to connect in here.” 

“Almost like someone made them that way.” Pax grumbled. Why had it taken them so long to realize they weren’t alone? He was getting increasingly worried. 

“You think they’ve been attacked?” Pig asked, looking around and fiddling with his long knife.

“We don’t know that.” Pax pressed forward, though he did think that. 

The third branch in the path had only one marker on it, Nate’s lines on one side of a big fruit tree. “See, he went this way.” Pig told him, pointing up the path. “There’s a cave up there, but it’s tiny and doesn’t lead anywhere—and they weren’t inside. Maybe they ran into something and went into the woods from there?”

“They didn’t go that way.” Pax, said, looking at the marker and pointing down the other branch. “They went this way.” 

“Then why…”

“Nate didn’t carve this. Look at how the lines meet up. There are little chips from the left line in the right one—the right line was carved first.”

“You can tell that from looking at it?”

“The other two weren’t carved that way.” Pax hurried down the other path, forcing the other three to follow him. “Someone else made that so we would think Nate went the other way.” 

“Pax.” Delia called. “That means they know someone is going to be looking for him and Jade.” 

“I know.”

“We should go get backup.”

“We don’t need it.” There was another huge insect mound on the side of the path and Pax tried to imagine living in a place where there were bugs that needed a nest that big. 

“There’s someone coming down the path.” Eustace announced suddenly, and Pax couldn’t hear anything but some of the crew called Eustace ‘Ear’ and given how notoriously resistant sailors were to the notion of creativity, he waved everyone off the path and into the brush. 

After a few seconds he did hear voices coming up the path. “Seems like a waste.” A girl’s voice was saying. “Even if there’s a whole crew of them. Just getting rid of the two we have instead of doing something useful with them.”

“We’re not ‘just getting rid’ of them, Kay.”

“You know what I mean.”

They came into view a second later, a girl younger than Pax and a man about Pig’s age. They were similar in looks, dark-haired and angular, and wearing black coats even in the heat. A brother and sister, Pax thought. 

They were leading a tied-up Nate and Jade behind them. Both of them looked to have been hit a few times; one of Nate’s eyes was swollen shut and Jade was bleeding from a cut on her head. Pax fought back the urge to leap out of the bushes right there and he hoped that everyone else would show restraint as well. 

“There it is.” The man said, pointing out the insect mound. Pax felt his blood run cold. “Here you go.” He tripped Jade and tossed her to the ground, and when Nate tried to wrestle himself away, the man hit him in the stomach and threw him beside Jade. They were lying right in front of Pax. “It’s going to be awful and everything, but at least you’ll die quickly.” 

Kay, the girl, picked up a small stone and tossed it at the mound, and a moment later Pax could hear a sickening clicking sound, and from the top of the mound emerged the mandible of an insect, followed by its body, and…

“Oh, God.” Pax whispered. The centipede that emerged from the mound was nearly as thick as his wrist and half as long as Pax was tall. It circled around the mound, followed out by another, and another, and quickly started in Nate’s direction. “No.”

“Hey!” Pig jumped out of the bushes and ran at the two and though the man looked surprised, he waved a hand and the bush reached out to grab Pig and trip him. 

“That’s a faster rescue than mom and dad expected. I wonder if he came alone?”

“Go.” Pax kicked Delia and hoped Eustace would follow her. The both burst from the bushes as well and Pax waited a beat before following them, rolling and staying behind the other two, bringing his knife out and slashing Nate’s ropes as quickly as he could. “Here.” He shoved the knife into Nate’s hands just as the first centipede reached Jade’s foot.

“Pax?”

“Rescuing you; keep up, Nate.” Pax brought out another knife and took the centipede in the head just as it started to climb Jade’s leg, then leapt over to her and cut her ropes as well with a third knife. “Are you okay?”

Jade sat up, nodding and rubbing her bald head, and slashed abruptly at another centipede that got too close to her. The others were clicking aggressively as the three of them stood.

Two grunts behind Pax drew his attention and he saw Delia and Eustace slumped on the ground. “Magic isn’t fair.” He complained. 

“Only people who don’t have it think that.” The girl said, raising her hand to do more.

Pax reached into the openings he’d cut into his pants and seized two more knives, whipping them both through the air before either of their attackers could do anything. He caught Kay in the wrist in between the two long bones and the man through the hand. Both cried out and reeled back from the sudden pain. “Run!” 

Pig had managed to get untangled from the plant and the other two were on their feet, so they all did. They had to get past the centipedes and they bit at their ankles and clicked angrily. Pax stomped on as many of them as he could and he saw that he wasn’t the only one. The insects followed them down the path even if the two attackers didn’t. 

Even the centipedes stopped chasing them after a while, but Pax led them running all the way back to the beach and only stopped when they were right in front of the boats. Only the captain and Cedric were still there; the others had all gone back. “What happened?” Natalie demanded.

“Answers later; boat now.” Pax waved everyone into the craft, but Nate had gotten down on his knees and was sticking his fingers down his throat. He retched for a minute and threw up into the water, and right before Pax looked away he noticed that the contents of Nate’s stomach were blue. Jade did the same thing.

“You two okay?” He asked as he helped them both into the boat.

Nate nodded. “They made us drink some potion. Said it was for the centipedes.” 

“Who are _they? ___” The captain demanded, again. Pax helped Cedric push the boat into the water and got in with a huge sigh of relief.

“Witches, is my guess.” Pax told her. Pax had experience with wizards and sorcerers and the magic hadn’t seemed the same, and mages didn’t usually manipulate the environment like with the bush. Plus, potions were a witch thing. “Also terrifyingly long centipedes, God.” He slumped on the bench for a moment before reaching out to take an oar. Cedric just gave him a look and Delia took it instead. 

“Are you two okay?” Natalie asked Nate and Jade. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the island was inhabited until it was too late.”

“It’s okay; they didn’t do anything to us aside from rough us up a little. They were going to capture the rest of you too.” 

Pax gripped Nate’s hand and squeezed. Nate put his arm around Pax’s middle. “Nice work with the knives.”

“Did you think they were for show? You owe me new knives, by the way. I’m very particular about what kind of knives I like.” Now that the danger had passed Pax was breathing hard. He wasn’t built for this high-adrenaline lifestyle. He liked his excitement to happen at night, in other people’s houses, while they were sleeping. 

“Thank you very much, Pax. Seems like you were able to think clearly.” Natalie said, looking at him significantly. Pax coloured and looked down at the floor of the boat with a small smile.

“I guess I was.” 

“Witches and giant centipedes and he didn’t even bat an eye.” Jade said proudly, as if she herself had taught Pax to fight. “Had all six of us out of there in under a minute.”

The captain was looking at him curiously and Pax grinned fiercely, imagining a glint in his eye. “I never fold the hand when I know I can win.” 

Natalie smiled back. “Maybe we _should_ play cards.” 

“Are you fond of losing?”

“I don’t lose.”

“Neither do I.”

“Do the two of you want some privacy?” Nate asked.

“Shh…” Pax said, patting Nate’s shoulder. “I’m going to lecture you later about not getting kidnapped. You almost got Jade killed. I like Jade.” 

“But not me?”

“Clean out your mouth and we’ll see.” 

“I changed my mind.” Natalie declared. “Someone toss him overboard. He can swim back to the ship.”

“Wait, no!” Pax looked around wildly, trying to protect himself from everyone at once. “I deserve some gratitude! I saved a very valuable member of your crew! And also Nate. That’s got to be worth something. Like a pay bump. I could use more pay.”

“We don’t pay you.”

“Well, there ought to be a law against that.” Pax grumbled. 

They laughed at him, but Pax didn’t care. He was just glad they had all gotten off the island safely, that he hadn’t fucked it up and gotten Nate killed. 

Nate holding his hand the whole way back to the ship was a nice plus as well.


	10. Knowing that All Life is a Gamble Makes Gambling for Fun a Lot Easier

Pax carefully considered the cards in his hand before he said anything. “I’m in.” He tossed some coins in the centre of the little table. 

“You’re a bad liar, Pax.” Natalie declared. “I can already tell you’re bluffing.” She raised the bet quite considerably, and all of them played in. “I expected you to be a lot better at this.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Pax smiled. “I’m winning.” 

They were playing with Pig and a burly woman named Tulip. Nate had been with them originally but he sucked, so they’d collectively kicked him out after a few hands and he’d joined a dice game behind them instead. 

In honour of getting water and not dying on Terrifying Centipede Island (Pax was trying to get the name to catch on with moderate success) a few days back the captain had declared tonight a night off and everyone was gambling and drinking to celebrate. Plus he’d finally gotten that card game with the captain, and Pig and Tulip were pretty good too. 

Sure, he had the smallest pile of coins in front of him at the moment, which all three of them eyed meaningfully at his statement, but that wasn’t important. “Usually the person with the most money is the winner.” Pig told him, smirking. 

“Sure.” Pax said, raising the bet again. “At the _end_ of the game.” Pig just kept smiling and dealt out another card to everyone. Pax glanced at his and hid a small smile of his own. 

Natalie didn’t bother to hide hers, and pushed a pile of coins into the centre of the table. Pig and Tulip matched her, and Pax frowned, counting. He didn’t technically have that much. But he put what he had up and dug out a knife to add to the pile. Natalie looked at him and frowned. “You’re willing to lose another knife? You’ve only got so many.” 

“I’m very partial to these knives.” Pax said. “They mean a lot to me.”

“You’re full of shit.” Tulip declared. “You talk too much for someone who’s going to win and your knife will make a nice toothpick.”

“She’s right.” Pig tossed in one more coin. “Here, you can throw your shirt in against that. We’ll do Nate a favour.” 

Pax narrowed his eyes, appeared to think about it for a minute. “Okay.” 

Natalie looked at him for a long time. “You going to play?” He asked innocently, knowing what the answer would be. She’d told him back on the island.

He was right. “No.” The captain said. “I was wrong, you’re not bluffing. Fold.” And she did. Pax turned his eyes to Tulip. She looked between Natalie and Pax and Pig before putting her cards down too. 

“Good choice.” Pax said, turning his smile on Pig. “I’ll do Nate twice the favour and raise you my pants too.” 

Pig thought about it, for a good long time, searching Pax’s face for something he didn’t find. “I’ll spare everyone having to deal with Nate’s infatuation.” He muttered, putting his cards down.

Pax grinned and put his cards on the table, took everyone’s money. “Fuck you!” Pig declared on seeing Pax’s collection of mismatched low cards. He turned on the captain. “You said he wasn’t bluffing!”

“I was wrong.” Natalie shrugged, looking at Pax with that interested smile she’d been using on him lately. “Wasn’t worth the risk.” She flipped her own cards over and showed that her hand had been decent at best. 

“I’m going to get another drink.” Pax declared, standing from the rickety table. “If you want one, now’s the time.” Natalie nodded but Tulip and Pig waved him off, probably on the misguided assumption that they would win if they were more sober. 

Poor fools.

“Pax!” Nate grabbed his arm as he went by, pulling him towards his dice game. “Help.”

“Nate, you have to learn to get through life without me. I can’t always swoop in and save you from whatever trouble you’ve gotten into.” 

“Yeah, Nate. Play fair.” Delia said, and Tyke and Peak made noises of agreement. “Using Pax is cheating.”

“Is not. I really need to win this roll, Pax. I’m losing. Please?” Pax looked down at the game and saw that Nate did indeed really need to win this roll. He had hardly any money but the pot for this round was pretty big. Full of coins and those odd white balls someone had found a bag of on Terrifying Centipede Island, which the crew were using to gamble in place of money. 

“Fine, fine. What do you need?” Pax took the dice, rolled them around in his hand, feeling the sides with his thumb. 

“The highest odd number you can. I’m counting on you, Pax.” Nate kissed him on the cheek. “For luck.”

“I don’t need luck.” Pax muttered. “It’s all skill.” He tossed the dice with a flick of his wrist and they came up four sixes and a five. Nate whooped and kissed Pax again on the mouth, while the other three booed. 

“Thanks, Pax. You’re a lifesaver.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Pax bent over and scooped up two of Nate’s coins, pretending not to be as effected by the kiss as he was. “Going now. I’ve got my own life, Nate.” 

“Bet that game got boring after you made me leave.”

“I wouldn’t have made you leave if you were better at it, and it’s not boring; I’m hoping to convince the captain to bet the ship in a few hands.” Pax hesitated a second, leaned in to kiss Nate one more time before hopping off to get some ale from the tankard set up on the other side of the deck. 

This was nice, he reflected as he made his way back. He liked this. He was having fun. He wasn’t supposed to like it here—he had places to go and the _Sparkling Wind_ was just a way to get there. But he did. He liked being on this ship more than he’d liked anywhere he’d ever been before. 

“Got a little distracted, did you?” Tulip asked when he came back, setting mugs in front of Natalie and himself. 

“Nate is a force of nature when it comes to distraction.” Pax muttered. He’d glanced at Nate’s game again on the way by and watched him throw a terrible roll. He would really be better off not gambling. Natalie was dealing out another hand. 

“I feel like if you won the throw for him that’s kind of cheating.” Pig said. “I’ve diced with you and you cheat.” 

“I don’t cheat.” Pax said, looking at his hand for a second and folding immediately just to throw everyone off because he usually didn’t fold. Sure enough, all of them paused for a second. “It’s all luck. How do you cheat at a luck-based game?”

“I heard you say it was skill just now.” 

“Where I’m from, luck is a skill. You’re trained to hone your luck for your whole life by sleeping with snakes and jumping off of cliffs and having staring contests with birds. When we reach adulthood everyone has to pick from three cups and drink. Two of them are poisoned and if you die it’s because you didn’t train your luck enough. All three of mine were poisoned, actually, but I still survived because I’m that good.” 

Natalie was used enough to Pax’s chatter that she didn’t tell him to be quiet, and sure enough she won the hand pretty easily after Pig folded in frustration. “Didn’t you say something about the person with the most money?” Pax asked, entirely innocently. 

“Shut up.”

It was a few hands later that Pax saw his chance. Something in the way everyone reacted to their cards, paired with the fact that his were actually perfect. He more than tripled the bet all at once. They all matched him, but Natalie was the only one who did so confidently. Pax was dealing so he handed out cards, and smiled again, watching the captain and ignoring the other two. 

Pig folded first, when Natalie’s raise threatened to put him out of coins. Tulip fell right after him. “Not getting in the middle of this staring contest.” She muttered. 

“If I win,” Natalie said, throwing more coin into the substantial pile. “You’ll give me the whole bloody truth about what you’re doing on my ship. Including where you learned to throw your knives like that and all the other amazing skills you display.” 

“I am pretty amazing, aren’t I?” Pax finished off his mug. “I don’t see the incentive. What if I win?”

“I’ll make you first mate for a week.” 

“Nate will love that.” Pax grinned. “Actually he probably will. Someone to do his job for him. It will actually get done for once. You can make him my cabin boy for the week, too.” 

“Careful, Pax. Your fantasies are getting all over my card game.” 

“What fantasies? Do people fantasize about their cabin boys? Because you’re the only person here with one of those, Captain. “

“I often fantasize about sewing your mouth shut. Fine, you’ll get Nate to do your bidding. You lose and you tell your little story, then you don’t talk for three days. Not a sound, Pascal.” 

“I happen to be fully fluent in southern fingertalk, Natalie.” Pax said, pushing the rest of his money forward as well. “Done.”

The captain mirrored him. “Done.” She laid her cards down, a high flush. 

Pax felt something coming at him and turned his head, reaching up and snatching it out of the air. It was one of those white balls from Terrifying Centipede Island. “Sorry!” Someone called. Pax turned and tossed it back to Jade on the other end of the deck. 

He was facing the deck now and saw Tyke pick up one of his balls as well. “This one’s cracked.” He said, curious. 

That got Pax’s attention and he stepped out of his chair, moving towards Nate’s game and ignoring the call to come back to the table and lose like a man. “Let me see.” Tyke held it out to him and indeed, the stone was cracked, and the crack was widening and… “That’s not a rock. It’s an egg.” 

Even as he said it the egg came apart and Tyke was holding a little red centipede. “Shit!” He dropped it like it was on fire.

Pax had a knife out and whipped it forward, and it caught the baby centipede and pinned it to the ship’s rail a few feet away. “Get them off the ship.” He said, voice taut.

“Throw them all overboard!” Nate ordered, standing and making sure everyone heard him. “The stones—they’re eggs. Get them off the ship, now!” The deck became a flurry of movement as all the sailors hurried to rid themselves of Terrifying Centipede Island’s most terrifying residents, with a few of them hurrying off below to find and dispose of the ones they’d hidden away in case they actually were valuable. Once all of them were gone a tense silence covered the deck. 

“That’d better be all of them.” Natalie declared from the table. “Last thing we need is giant bugs eating the damn ship.” 

Pax and Nate shared a worried look, but Nate nodded at him. “That’s all of them.” He said with a confidence that couldn’t be real. 

But it made Pax feel better and he nodded back, went back to his table. “More of those amazing knife skills.” Natalie said as he sat. “Time to spill where you got them from.”

Pax smiled. “What can I say?” He turned over his own cards, a different suit but otherwise identical to the captain’s. “I was born talented.” 

He really did like it here.


	11. Everybody Wants Things; It's How They Get Them That Determines Character

“Next I’ll want to take a look at the night watch schedule.” Pax said, reading over the inventory he’d taken of the contents of the galley. They were actually pretty well off for provisions, so that was good. “It seems to me that mostly we just pick a few people at random every night and that’s hardly fair. I’ll draft a schedule.” 

“You know.” Nate said, following Pax as he walked, though Pax wasn’t walking anywhere in particular. But briskly walking places was what important people did and Pax was important, so he was walking briskly. “The captain was joking about this whole role-reversal thing with you and me. She didn’t really mean…”

“Of course she wasn’t joking, Nate. I won you in a card game. You expect her to renege on a bet that she made?” 

“You tied her that hand. I asked Pig.”

“I know, and I let her keep most of the money.” What was Pax going to use money for anyway? “So she let me keep you and your job. For a week.” He was pretty sure the captain had done it because she’d thought it would be funny, but Pax thought it was an opportunity to finally set the ship right. “I’m going to talk to the crew and find out if they have watch preferences. I’ll work out a schedule based on that.”

“You know that you being in charge is very, very attractive.” 

Pax flushed and looked away. “After that we’re going to see to the organization of the goods we’re going to sell in White Cape. They’re a mess and you can’t find anything.” 

“What’s your plan in all this?”

“Well, I haven’t looked at them yet but I figured we’d put the heaviest things in the front to stop the other things from moving around.” 

“Not the shipment.” Nate said, taking the galley inventory when Pax handed it off to him. “I mean all of this. I think the point of this was to give you a break from dealing with the captain. Why make all this work for yourself when in a week we’ll switch back and I’ll go back to doing everything my way?”

“Oh, that plan.” Pax nodded. “I was wondering if you’d be prescient enough to ask. Prescient means you can intuit the future. On the last day of my tenure as first mate I plan to broaden the duties of the captain’s cabin boy to include overseeing the day-to-day organization of the ship. That way the captain and first mate will have more time to focus on what matters, the ship will run more smoothly, and the poor cabin boy won’t be bored to tears all the time.” 

“You…” Nate stopped and Pax stopped as well, turning to look at him, wondering if maybe he pushed it too far and made Nate angry. But Nate was looking at Pax as if he’d never seen him, a smile spreading across his face. “You’re a megalomaniac.” 

“I’m surprised you know what that word means.” Pax said, turning away to walk briskly some more. 

“The way we do things now has always worked. Nobody is going to appreciate this.”

“At first. They’ll come to see my way is better.” Pax asserted. “Besides, everyone likes me.” 

“No, we don’t!” Delia called from somewhere in response. Pax glared at her and thought that she looked like someone who could use the night watch six or seven days in a row. She just grinned at him and Pax shook his head. 

“Careful, or you’ll end up like the Sea King.” Nate said. 

“That sounds appealing, but my group of friends are all really anti-royalty and I’m afraid they’ll kick me out of our jousting club, so I’ll pass on the coronation.”

Nate didn’t say anything and after a minute Pax sighed. “Fine. Tell me who the Sea King is.” 

“Please?”

“Consider it an order.”

“I seem to remember you saying that the first mate and the captain’s cabin boy were basically equals.”

“I’ve made some changes to the command structure since my promotion.” Pax tapped a finger against his thigh patiently. “The crew wanted to make sure you didn’t wield any power. Which reminds me, I’m taking your bed. You can sleep on the floor.”

“I can’t sleep in the bed with you?” Nate smiled. He didn’t object to losing the bed, which Pax would have done. 

Pax looked at him. “Maybe. I’ll consider if it you can avoid any further insubordination. But you’re going to be wearing all your clothes and so will I.” He pretended that was a huge concession on his part and not something he’d been planning to order anyway. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“The Sea King, Nate? Please?”

Nate grinned. “Just a story. Maybe one of those stories that was real at some point, but who knows? The Sea King was a sailor who got his hands on too much, too quickly. Like you.”

“He was a cabin boy?” Pax was impressed; all sailing stories were about captains of ships and while he wasn’t disputing the narrative value of that trope, as a cabin boy he would have liked to see himself represented a little more often. 

“He was first mate on a trading ship.” That was disappointing, Pax thought. Just another tired narrative of a person in a position of privilege. But he kept listening. “Until he decided that wasn’t enough, mutinied against his captain and killed him, got himself a ship. He turned to piracy, stole what he wanted from other people. One day they’d cast some nets to fish so they wouldn’t have to put in at port for supplies and he caught a mermaid. She told him she’d give him the blessings of the sea if he’d let her go and give up his life of greed.”

“This is a pretty classic narrative structure.” Pax muttered. “I can see where it’s going.”

“He killed her, obviously. Decided rather than having her give him the blessing as she saw fit, he’d just take it from her. He made her bones into a crown, a sceptre, jewelry, and named himself the Sea King. Raised himself a castle of coral in the ocean and demanded fealty from everyone who sailed the seas in return for not sinking all their ships.” 

Pax frowned. “The bones gave him magical powers? That seems farfetched.”

Nate just gave him a look. “You have no idea how to listen to a story. Anyway, they sent navies against him and he sank them, so he got his fealties, but then he wanted more—decided that he wanted everyone on land to pay him what he thought he was due as well. He threatened to sink the whole world if everyone didn’t acknowledge him as king.” 

“I’m guessing they didn’t.”

“They almost did. But he was killed by the Coral Witch, who some say was his lover, some say was related to the mermaid he killed, some say both. Either way she got into his castle and told him that humans weren’t meant to control the sea, and to give up now before the sea destroyed him. He didn’t, and she filled the castle with seawater and drowned him, and tossed his bone regalia into the four corners of the ocean.” 

“The ocean doesn’t have…”

“The point is…”

“Being greedy for power is bad for you. Got it, Nate.” Pax smiled. “I just want to make things easier for you and the captain, that’s all.” He hesitated, colouring a little. “And be able to order you to kiss me whenever I want.” 

“You could have done that anyway.”

Pax threw his hands in the air. “Now he tells me, after I’ve been saddled with this unwieldly responsibility. I bet this was part of your plan all along to slack off, wasn’t it? I’m not going to let you slack off on my watch, Nate.” 

“I wouldn’t want you to.” Nate smiled back, but he looked almost shy all of the sudden. “Hey, Pax?” 

“Why do you say it like we haven’t been talking for an hour?”

“Shut it. Do you think that…I mean in five or ten years, if I…you know, had a ship that I was the captain of.” Nate hesitated, and it was so uncharacteristic of him that Pax leaned in despite himself. “Would you be my first mate, do you think?”

Pax’s face exploded in colour and he turned away, more stunned than he cared to admit. “Well. Um. I mean.” He couldn’t quite form a cogent answer. “How do you plan to become the captain? Are you going to mutiny against the captain we have now? I like her, you know, plus I just heard a story that says that’s the first step on a very bad path and you’d look bad in bones. You—you’re lucky I won’t tell her about this; she’d make you walk the plank. Is that a real thing? Do people really do that? Do we have a plank?”

“Yes, probably and no.” By now, Nate had to be used to Pax babbling to avoid answering things, but he let Pax do it anyway. “I didn’t mean that, I meant…”

“I know.” Pax interrupted. “What you meant. I, um. Maybe? I mean, you’d need someone to keep you in line and run the ship for you since we both know you wouldn’t do it. But I’m not actually a sailor and you’d be better with someone else. But…I…guess I would…be willing to think about it.”

From behind came Nate’s arms, wrapping around him. Nate kissed him on the neck. “Thanks, Pax.” 

“You’re setting a terrible example for the crew.” Pax muttered. “Behaving this way to your first mate.” But he didn’t try to get away. 

After a minute Nate let him go and turned Pax around to face him. “Is this really all you want to do? Make lists and schedules? That’s why you wanted to be first mate?”

“Well…” Pax smiled a little, tried to hide it. “Yes. I mean, a well-organized ship will be its own reward. And there were the kisses. But there…might have been other things.” Nate was silent in that way that made Pax want to talk more, but he managed to hold his tongue for a few seconds at least. “I want to drive the ship. Teach me how to drive the ship.” 

“Please?”

“I’ll let you sleep in the bed with me.” Pax bit his lip. “Wearing whatever you want.” 

“Close enough.” Nate declared, grinning so broadly that Pax feared he might split a lip. “Come on, first mate. You’ve only got a week. Let’s make the most of it.”

Pax intended to.


	12. Forming Strong Attachments to People is Dangerous for Transient Individuals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story. This story has diverged the most from what was originally planned. Not really in terms of plot, but mostly tone. This was supposed to be the 'funny' one, and it's about to get...pretty not-funny for a while. I am sorry in advance.

“It’s far enough into spring that it’s probably safe to turn north again.” The captain declared, indicating a route on the map she’d laid on her little writing desk. 

“That’s great.” Pax said, leaning forward with his elbows on the desk, not making much effort to lean forward to see the map better because the way he was standing now, the table conveniently hid everything below his bellybutton and therefore prevented Pax from looks and comments he didn’t want to deal with. “I’m sick of the tropics. I hate the tropics. It’s all terrifying centipedes and islands with jungles on them. Jungles aren’t supposed to be on islands. In fact I’m not sure jungles are supposed to be anywhere. Who decided we should have jungles anyway?”

Natalie just gave him a look. “White Cape will be the next major port, though we’ll be stopping in a few smaller places before then.” 

“This route doesn’t get us there until spring’s nearly over.” Nate said, looking down at what the captain had planned. 

“We were later in the south than I meant to be.” The captain nodded. “And we’re trying a few new things. Stopovers on some of the offshore ports. It’s hard to make money there but those people must need _something._ If it’s a bust we won’t do it again next year.” 

“Seems to me we’d almost have to do it again next year for it not to be a bust.” Pax said, shifting uncomfortably and wishing he could fix his pants. “This year we find out what they want and next year we come back and sell it to them.” Now they were both giving him looks, and Pax frowned at the map, pretending not to notice. Because, just like the little problem he was having in his pants, if he pretended this problem wasn’t real then it would go away. “Or I guess we could come back in the autumn when we’re headed south again.”

“We?” Natalie asked. 

Pax blinked, looked up at her. “You. I meant you. Obviously not we. I’m not going to be here. I’m getting off at White Cape and living the rest of my life on land. I think I’ve angered the sea spirits enough for one lifetime.” 

“Pax…” 

“In fact.” Pax said, speaking over Nate, because if he let Nate talk something bad might happen, and one of them might say or do something stupid. “Since I’m leaving maybe I should just…leave. I mean why I am in this meeting? What kind of wonky power structure has the cabin boy in a navigational meeting? I should be pouring wine or something. I should, um. I should go.”

And so Pax did, turning quickly and ignoring the call of his name. He found himself not really in the mood to talk to anyone so he went below deck to where they were storing all of the things they were going to sell in White Cape, where he stayed for most of the afternoon. Nobody ever came down here so he was assured of privacy. 

It wasn’t fair, Pax reflected. Being upset—not that he was upset; Pax was a realist and a pragmatist and various other types of –ist that meant he didn’t get upset about stupid things like having to leave the ship eventually—should mean that blood flow was directed away from his groin and to his head, because in Pax’s experience being upset took a lot of mental effort. But no. He had to deal with stupid problems in his head and stupid problems in his pants at the same damn time. Roberta wasn’t wrong when she said that boys were stupid. 

It was all Nate’s fault, of course. The amount of time they spent kissing and the amount of attractive that Nate was made it pretty much inevitable that something of a boner nature was going to happen, and Pax could hardly ever do anything about it because there was hardly any privacy on this stupid ship. 

There was a little space he’d secretly left between two large crates when he’d had Nate rearrange the storage when he’d been first mate last week. That had been a great week, even though sleeping with Nate had arguably been the cause of most of his problems, the physical and emotional, because not dreaming about Nate was hard enough for Pax as it was. He squeezed himself in between the crates with a sigh, but rather than doing anything about his immediate problem, he rested his head against the wood and tried to talk himself out of being upset about his future problem. That was more important, and besides, it might help the boner issue go away.

He had to leave the _Sparkling Wind_ in White Cape. That had always been the plan—getting to White Cape was the reason he was on the ship in the first place. Any fantasies he might have about pretending to be dead and just staying here forever were just dreams, and dreams were fun but he had to live his life in the waking world. 

Pax had a job to do and he had to go to White Cape to do it. The part of him that wanted to abandon that and stay with Nate was stupid and he spent no small amount of time making it be quiet. 

“Okay.” Pax said to himself, once he’d managed to calm down. “Now this.” Moving slowly in the small space, Pax reached down and undid his belt, reached into his pants. This wasn’t his preferred way of dealing with the problem, but it was the only one he had available now.

He hadn’t even done anything yet when he heard footfalls and stopped, suppressing a sigh. Nobody ever came down here, except when they did. 

Whoever it was rummaged around for several minutes. Pax thought by the pattern of footsteps it was probably Cedric, and wanted to tell him that the bag of flour was on the low shelf near the door. But that would have ruined the point of hiding and Pax’s pants were still undone. 

Finally he found it and left, and Pax sighed. “Okay.”

But this time he didn’t even get his hand down there before someone came into the storage room. “Pax?” It was Nate. The rest of Pax’s body stiffened and he didn’t say anything. “Pax, I know you’re in here. You always hide in here.”

_That’s not true._ Sometimes Pax hid behind a pile of tarps in the crew’s sleeping quarters (which was one big room) and sometimes he hid in the galley behind all of Cedric’s pots and sometimes he hid in the captain’s quarters, though there wasn’t anywhere to actually hide in there and he mostly just relied on people being too afraid to open the door and check. But he bit back his natural impulse to tell Nate he was wrong and just hoped that Nate would realize it on his own. 

He probably wouldn’t. Nate wasn’t the smartest first mate this ship had ever had. 

“You ran away from us kind of abruptly and it was weird.” Nate said to the (as far as he knew) empty room. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay? Because if you want to talk to me you can, you know, talk to me.” 

Pax didn’t want to talk to Nate; Nate was the source of all of Pax’s problems all the time. 

“Look I’m not going to tear everything apart looking for you, mostly because you’d kill me and make me clean up the mess after.” That was true, at least. “I just…wish you wouldn’t hide from me, Pax.” 

Pax bit his lip, feeling oddly bad for no particular reason. Frankly, it was only that he had his pants down that stopped him from coming out just out of guilt. Stupid Nate. He wanted to apologize but mostly he just wanted Nate to _go away._

“I’ll be around.” Nate said, and he left the storage hold, and Pax sighed.

“Great.” He muttered to himself, still hard but not in the mood to do anything about it now. So much for his cleverly constructed façade of indifference. 

Instead he sat there for a what he deemed an appropriate amount of time before getting up, fixing his clothes and leaving his shirt untucked to cover his front in a very subtle way, before heading above deck slowly, peeking around to make sure Nate wasn’t lurking at the door or something. 

The _Sparkling Wind_ was a big enough ship that he was able to safely avoid Nate for most of the rest of the day. It was easy enough to just duck behind people or rope and avoid Nate’s gaze, or to pretend to be doing something really important whenever it looked like Nate might be near.

Until near dark, when a hand suddenly clamped down on his wrist. “You’re avoiding me.” 

“No I’m not.” Pax squeaked, surprised to see Nate there. He was supposed to be in his cabin. “You’re avoiding me. I’m pretty sure it’s because you’re intimidated by me, but really there’s no need to be, Nate. The crew likes you just fine, promise. You should let go of my hand.”

“Pax.” Nate did let go, and Pax resisted the urge to scurry away because Nate would just follow him. “Sleep with me tonight.”

“That’s awfully forward, don’t you think?”

‘I think we’re at the point where I can be forward. You haven’t slept with me since you gave back my bed. I miss you.” 

“You see me every day.” Pax countered, but Nate just stepped forward and pulled Pax into a kiss that Pax didn’t really resist as much as he pretended to—mostly it was for posterity and the fact that people could see them. 

Nate pulled back suddenly, frowning. His hand wandered downward and Pax grabbed it before it could touch anything inappropriate. “Wait. Is this why your shirt’s untucked? Have you been hiding this?” He frowned some more as he thought about it. “All day?”

“Well time is an illusion and days are a lie told to children to make them go to bed when in reality all of creation is one endless snacktime, so I think it’s unfair to make temporal claims about…”

“Pax.”

“Maybe.” Pax flushed and looked away. 

“Is _this_ why you’ve been avoiding me?”

“Maybe.” It had been part of the reason, that was for sure. It definitely wasn’t the whole reason but honestly, Pax was happier to have Nate think it was. 

Nate sighed. “You know you can use my cabin to deal with this, right? You don’t need to walk around and suffer all day.” 

Pax scowled. He really ought to just tell Nate to leave him be, let him sort out his own troubles. Someday they wouldn’t be together and Pax really shouldn’t get any closer to Nate than he was. “Of course I should use your cabin to deal with it.” He said, while he was thinking that. “It’s your fault. You should take responsibility.”

“You’ve been thinking about me?”

“By which I of course mean that you could, if you weren’t busy and if you wanted to, I wouldn’t be adverse to the possibility of us considering the idea of you maybe helping me with this, is what I’m saying.” They could probably put out the lamps because Pax’s face was providing enough light for the whole ship. 

Nate blinked, grinned and took Pax by the hand, leading him towards his cabin. “Wait, I have duties first—I have to wait until the captain is in bed, and…”

“No, you don’t.” Nate said. “Captain! I’m borrowing your cabin boy for the night!”

“Okay.” Natalie said from the helm, waving Nate off without looking. 

“Nate!” Pax hissed. In a louder voice, he called, “We’re not going to do anything indecent! I’m just helping Nate with…”

“Yes we are!” Nate said, shouting over Pax. A few people applauded and Pax scowled at them, too mortified to do anything but let Nate drag him away from everyone and into the relative privacy of the cabin. 

“I can’t believe you did that. Don’t do that.”

“They were all going to assume it anyway.” 

“That doesn’t mean you _tell them!_ ” 

“Can I take off your clothes?”

Pax scowled some more, to make sure Nate understood his opinion on the matter. “Yes.” He said finally, and no sooner had he gotten the word out than Nate was reaching out and lifting Pax’s shirt over his head, before kissing him breathless against the door. 

Pax grabbed at Nate’s shirt in response, waiting until he came up for air to lift it off with what he thought was considerably more tact than Nate had used. He let his hands wander up and down Nate’s back while they kissed some more, making little noises as Nate did the same. Nate was pressing against him, grinding their hips together, and that was great but Pax thought there were far too many pairs of pants in between them so he set about loosening Nate’s belt.

Nate pulled back, one hand reached down to undo Pax’s pants as well. He paused. “Are you okay? We can slow down.”

“No.” Pax said, aggressively finishing with Nate’s belt and watching with a little bit of pride as Nate’s pants fell, leaving him naked. Nate looked good naked. “If we slow down I’ll start thinking and if I do that I’ll start coming up with reasons to stop and I don’t want to stop, Nate. I don’t want to stop yet and I think we should get on the bed because this door isn’t very comfortable.”

“As always, you have the best ideas.”

“Just my modest contribution to the world.” Pax muttered, stepping forward and pushing Nate back, stepping out of his pants as he did. A few more steps and they fell onto the bed together, shifting around for a minute until they ended up beside each other, and Pax moved in to close the gap between the two of them, kissing Nate some more and pressing their bodies together. 

Nate’s hands were all over Pax, touching and grabbing and feeling him, and Pax had never imagined that just being touched like that would be so _good,_ it was actually almost distracting him from grinding his own hardness against Nate’s, neither of them bothering with any semblance of patience or restraint as they gave into what they both wanted and…

Pax came first, but not by much. He vaguely heard the keening noise he was making and didn’t care, and soon Nate was holding his backside tightly in both hands and shooting up in between their bodies as well. 

They lay huddled beside each other, panting, when they were done. Nate ran his hands down to Pax’s legs, fiddled with the harnesses of his knives. “I didn’t notice you had these on still.” 

“I’m a dangerous person to know, Nate.” 

Nate’s breathing eventually slowed. Pax’s didn’t. “You okay?” Nate asked. 

Pax nodded against Nate’s shoulder. “I’m great. That was great. We should do that again.” 

“Right now?”

“Let me have my refractory period, Nate. I’m mostly human. And let me have my afterglow, I hear there’s supposed to be an afterglow and I was looking forward to that.” 

“You’re doing it already.” 

“No I’m not.” Pax didn’t know what Nate was talking about, but Nate was always wrong so it was pretty likely that he wasn’t doing whatever Nate thought he was doing. 

“You’re talking yourself out of it. Stop that, Pax.”

“How could I talk myself out of it? We’ve already done it. I can’t talk myself out of something that’s already happened.”

“Sure you can.” Nate kissed the top of Pax’s head. “You’re just that skilled.”

“I am that.” Pax admitted, and he was also thinking of all the reasons why this had been a bad idea. 

“Calm down.”

“I can’t.” Pax muttered. “I don’t regret this. I’m happy we did it. I’m happy, Nate, I really am.”

“But.”

“But I have to leave when we get to White Cape.” Pax said, breath catching for a second. “I have to leave the ship, Nate. I have to. I can’t stay here.” 

“I know, Pax.” 

“Then why aren’t you upset? Why…”

“Because you’re too important to me to stop you from doing what you need to do. And because if we have a limited amount of time I don’t want to spend it being upset.” 

Nate made it all sound so reasonable and easy. “You’re right.” Pax said finally, schooling his breathing to be more in line with Nate’s.

“I know. Are you okay now?”

“You have to stop asking if I’m okay. It just belies your own insecurities.”

“You can talk all you want. I still noticed you didn’t answer.”

Damn. “I’m fine.” Pax lied. “Thank you. And for…you know.”

“Yeah, I was there.” Pax flushed and didn’t say anything. Nate yawned, and Pax yawned after him despite his best attempt not to. “We should go to sleep.”

“I’m enjoying the afterglow.” He was, actually. It was nice laying here like this with Nate. If only it could last longer. “I’m going to start sleeping in here again.” He decided suddenly.

“Good. I’ve missed you.” 

“I feel like your response should be more enthusiastic.”

“I’m plenty enthusiastic, trust me. I’ll show you how much in the morning.”

“I have to get the captain’s breakfast.”

“I’m sure she knows where the galley is.”

Pax started to protest that she’d probably eat something unhealthy or not eat at all if he didn’t bring her food, but then realized he wasn’t as worried about it as he should have been. “Yeah. I guess she does.”

“Goodnight, Pax.”

“Goodnight, Nate.” Pax lay there and listened to Nate fall asleep, his breathing evening out further until eventually he was out. 

Pax didn’t fall asleep, at least not for a long time. Instead he just stayed there, listened to Nate breathe and tried not to dream.


	13. The Shattering of Illusions Can Have both Positive and Negative Effects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some blood and a lot of emotions in this one.

“What are the odds of meeting another ship at random?” Pax wondered out loud. “They can’t be that high. Maybe we’ve been cursed by some sort of luck-squid.” 

“There’s no such thing as a luck-squid.” Nate muttered, peering through his spyglass at the approaching ship that Leftie had spotted coming from the north east. 

“Well, it goes without saying that I’ve a greater knowledge of nautical mythologies than you.” Pax said, rocking on the balls of his feet. “So I think we’ll go with my take on this one.” 

“We all love you just the way you are, Pax.” The captain said from Nate’s other side, arms crossed as she watched the other ship. “But we’d love you a little more if you were a little quieter.”

“I’d think you would know by now that’s a losing battle, Captain.” Pax smiled, trying to hide his impatience. “Well? Nate? Are you actually learning things by looking through that or are you just pretending you know what you’re doing like usual?”

Making a little noise, Nate handed off the spyglass to Natalie. “Navy.” He said. 

“Hm.” Natalie lifted it to her own eye. “That’s better than pirates, at least. Hopefully.”

Pax frowned, both because he agreed with the worry behind the comment and because he wasn’t sure why Natalie also felt that way. “You don’t like the navy?”

“I don’t like when the navy decides to board and inspect my ship to make sure I’m not a smuggler.” Natalie said shortly.

Pax nodded. That made sense, he supposed. He wouldn’t like it much either if people were constantly questioning his story and intentions. Oh, wait. 

“Which navy?”

The captain gave him a look before glancing through the spyglass again. “Kyainese. The triple sail is pretty distinctive.” 

Given that there were only two navies that would use this ocean and that they were still more south than north, Pax had figured that was the most likely answer. Kyaine was the southernmost nation on the continent. 

Bright Harbour was one of its largest ports.

Pax sighed. “Let me guess—there’s no chance they’re not headed this way?”

“You running from the Kyainese navy, Pax?”

“Of course not, Captain.” Pax smiled. “Just thinking I should go down at get a cask of wine from the hold. We can pretend we’re living in the civilized world while we have guests. It will be fun.” 

Natalie just looked at him for a long minute, and Pax held her gaze gamely, ignoring Nate, who he knew he wouldn’t be able to do the same with. “Fine.” She finally said. “Do that, then.” Pax nodded and scurried off before anyone could say anything. 

Setting up the civilized reception of guests took long enough that Pax was able to avoid Nate’s concerned glances for the whole time it took the navy vessel to draw even with them, and by the time a plank was being raised between the navy ship and the _Sparkling Wind_ , he had a nice little table pulled out from the captain’s quarters and two tacky silver goblets at the ready. 

Pax stood back a little from Natalie and Nate as they met the navy people at the plank. “Well met.” Natalie said to the man who’d come across first. “What can I do to help the navy today?”

“Captain, it’s standard procedure to inspect the papers of all ships passing through these waters.” The sailor said to her. “If you’ll grant us passage to your vessel.”

Natalie held his gaze for just a moment and Pax felt a second-hand triumph at how the sailor wilted just a little, because it wasn’t standard procedure to inspect ships and they all knew it. “Of course.” Natalie said, waving to the ship. “I’ve had a cask of wine brought up from the hold for your captain and I while you do that. I insist.” She added with a smile, when the sailor started to decline. Looking a little thrown, he retreated across the plank and went to go find his captain. 

“Well played, Captain.” Pax muttered, though she couldn’t hear him. Letting them set the terms would have been a bad idea. The navy captain was probably too pompous and self-important to want to have wine with the captain of a trading vessel, but if he had any sense at all he’d see that declining the invitation would make his crew’s lives very difficult while they were onboard Natalie’s ship. 

She had a good sense for what passed for politics out here, Pax thought. She’d doubtless had a lot of experience, but he wondered if there was more to it than that. 

There was some activity from the navy ship a moment later and Pax figured the captain was coming over. Sure enough, a moment later there was a horn (honestly) and some saluting soldiers and a youngish man with wavy golden hair (which Pax thought looked stupid) crossed the plank. “Permission to come aboard, Captain?” He asked, and it was clear he was being sarcastic. 

Pax bit his lip and edged himself behind Peak on the deck, because of course it had to be the one Kyainese captain who would recognize his face. And Captain Kevin Brightstream was not someone who had been particularly friendly to Pax in the past. 

“Granted, Captain.” Natalie said graciously, waving to her table. Several sailors followed Kevin onto the ship. “My first mate will supervise your people’s inspection of our papers and cargo. Meanwhile, I’ve had my cabin boy lay out some wine for us.”

Pax kind of wished he had the foresight to poison the wine now. Though he liked Natalie a bit much for that. Maybe he should have poisoned one of the cups. 

“Your hospitality is greatly appreciated, Captain.” Kevin said, and followed Natalie over to the table.

Natalie frowned, looking around the deck. And Pax remembered that he was supposed to be pouring the wine. “Pax, where did you get to?”

“No, don’t.” Pax said quietly, but Peak moved aside to reveal him to the two captains. “Fuck.”

“Thief!” Kevin’s voice rang high through the air as he pointed at Pax in clear surprise. “Captain, what is this thief doing aboard your vessel?”

“None of my crew are thieves, Captain.” Natalie said, a tone of warning in her voice. 

“You’re mistaken—that boy has stolen from me personally on multiple occasions. Soldiers, seize him!”

“Shit.” Pax darted between the crew members, mindful of the fact that Kevin’s sailors were shoving people aside to follow the order, and since Pax was the most logical of all people, he took what was clear to him as the only logical path out of this unfortunate situation. 

Pax leapt over the rail of the ship and dove into the ocean. 

This immediately proved to be possibly the best idea Pax had had in a while, as the ship was throwing up all sorts of foam and spray that would effectively hide Pax from prying eyes. Especially since he almost immediately found himself pulled under the Sparkling Wind entirely.

Pax wasn’t all that interested in drowning, so he scampered along the bottom of the ship as fast as he could, blocking out the pain as he cut his hands and feet on the barnacles encrusted there, seeking a way up. He could probably hold his breath for longer than normal people, though he’d never actually counted to make sure, but even he would eventually run out of air and Pax started to fear that might happen before he found the back of the ship and he surface again.

Fortunately, just as the world started to go black he came free of the ship and his head was able to break the surface. Treading water, Pax took several deep breaths and tried to pretend that no sharks lived anywhere in the ocean that might want to eat him with all the blood he was leaking out into the water. 

Once he’d recovered from the immediate panic, Pax clumsily reached into his shirt and pulled out two knives, stuck them into the hull of the ship and pulled himself up. This had been easier in the autumn when he’d been wearing boots, but he kept at it until his body was out of the water entirely. He hung there, low, letting the spray and foam hit him, watching what he could see of the navy vessel out of the corner of his eye. 

He was shivering and his hands and feet were losing feeling, but Pax held on for what must have been an hour, the usual wheels that turned constantly in his head at a near halt. He would have thought he’d be shaken by the sudden appearance of someone who knew him, at least a little, by the sudden shattering of whatever security he’d been pretending to have here. But instead he was just calm, because Pax knew what he had to do. 

He had to leave the _Sparkling Wind_ when they got to White Cape. That had always been the plan. And he’d been stuck in his own head with not wanting to do that for stupid sentimentality. But the shock of discovery or the sting of saltwater in his cuts had woken him up from that. 

For nearly an hour Pax hung there, until finally the navy vessel started to move away and disappear from his vision. Pax counted to five hundred before painstakingly climbing up the side of the ship, arms and legs protesting. Pax’s arms and legs weren’t the boss of him though, and he ignored them and climbed some more until he made it to the railing, just managing to land on his bloodied feet when he hit the deck. Pax sighed, clearing his head again, putting his knives away, and trotted across the ship to the fore deck. 

The captain and Nate had their backs to him as they watched Kevin’s ship move off further into the distance. Pax approached them quietly. 

“You’re dripping water all over my ship.” Natalie said, without turning around. 

“You can try to sound all impressive by magically knowing I was there, but I know for a fact you often talk into empty spaces just in case there’s someone in them.” Pax said. “You’ve probably been standing there saying that for the past ten minutes just so you could feel superior.” 

“Pax…” Nate did turn around, and his eyes went wide almost immediately. “You’re bleeding!”

“Thanks, I hadn’t noticed.” Pax was actually more aware of the fact that his wet clothes were clinging to his body very tightly, but he was too tired to be more than nominally embarrassed by that. “There are rather a lot of sharp barnacles on the bottom of the ship; you really ought to have them removed so that those of us who occasionally find need to climb up the side don’t end up dying from blood loss. Not that I’ll die from blood loss anyway; the clan I’m from all has far too much blood and frankly bleeding is a good thing otherwise we’d all suffocate in it.”

“Shut up, Pax. What were you thinking? You _jumped off the ship!_ ” Nate had crossed the distance between them had taken hold of Pax’s shoulders now, as if to reassure himself that Pax was actually standing there. 

“I know, I was there. It seemed the most prudent course of action.” 

“How stupid are you?” Nate asked, squeezing Pax’s shoulders. “You could have died! In fact, your friend there thought you did.”

“Which I assume was the idea.” Natalie added, coming over to stand behind Nate and crossing her arms. “Those of us who have had more experience with you knew better. I told him he was wrong and that you hadn’t stolen anything from him. He seemed pretty convinced you had. Did you?”

“Captain, we can do this later. Pax needs to be bandaged up.”

“He’s been bleeding for an hour, he can bleed for a few more minutes.” Natalie said, looking down at Pax. “Did you steal from him?”

“Yes, but only about…six or seven times.” Pax shrugged, trying not to wince as the movement agitated his sliced feet. “You make it sound like a bad thing. I was showing him some major flaws in his security and helping him get over his attachment to material possessions. Besides, he’s a terrible person and has stupid hair.” 

“He’s the reason you had to stow away to get out of Bright Harbour.” 

Pax scowled. “Possibly.” He hadn’t even been in Bright Harbour to steal anything from Kevin, that had just sort of happened. Pax’s poor impulse control was to blame for all of this, for which Pax blamed whoever his parents were for contributing bad genetic material. “He’s quite vindictive considering all that was missing was some family heirlooms and all of his silverware.” He swayed just slightly, a little dizzy.

Natalie continued to hold Pax’s gaze. “Why are you going to White Cape, Pax?”

“Whoever said I was going to White Cape?”

“Okay, that’s enough.” Nate steadied Pax, glanced at the captain. “He’s going to pass out. He needs to be bandaged up.”

“What did you steal, Pax?”

“Mom.” Nate said, voice ringing with an authority Pax didn’t often hear from him. “I’m taking him to my cabin. We can do this later.” 

Natalie got into a little staring contest with Nate this time and Pax was internally grateful that he wasn’t part of it, and eventually she nodded. “Fine.” Nate nodded back and gathered Pax up, ushering him away, when she spoke again. “Pax. I’m disappointed that you didn’t think I’d protect a member of my crew.” 

And that hurt more than any of the cuts he’d suffered. _I’m not a member of her crew._ Pax reminded himself as Nate moved him at a hobble to his cabin. 

Once the door was closed behind them Nate sat Pax down on the bed. “You’re all wet. Take off your clothes before you freeze.” He started looking for something in the mess. 

“I appreciate the sentiment, Nate, but I’m not really up for…”

“No bullshit, Pax.” Nate said, still using that voice of authority. “I’m not in the mood." He came up with some of those long scarves of his and stood there while Pax, a little surprised, obediently undressed and put his wet clothes aside. Only then did Nate kneel down and take Pax’s feet to start binding up the cuts. Pax shivered and wrapped a blanket around himself. “I can’t believe you did that.” Nate said quietly, and Pax noticed that his hands were shaking. “You could have died.”

“I wouldn’t have died.” Pax muttered. “Some of my best friends are dolphins, they would have helped me.”

“Shut up.” Nate snapped. “I told you no bullshit. You could have _died_ , Pax. What the hell were you thinking?” 

Equal parts embarrassed and annoyed at Nate’s tone, Pax scowled. “I was thinking that I probably wouldn’t die.” 

“Probably? You’d risk your life on probably?” 

“I could have a stroke in my sleep and die, Nate.” Pax said irritably. This wasn’t as big a deal as Nate was making it. “A storm could sink the ship tomorrow. We might have missed one of those eggs and a centipede’s going to burrow through my stomach. I could trip and crack my skull open. Sometimes people die, Nate. I can’t live my life not doing anything out of fear that I might.” 

“You also don’t need to go out of your way to put yourself in danger!” Nate said, and Pax jumped at the volume. “If you’re doing to die I’d rather it were an actual accident than because you with all your huge intellect couldn’t think of a better solution than suicide!” He tied the wrap on Pax’s foot with more force than Pax thought necessary and moved to the other foot. “What do you think I would have done if you _had_ died?”

“That isn’t my problem, Nate.” Pax said, knowing it was wrong and feeling bad. But he had to say it. Nate had to understand. “What you do isn’t my responsibility, it’s yours.” 

Nate looked up at Pax, and Pax saw the hurt in his eyes and looked away. “Besides, if nothing else I think I’ve proven that I’m capable of handling myself. Why would you have even thought that I wouldn’t be okay?” 

“You call this okay?” Nate tightened the second wrap and took one of Pax’s hands. “It doesn’t matter how skilled you are. You can’t just assume you can survive the ocean like that.” 

“I’m not going to be outsmarted by the ocean.” 

“It doesn’t need to outsmart you. It’s older and stronger than you. The ocean always wins, Pax.”

“I should hope so, with it being a hundred trillion tonnes of water.” Pax muttered. “It would be a bit of a let-down if it didn’t.” 

“I just don’t understand.” Nate sighed. “I just don’t…you were so calm and put together on the island. Where in the world was that? You couldn’t have paused for half a second to think of a better way? Mom would have protected you. _I_ would have protected you, Pax.” 

“I panicked, Nate.” Pax felt his colour rise, embarrassment taking over now—but being embarrassed just made him mad again. “I’m sorry. I can’t always think of everything. I’m just not that smart, Nate. So I panicked, and it seemed like the only option at the time because I _wasn’t_ thinking. Am I not allowed to get scared?”

“Scared of what?”

“Don’t you think that there’s a reason that I’ve never told you why I need to get to White Cape? Why I’ve hardly told you anything that was true? Maybe I like that none of you know who I am. So yeah. When someone who does know showed up, it scared me. I’m sorry if that disappoints you.”

Nate finished with Pax’s hands and got up to find Pax some new clothes, setting them in his lap before sitting beside him on the cot. “I don’t care if you’re a thief, Pax. I kind of assumed you were anyway.” 

Pax just snorted. Great, so he wasn’t even good at hiding it. 

They just sat there on the cot for several minutes, looking at the floor. Pax still felt dizzy and wanted to lay down for a bit, but his hands did feel a little better now that the wounds weren’t open to the air at least. “I’m leaving.” Pax said finally. “When we get to White Cape I’m leaving the ship.” 

“I know.” Nate kept looking at the floor. “I wish you wouldn’t.” 

“I have to.” 

“I know. That’s why I’m not tying you to the bed to stop you.” 

“Seems excessive.” Pax muttered. “Besides, there aren’t any knots in the world I can’t get out of, so it’s a failed effort anyway.” 

Nate laughed, put his arm around Pax. “I wish you’d tell me why.”

“I can’t.” Pax fell silent again. He almost told Nate that people would kill him if they knew he knew, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “I’m sorry.” He said instead. “For scaring you. I fucked up. It’s kind of my thing.”

“It is not.” Nate shook his head. “It’s not.”

“I’m really good at hiding it, that’s all. You really haven’t known me that long.” 

“I love you.” Nate said it in such a calm, even tone. 

Pax flinched as if he’d been hit with something. And looked down at the floor again. “I…” He fell silent for a minute, holding together his resolve with everything he had as it threatened to crack into tiny pieces. “I wish you hadn’t said that.” He whispered, trying to reject any tears that might be welling forth. “It’s such an obvious attempt to manipulate me into staying and I don’t appreciate it.” 

“It’s not. I’m telling you because I’m worried that you’re going to disappear before I can.” 

Pax sniffed, tears falling now, and leaned in to put his head on Nate’s shoulder. “I’m really tired.”

“That’s the blood loss.” Nate said quietly. 

“No it isn’t.” Pax shook his head. “No it’s not. I’m really tired, Nate. I’m so tired.” 

“Go to sleep.” Nate said, easing down onto his back. Pax could already feel himself drifting off, and that _was_ the blood loss. “You need to rest.”

“You can’t stay here with me, Nate.” Pax said as Nate lay down beside him. “You have work to do on the ship.”

“I have something important to do here too.” He said, wrapping his arms around Pax. 

Pax nodded and might well have said something in response, but when he woke up all he remembered was how warm Nate had felt.


	14. Goodbye Is the Hardest Truth to Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoooo boy. Welcome aboard the Sadness Express; I'm Penguin and I'll be your conductor for this little jaunt.

“The fuck.” 

Pax concurred with Natalie’s eloquent comment. They had reached White Cape, at long last, and despite the part of him that wanted to hide under the deck and sulk, Pax had come above to witness the final step of his grand journey, the next chapter in his checkered life, et cetera. 

As they’d pulled around the rocky shoreline and brought White Cape’s harbour into view, Pax had half been hoping that it somehow mysteriously would not be there. But not only was it there, so was all of the winter ice that clogged up the harbour. Huge chunks of white were visible from nearly from where they were to the harbourfront, and it was clear that the _Sparkling Wind_ wasn’t getting any closer than this. At least half a dozen ships were locked deeper in the ice and clearly had been for a while. The dumb shits Nate had mentioned to him months ago, Pax figured. 

“Maybe Nate misread all the charts and it’s still the dead of winter.” Pax suggested. “I told you it wasn’t a good idea to let him have responsibilities.” 

“No, that’s not it.” The captain scowled at the ice. “It’s definitely the middle of spring. It must have been a really long winter.” 

“If you try to say we should have spent more time in the tropics I’m going to start reminding you about centipedes and sand and sunburns.” 

“Pax, I would live in the tropics all year if I could.”

“On this we will have to disagree.” Pax said in a dignified fashion. “But only because you are wrong. Otherwise I would never be so disagreeable. I’m generally a very agreeable person.”

“Go get Nate.”

“Aye, Cap’n.” Pax said, scurrying off as she gave him a look. 

Nate wasn’t hard to find, because he was simple and predicable but also because Pax had seen him go into his cabin a little while ago. Pax went up to the door, knocked like a civilized person. “Nate?” He called. 

There was no answer, so Pax called again and got a second silence. “I’m coming in.” He said, doing so. 

Nate was sleeping, but he’d only taken off his shirt, so that was a plus. Pax gently put a hand on his shoulder. “Nate.” He said. “The captain is looking for you. Wake up.”

“I’m not sleeping.” He mumbled.

“Yes, you are.” Pax told him. “Because I’ve deduced that you are, which means you are because even if you weren’t as soon as I knew it to be true it became such. Now’s probably the time for me to tell you that I’m actually a reality-altering eggplant, given human form because my powers in my true form were such that the fabric of the cosmos was tearing apart, so in consultation with a mystical elephant, I…”

“Okay, okay.” Nate sat, smiling. “I was asleep.”

“Why do you always interrupt when I get to the elephant?”

Nate leaned forward and kissed Pax on the mouth. “The captain is looking for me?”

Pax nodded, smiling a little stupidly in that way that Nate’s kisses made him want to smile. “We’re at White Cape.” He didn’t miss the way Nate’s expression fell at that. “The harbour is still full of ice. I think she wants you to get off the ship and push it through.” 

The small widening of Nate’s eyes was hard to miss as well. “We can’t get into the harbour?” He stood, holding Pax so he wouldn’t stumble back a step, then heading to the door without bothering to put on a shirt. 

Pax wished he would put one on, if only because he got this bizarre possessive feeling when other people saw Nate in states of undress. Pax was very good at not being possessive and in fact hardly had any possessions, so it was unnerving to feel annoyed when someone else got to see Nate’s chest. Or touch Nate. Or do most things involving Nate.

Shutting down that train of thought and stepping out onto the deck after Nate, Pax followed him to the foredeck. He tried not to look over the port rail at White Cape. He’d be there soon enough and he’d be able to see more of White Cape than he ever wanted to see. 

The wind was up and blowing them north at a decent speed. Which was fine except that Pax thought if there was that much ice visible in the harbour, there was probably some under the water as well and it might be prudent to…

The ship lurched all of the sudden, and Pax grabbed onto Nate, who also lost his footing and both of them fell to the ground in a pile. “Nate, I feel you should have better footing than this.” He muttered as they helped each other up.

“We’re not moving.” Nate said, mostly to himself.

He was right, Pax realized. The steady rise and fall of the ship that was a constant in their lives had stopped. “We’re stuck.”

“Down the sail!” Natalie yelled from the helm. “I don’t want the damn wind snapping the mast!” 

The mast didn’t look in danger of snapping to Pax when he looked, but the crew was moving to the rigging lines to furl the sail. Because he was standing near one, Pax helped Delia and Leftie with the heavy rope, and after a few minutes the sail was no longer spread out to catch the wind. 

Nate nodded at the crew’s work and headed to the helm to stand beside Natalie. Pax went with them. “There must be more ice just subsurface.” Natalie was saying. “The wind picked up out of nowhere and blew us right onto it.”

“It must be melting.” Nate said. “I can’t imagine we’ll be here for long.” 

“Still.” Natalie was annoyed, Pax could see. He didn’t blame her. “Send crews down to make sure there’s no damage to the hull.” Nate nodded and called some orders out. Pax scowled over the rail at the ice. “You don’t get this crap in the tropics.” Natalie said to him.

“Centipedes. Sand. Sunburn. And jungles, but that isn’t alliterative. Though I guess centipedes technically aren’t either.” Pax muttered, though she was right. The fact that the _Sparkling Wind_ wasn’t moving was…oddly upsetting. Not because it meant he couldn’t get to White Cape, but because it was supposed to be moving. That it wasn’t was wrong, unnatural. “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing we can do.” Nate shrugged.

Natalie nodded, though she still looked unhappy. “We’ll bring up the rest of the wine from the hold. May as well get drunk since there’s nothing better to do.”

“I’m starting to think gestures like this are the reason why the crew is so loyal to you.” Pax said, eyeing her suspiciously. 

“It’s all part of leadership, kid.” Natalie smiled at him. “Go get the wine.” 

“Aye, sir.” 

Nate followed him down into the hold. When they were alone he wrapped his arms around Pax from behind, rocking from side to side for a minute. “Looks like I’m stuck with you for a few more days.” He said, kissing the back of Pax’s neck.

“You don’t know that.” Pax said, forcing a smile. “Maybe a benevolent ice god will clear a path for us in the morning.”

Pax couldn’t stay any longer. Not with White Cape in sight. 

“If there were ever ice gods, they weren’t benevolent.” Nate said, still smiling into Pax’s shoulder. 

“I still have to leave, Nate.”

“I know. That’s why I’m happy for this, at least.” 

Pax sighed. “Okay.” He let Nate hold him like that for several minutes, their gentle rocking making up for the stillness of the ship. “I’m going to miss you.” He said after a bit.

“Shh.” Nate said softly. “Not today. We’ll be sad when it’s time for you to leave.” 

“No.” Pax shook his head, suddenly overwhelmed. “I can’t. I want to be sad now, Nate.” Tears sprang. “I’ve been pretending not to be sad for weeks and I can’t anymore. I want to be sad because I’m going to miss you and I…wanted to make sure I told you that before I leave.” 

“Alright.” Nate spun Pax around and held him against his chest. Pax didn’t dare hold back because he knew he wouldn’t want to let go. “I’m going to miss you too. I love you, Pax.”

“I wish you’d stop saying that.” 

“It’s true.” 

“I know.” Pax said, and then he started crying for real, because he did know. Because Nate wouldn’t make that up. “I’m sorry, Nate. I wish I could…”

“No.” Nate said, shushing him again. “Don’t. It’s okay, Pax. I understand.” 

“I don’t.” But Pax buried his face in Nate’s shoulder, let Nate hold him and rock him from side to side for a long while until he was done crying. Until they were both done crying.

“Okay.” Pax said, pulling back after some time. He wiped at his eyes. 

“Ready to pretend not to be sad again?” 

Pax nodded. “Are you?”

Nate nodded back. 

“Okay. Wine.” Pax went about gathering up the casks. He made Nate carry the heavy ones and soon they were ready for a lot of celebratory drinking. 

It was a nice afternoon, and evening. Pax sat with his back to White Harbour, enjoying sitting with Nate and the captain and the rest of the crew. His friends, he realized with a pang. He only had one cup of wine, but used the lowered inhibitions from that as an excuse to sit in Nate’s lap for most of the night, and only minded the light ribbing of the rest of the crew a little bit. 

At the end of the evening Nate tried to pick Pax up and carry him to bed, but he’d had a lot more than one cup and couldn’t manage it, so Pax walked, holding Nate’s hand. “Goodnight, everyone.” He said. 

Natalie caught his eyes, and for a minute their gazes locked. “Goodnight, Captain.”

She knew, Pax saw in that moment. She gave him a soft smile. “Goodnight, Pax.” 

Pax had to look away, and took Nate by the hand and led him to their—to Nate’s—cabin. “Going to kiss you.” Nate said, as Pax laid him down on the bed. 

“You’re a little drunk.”

“Just a little.” Nate agreed, leaning in to kiss Pax. Pax kissed him back for a second before pulling away, gently guiding Nate down onto the bed. “You’re not drunk.”

“I don’t hold liquor well and some of us get up at sunrise.” Pax muttered, getting Nate under the blanket. He yelped a little when Nate grabbed him and held him close. “Nate.”

“Going to hold on to you.” Nate said. “I’m worried you’re going to disappear on me.”

Pax didn’t say anything to that.

“See, usually you spend ten minutes denying everything. Now I’m really worried.”

“Don’t be worried.” Pax muttered, letting Nate hold on to him. He didn’t hold back. 

“I’m not falling asleep until you do.” Nate said, clearly sleepy. 

“Fine, Nate.” Pax smiled sadly to himself, glad Nate couldn’t see his face. 

“I love you.”

“Please stop saying that.” Pax pleaded quietly. 

“Goodnight Pax.”

“Goodnight, Nate. I had fun.”

“Me too.” 

Pax relaxed, letting his consciousness drift away. 

Only to wake up again an hour later when Nate shifted in his sleep. Pax was too light a sleeper to sleep curled up against Nate like this, and Nate had yet to figure that out. Gently, Pax manouvered himself out from Nate’s grip, sitting on the side of the cot. He glanced at Nate once and then got up, undressing in the dark and finding all of his old clothes that Nate had hidden. His long-sleeved shirt, heavy pants, his boots. A little light because he was missing so many knives, but all dark enough to make him hard to see in the night.

“Mm, Pax…” Despite his better judgement, Pax turned. Nate had moved a little, but was still asleep. Pax came over, moving silently even in his boots. There was a little shaft of moonlight coming in from a crack between the door and the frame that illuminated Nate’s sleeping face. “I love you.”

Pax even cried quietly. “I’m so sorry.” He whispered. Bending down, he hesitated in touching Nate, but kissed him lightly on the mouth. “Goodbye.” 

And that was it. That had to be it. He had to go. Pax turned and left the cabin without a second look, opening and shutting the door quietly. 

The crew had mostly gone to bed, those who hadn’t too drunk or absorbed in one another to notice him. Pax walked along the port railing until he was in a good spot, looking out at White Cape. Lights were lit on the ships that were stuck in the ice, lighting the way nicely. The brighter lights of White Cape provided the end of the path. 

He had to go. He had to go now. If he waited a few more days for the ice to break up he’d never leave and he knew it. 

Taking out two knives, Pax threw a leg over the rail and went about carefully climbing down. It looked for all the world like the ship was on water, but if it was stuck on ice the sea couldn’t be that deep. 

It wasn’t. The water didn’t even come up to Pax’s knees and it was ten paces for him to wade out of it and onto solid ice that bore his weight easily. 

The _Sparkling Wind_ was behind him. It was a fair distance from here to White Cape, but Pax figured he could make it well before dawn. Taking a breath, he took the first step, and then the next, and the next. He could feel the cold of the ice through his soaked boots, but he kept moving. 

The ship was behind him. Pax kept it there, not looking back. He took another step, then another. Then he broke into a run, tears flying behind him. 

He didn’t look back, no matter how much he wanted to. He ran, faster than he should have on the treacherous ice, all but blind between the dark and his tears. He ran until his legs hurt, until his chest hurt, until he didn’t think he could move, and he kept running, all the way to White Cape. 

And Pax didn’t look back, not even once.


	15. Positive Changes Are the Hardest Ones to Make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The upside to the Sadness Train is that we're going to learn things about Pax during the ride.

White Cape was built on an incline rising up from the still-frozen harbour. Because of that, it was possible to see the harbour by looking west from nearly anywhere in the city. 

Pax made a concerted effort not to turn his gaze to the west as he walked down a curved avenue of old cobblestones, trying not to walk funny. After months at sea he was actually having trouble adjusting to moving about on land again and it was very frustrating to have people think he was drunk all the time. 

He reached an inn called the _Whale’s Eye_ and went inside with a sigh. The building had originally been the hull of a ship that had been decommissioned and dragged up the hill to be turned into a tavern for some bizarre reason. Of course, it had been made larger to accommodate a crowd, but Pax could still see signs of what it had once been. 

He tried to pretend it wasn’t a comforting atmosphere as he went to a table near the back and sat, ordering supper from the serving boy but nothing to drink. 

Four days, he’d been coming here. This was where he was supposed to meet Roberta, his contact here in White Cape, and she hadn’t shown. Probably because of how long it had taken him, but he was starting to worry about what was going to happen if she didn’t appear. If she didn’t meet him, then all of this was going to have been for nothing and Pax didn’t think he could handle that. 

The meal was lobster soup, though it tasted more of barley than lobster, and bread that was awfully hard for being supposedly fresh. Pax dipped the bread in the soup to soften it and ate, listening passively to the room around him. 

“They say it might be a few more weeks before the ice breaks up enough to sail again.” Someone was grumbling at another table. Pax already knew that, it was all anyone wanted to talk about. He wished they would all shut up about the stupid harbour. He tuned that person out and tried to find someone more interesting to eavesdrop on. 

“They say the winter was caused by a crazy wizard or something.” Someone else was saying. That sounded implausible to Pax. “Aria Hammertooth went to go kill him.” 

“I saw her when I was in Merket last week.” That person’s tablemate said. “A friend of hers got arrested for kidnapping Prince Gavin.”

“A dragon kidnapped Gavin, dumbass.” 

“I haven’t seen your mother lately, now you mention it.” 

Pax tuned them out as well and tried someone else. “…Even the priests can’t keep a handle on them anymore.” A tired-sounding woman was complaining. “Going around everywhere insisting that the messiah is born. I’m not saying they can’t believe that, but do they have to be so loud about it when people are trying to work? I swear.”

“Pax?” 

Pax looked up from his empty bowl at the quiet voice. Standing there and looking at him as if seeing a ghost was a tall girl about his age with long, flaxen-looking hair and a smattering of freckles around her nose. “Holy shit, you’re here.” She said it as though she were unsure.

“I’ve been waiting for you for four days.” Pax said, just as quietly. He hadn’t noticed her come in. “We’re going to need to have a talk about your dedication to the cause.” 

“And I’ve been waiting for you for _six months!_ ” Roberta snapped, sitting down at his table and flagging down the serving boy to order some soup. Pax ordered another bowl as well. When he was gone, she said. “What the hell happened to you, Pax?” She was twirling one of the heavy rings on her left hand as she looked him over. 

“I got a little waylaid.” Pax muttered. “Weird word, ‘waylaid.’ To be laid by the way. I wonder who thought that made sense. This was a stupid plan. You can tell it was stupid because it wasn’t my plan and all plans that aren’t my plans are stupid.” 

“It was the boss’s plan.”

“The boss is stupid.” 

“I’ll tell him you said that.”

“No, you won’t.” Pax sighed. “I just…shipping the stone separately was ridiculous. I could have kept it on me and we would have arrived at the same time, you wouldn’t have had to hang around in White Cape forever. It seems to me that separating us increases the risk.” 

“The boss didn’t see it that way. Maybe it was the client’s request.” 

“Maybe the client is stupid.” Pax shot back. “Anyway.”

“You still haven’t said what actually happened to you.”

“I got waylaid, I told you. I had to leave Bright Harbour just a little more quickly than planned and ended up stowing away on a trader that was headed for White Cape. They just…went a few other places first, is all.”

Roberta looked at Pax for a minute before shaking her head slowly, looking away. “Only you. Pax, only to you would this happen. You’re such a fuck-up, I swear I don’t know how you dress yourself.” 

Pax put on a smile and pretended his stomach didn’t clench at that as the serving boy brought their bowls and took Pax’s old one away. He started in on the soup, reflecting again that it wasn’t very good. “Do you have the stone or not?” He asked instead of addressing that. 

That she didn’t answer right away was answer enough for Pax. He looked up at her, trying not to look accusatory. “Roberta?” 

“Of course I don’t have it.” 

“Not because you’re keeping it in a safe somewhere where nobody can get to it.” Pax said. “Because you sold it. Not to the original client.” 

“You were gone for months, Pax.” Roberta said, looking away. “We thought you were dead. So when the boss got a better offer…”

“He told the original client I was dead and that the stone was at the bottom of the ocean with me.” Pax snorted. “And how did the new client know we had the stone in the first place, I wonder?”

“Be careful what you imply, Pax.” Roberta said, a sharpness to her tone. “This wouldn’t have happened if you’d done your job properly.”

Pax held her gaze for a minute before looking away. “Who’d you sell it to?”

“Pax.”

“Roberta.”

She sighed. “Some rich asshole in Merket. Um…Philip something, was his name.” 

“Alright.” Pax shoved his empty bowl away, stood from the table. “Thanks. See you later, Roberta.”

“Pax, don’t do anything stupid.”

“It’s a little late, but I still intend to do my job properly, Roberta. I was hired to take that stone and get it to the client. The original client. If I have to steal it from someone else to accomplish that, that’s just part of the job.” 

“The original client was told you died.”

“Then won’t he be surprised when I show up at his door.” Pax said. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him we lied to him. Just that Dominic was mistaken and I was later getting in than I expected. He won’t know the difference.” 

“Let’s get in touch with him, find out what he wants us to do.”

“You can do that if you want.” Pax said. The ground under his feet felt like it was moving. “I’m going to Merket.”

“You going to walk out on us, then?” 

Pax shrugged. “Dominic’s already written me off. He’s not going to miss me any more than he already does.” If he missed Pax at all, that was. 

“I’d miss you.”

“You could come with me.” And Pax smiled sadly, because he knew she wouldn’t and she did too. 

“We owe him our lives.”

“It’s been made clear to me for years that my life isn’t worth much. I think I’ve more than paid him back.”

“You’re making a mistake, Patrick.” Roberta stood as well. There were people looking at them now. “You need to come with me and rest, take a few days to get used to being back where you belong. Don’t throw everything out the window because you’re mad about…”

“I’m not, Roberta.” Pax said, shaking his head. He should have felt more conflicted about this. She was right—this was his entire life he was giving up on. But it was also the first decision Pax had made in recent months that he knew without a doubt was _right._ “I’m not mad, that’s how I know. I’m just tired, and…” He shook his head again. “I love you, Roberta. And when you see Jacob tell him I love him too. But I can’t do it anymore.”

“You’re being selfish.”

Pax shrugged, tears coming to his eyes. “Sorry.” And he stepped away from the table, around her and headed for the door. 

“Pax.” She said as he moved away. He stopped but didn’t turn. “I love you too.”

“I’ll see you again, Roberta.” Pax lied, and he stepped outside into the salty air. 

It was an uphill climb in the dark to the city’s northern gate, but Pax didn’t hesitate. He had everything he needed with him, so there was nothing worth going back for. 

His mind did drift backwards a little, and to the west. He never looked in the direction of the harbour with its ice-locked ships, but he did wonder, errantly, if the people out there would have been proud of what he’d just done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started posting my writing on my hardly-used Tumblr (I am [ underhandedpenguin ](http://underhandedpenguin.tumblr.com) over there). I'm not very good at Tumblr (or the internet generally), but we'll see how that goes. So if reading things and/or talking to people on Tumblr is your thing, have at it I guess.


	16. Absence Might Make the Heart Grow Fonder but it also Hurts Like Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, everyone take a deep breath and repeat after me: "It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay."
> 
> I don't generally get upset at my own writing, but this chapter made me cry.

Pax found that he wasn’t liking Merket as much as he had when he’d been here in the past. It had always been a place where he could be who he was without any particular fear—it was big enough that nobody paid a single person much mind, and shady enough that thieves weren’t uncommon and so even those who did see him didn’t care much. And it had a lot of nice, flat rooftops that made travelling above street level very convenient. 

But now that he could wear black and skulk with impunity, all Pax wanted to be able to do was put on some outlandish colour that didn’t suit him and swagger down the centre of the streets as he made his way around. Like a sailor would. 

It wasn’t like Pax didn’t understand what was going on. He was just choosing not to deal with it because it was too sad. Part of him wanted a ship and the ocean around him again, but he knew he wasn’t going to have that—he wouldn’t be able to do it all over again. It would be too hard not to remember the _Sparkling Wind._

The weather had cleared up substantially and it was clearly nearly summer at this point. Pax figured that the ice in White Cape would have melted and Natalie’s crew was probably off on the next leg of their route, which would take them across the ocean to the western continent for a span, before returning to Bright Harbour in the fall. 

Not that Pax cared. It was something of a relief, really. Knowing they were gone, and out of his reach, where he would never see them again. It made it easier to know that not going back wasn’t his choice—it was impossible for him to go back now. 

It was a relief, Pax told himself as he skulked towards the house that a little recon had told him belonged to a Phillip Goldencrest. That, Pax thought, was a name that money had bought. If he were go to through Phillip’s family history, he knew that after a generation or two he wouldn’t see that surname anywhere. At some point Phillip or someone in his family had been wildly successful at something and had tried to establish a legacy. 

Which was stupid—Pax didn’t understand wanting to leave things behind when you died. Aside from sorting one’s things among their friends and family, why did it matter if someone’s name was on a house or a piece of land? Pax was perfectly happy with the idea that the world by and large would forget him after he died. 

The house was ostentatious and loud, which reinforced Pax’s opinion about it being new money. Older wealth was stately and picturesque, and Phillip’s house was tacky. 

Pax liked houses that were ostentatious and loud. They were easy to break in to. They often had fancy locks or windows that supposedly couldn’t be opened from the outside or similarly new and stupid security, and the owners tended to rely on those and not hire competent security to man the premises. 

He wasn’t here to break in today, just to scout around the perimeter and get an estimate of what kind of tools and preparation he’d need before going in. He couldn’t use most of his usual resources now that he’d told the boss to fuck off, though part of Pax wondered if Roberta had managed to get the message back to him yet. It was possible he would have a few weeks before being cut off, but he wasn’t going to risk it. Either way, Pax had money of his own—he’d never really had much to spend his cut on, so years’ worth of pay was just sitting in the banks—and at least a few sources that he hoped the boss didn’t know about. 

It took Pax fifteen minutes to figure out a plan for entry, but even after he had, he walked a full circle around the property. The house was close enough to the street that passers-by could see it and be impressed with it, which made it easy for him to keep an eye out for footholds, jump points, and strategic cover. There was some decorative ivy on the outer walls that looked appealing to climb, but it was young and the winter had been long and Pax didn’t trust it to hold his weight.

Having finished his circuit, Pax sighed and started trying to decide where the best place would be to watch the house for a while, just so avoid any surprises. The streets weren’t really busy in the rich area of town here, so it made blending in a little hard. 

“Pax.” 

Pax stiffened, first because nobody was supposed to know his name and second because he recognized that voice. He turned his head, glancing in the direction of the voice. 

Nate was a short distance off, moving forward slowly as if Pax were a frozen deer who he was afraid to startle. 

Pax wasn’t frozen. He turned and ran in the opposite direction, ignoring the call of his name from behind him. “Pax, wait!” 

He knew Nate well enough to know he was being followed, and he knew Merket well enough to know that he could count on no help from anyone on the street—not that he would seek it. Pax was a fast runner, but Nate had longer legs than he did and on nearly empty streets like this, Nate would catch him soon enough.

Nate wasn’t supposed to be here, Pax thought as he looked around for handholds to get him off the streets. “Pax!” He led Nate out of the more affluent areas and onto a main street, using some empty barrels out the side of an inn to get himself up onto the roof. Nate wasn’t supposed to be here, Nate was supposed to be on the ship, where the ocean was. There was no ocean here. Why had he come all the way here? How had he known where Pax was?

Nate didn’t follow him onto the rooftops, which was wise, but tried to keep pace with Pax on the street. Pax tried to keep Nate in his peripheral vision but also not see him as he ran, and eventually turned left and watched as Nate veered onto an adjoining street to follow him. Pax took advantage of the distraction to drop between two buildings and move through some alleys instead. 

He had a good view of the street and he saw Nate run by, still calling him. And then he stopped just up the street, looking around and calling his name and generally making a scene. Pax went very quickly from being scared to being angry. Nate was going to get him caught. People were starting to pay attention to him now and…

“Fuck.” Pax swore. Withdrawing a dagger from his shirt, Pax darted out of the alley and ran at Nate.

“Woah.” Nate said as he was grabbed by the arm. Pax didn’t say anything and kept running, pulling him into another alley where, once they were out of sight, he used the momentum to push Nate against a wall behind some crates, Pax put one hand flat to Nate’s chest and his knife at Nate’s throat as he looked sideways out at the street. “Pax…”

“Be quiet.” Pax ordered, pressing the knifepoint into Nate’s skin. He tried to keep his hand from trembling too much, but the rest of him was and since Pax was using his weight to keep Nate pinned to the wall, there was no way he hadn’t noticed. Nate didn’t offer any resistance or try to move at all from where Pax had put him. 

After a full minute of watching the street out of one eye, Pax determined that nobody was of a mind to follow them into the alley and he sighed, stepped back from Nate and let the knife fall. “It looks like nobody’s interested.” He said. 

And he turned and started to walk away from Nate. That was what he had to do. 

“Pax, wait.”

“No.” Pax said, knowing he’d be better off not answering but not able to not engage. This alley led to a much less affluent area than where he’d been before, and widened out after a bit into a proper street of its own, albeit dirtier and closer than the main street they’d come from. There was a whole network of such streets here, run-down houses and shops and apartments, close together and tilting and dirty. There were people around here too, but they ignored Pax and Nate as they went about their lives. 

“I came here to talk to you.”

“How in the world did you even know I was here?” Pax asked, turning right at random and heading down a different street. He needed Nate to go away, Nate wasn’t supposed to be here, that part of Pax’s life was over, it had to be over. 

“I figured that staying in White Cape was too obvious.” Nate said. “So I asked after your description at the gates and the guard had seen you. I’ve been asking around at inns and places. Nobody in this city is very helpful, but I figured you’re here to steal something so you must have been in the rich part of town, so…”

“You’re doing entirely too much figuring.” Pax grumbled, angry that he was apparently that predictable. “Don’t give people my description. Unless you’re trying to get me arrested, which given the scene you just caused, maybe you are.” 

“I’m not.” Nate said, lengthening his stride and putting a hand on Pax’s arm.

Pax poked him with his knife. “Don’t touch me.” It stuck in his throat, but he said it anyway.

The hand pulled back. “I’m not trying to stop you from doing anything.” Nate insisted. “I just…” 

“Why are you even here?” Pax demanded, turning right again and stepping around some loose chickens that were pecking at the road. “Did you abandon the ship?” 

“Shore leave.” Nate said. “I haven’t taken any in years, so the captain couldn’t say no.”

“She could have if she tried.” Pax sighed. “If you’re on shore leave, go to the shore. There’s no shore here. Go back to White Cape.” Nate needed to go back to White Cape, to the ship. It wasn’t just that Pax didn’t want him here. He was supposed to be with the ship. That Nate wasn’t with the ship was wrong, and when things were wrong, bad things happened, and something bad was going to happen to the ship or to Nate because he wasn’t there, and…

Pax made himself not think like that. “I will.” Nate said as Pax approached some sturdy-looking lattice and climbed up to the roof. Nate followed him, but Pax only crossed that one building before jumping back down into the street, landing in a gross puddle. “After I finish talking to you.”

“You’re finished talking to me.” Pax said. “I’m working. I don’t have time to entertain you.” It hurt, it hurt Pax to talk this way to Nate. But he had to. He needed Nate to leave him alone, to stop following him. 

“You’re going to break into that house back there, aren’t you? Is that why you came here?”

“That’s an unexpected detour.” Pax shook his head. “All the way here to break into one house. There’re houses everywhere, Nate.” He wished he could stop shaking, at least. He wished he could stop feeling like he was about to cry. 

“Pax.” Nate grabbed his arm again and before Pax could react Nate spun him around. Pax brought his arm up on reflex and put his knife to Nate’s throat again, looking Nate in the eye. His shaking increased, his breath felt short, and now he could feel tears collecting in his eyes. “Put the knife down.”

“No.” Pax shook his head. “I can’t, Nate. Leave me alone. Please.”

“You left without saying goodbye.” 

He hadn’t, actually, but Nate had been asleep. But the pain in Nate’s voice made him hurt all the more. “I had to go.” 

“I know you did. You could have waited until the morning, you could have…”

“I was just using you, Nate.” Pax interrupted, taking a step back. “You, and the ship and the captain and the crew and everything. I was just using you to get what I needed. I never cared about you, any of you.” A sob slipped out while Pax was talking and he covered his mouth. “None of you meant anything to me.”

“Pax…” There were tears in Nate’s eyes now. Pax had put them there. Pax had hurt him like that. He had done it on purpose. “You’re lying.” 

“I’m not.”

“You’re normally better at it than this. And normally you’d never say something that hurtful, you’re not like that.”

Pax closed his eyes and tried to stop crying. “I’m just trying to protect myself, Nate.”

“From me?” 

From the way Nate made him feel. From the boss. From the world. From everything. From himself. “Yes.” He whispered. 

Nate went quiet at that, and the only thing Pax could hear was the sound of his own sniffling. “Okay.” Nate said after a minute, in a small, hurt voice. “Fine. If that’s…if that’s how you feel, Pax. I’ll just. I’m staying at an inn in town. Called the _Dragon’s Breath._ I’ll be there for a few days…if you change your mind. I’m going to…going to go. Sorry for wasting your time.”

Pax had never heard Nate sound that uncertain, or that sad. It made him want to throw himself on the ground and apologize and cry and do whatever he needed to do to make right what he’d done. To take back what he’d said. 

But he didn’t. He just stood there, eyes closed, tears streaming down his face, and nodded. “Goodbye, Pax.” Nate said quietly, and with a shuffle, he turned and Pax listened to his footsteps recede. 

Still crying and not able to stop, Pax turned and walked the other way, finally opening his eyes only when there was no danger of seeing anything that could hurt him.


	17. Devils Aren't the Only Ones Hiding in the Details

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, now for a quick breather. I think we all need it after the last chapter. 
> 
> That is not to say that we are not still on the Sadness Express, just that this is probably the least sad part of the trip.

Philip’s house was just as tacky on the inside as it was on the outside, and Pax had had exactly as little difficulty getting in as he’d expected. That in itself was a bit suspicious, but Pax wasn’t green enough to let himself be lulled into a false sense of security, and he kept his guard up as he moved through the overdecorated hallways. 

Pax had snuck in just past sundown in order to give himself as much time as possible to go through the house, since he didn’t know where Philip would be keeping the stone. Gold and treasure vaults were usually underground, but someone as ostentatious as Philip might very well have it on display somewhere. That meant that Pax got to spend half the night going through every inch of this stupidly big house until he found it.

Not that he minded. Pax was naturally nosy and he enjoyed going through other people’s things. He’d already found a heavy ring just sort of sitting on a table in a sitting room, and a fancy letter opener with little diamonds in it. Pax hadn’t chosen thievery as a lifestyle as much as it had been chosen for him, but he had to admit he was suited for it. 

The fact that work and shiny things took his mind off of Nate and everything else was just a nice bonus. 

Philip’s decorating sense tended towards the idea that more was better, and so every room and hall and nook and cranny in his house was filled with things, which made it very easy for Pax to skulk through his house undetected; he could just duck behind the nearest sculpture, plant, pedestal or whatever decorative nonsense was nearby. He’d already done it several times to avoid servants as he searched through the house, and expected to do it more as he moved upwards. He’d already cleared the basement, which meant he’d been right and Philip had it sitting somewhere where his friends could see it. 

That made things a bit harder, but not so much that Pax was worried. He had all night, and the house wasn’t _that_ big. And besides, he could always come back another night if worse came to absolute worst.

That didn’t mean, though, that he wasn’t happy when his job got easier a minute later. He had just finished searching through a room that had proved to be a coat room when he heard voices approaching from up a nearby staircase. Pax ducked behind a large statue of a nude saint holding a boat and waited for them to pass. 

“I appreciate your swift work in this.” A young man was saying. 

“The swiftness was entirely thanks to you.” A woman’s voice answered. “And unless their group has access to a teleportation spell like yours, there’s no fear of pursuit.” 

Pax frowned. He hadn’t expected a magic-user. He planned never to come face-to-face with the man, so it didn’t really matter, but it was unexpected hitches like that that ruined plans. 

“Nevertheless, I appreciate it. Your work was superb. If you’ve got the time and inclination, I have another job you might be interested in.” 

The woman laughed a little. “Well, if it’s for the same money, I’m interested.”

“It’s the same money.” The man assured her as they came to the bottom of the stairs and turned, passing right by the status behind which Pax was hiding. “My sources have located another stone in the set. It’s in a forest in the south, not far from the border, guarded by a clan of woods witches.”

“Nothing we can’t handle.” The woman said confidently. 

“I’m glad to hear it, Beatrice. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in this room here for a moment; I’ll send Marilyn to get you your payment and after I’ve put this somewhere safe, you and I can discuss the specifics of the next job.”

“Excellent.” That was the last that Pax heard of the conversation as the man opened a door and they both disappeared into a room, and then a moment later the door opened again and the man, who he assumed must be Philip, came out alone and headed off down the hallway. 

Pax followed him at a reasonable distance, wary of a trap but also thrilled that it seemed Philip was going to lead him right to what he’d come here to take. He followed the man down the hallway, around a corner and through another room, up a staircase to the second floor and hid inside an alcove with a huge flowering plant when Philip went into another room that he had to fish a key out of his shirt to open. Pax was still as he waited for Philip to come out, and hoped that none of the servants who passed by were here to water the plant. 

After much longer than Pax thought was necessary Philip came out of the room, which he locked again before disappearing back the way he’d come, humming. Pax waited fifty heartbeats before sliding out from the alcove, checking the hallway to make sure it was clear, and sidling up to the door.

Looking at the lock, it didn’t seem that hard to pick, but before going for his picks Pax reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a little hand mirror, which he used to look at the door in again. Sure enough, the reflection of the mirror was crawling with streams of arcane light, meaning both that the door was warded and that Pax’s investments hadn’t been a waste after all. 

He pulled out one particular lockpick from the kit at his hip and, with a slow exhale, worked it in the lock, alternating between watching his work, watching the hallway and watching the wards in the mirror, which didn’t seem to care much that he was trying to get past them, which meant that the lockpick was working too.

Magic was such a pain in the ass, if only because it meant that Pax had to pay extra for tools that were charmed to circumvent it. 

After a tense minute he heard that click he’d been waiting for and, with a smile, eased the door open a fraction, slipping inside and shutting it behind him.

This was definitely a display room for all of Philip’s expensive collectables. There were a lot of shiny things, and impressive things, like crowns and suits of armour and jewelry and fancy books that made Pax squirm a little in glee. He wanted to steal all of it. 

But first, work. On a shelf near the back of the room was a glass case that held the red stone that Pax had stolen from that wizard in Bright Harbour, and beside it was a purple stone. Pax decided to take both of them; maybe if the client wanted one, he’d be willing to forgive all the fuck-ups if he got two instead. And if not, Pax could always sell the second one somewhere else.

Since there was room in the case and Philip had said something about there being more, he had to assume that the stones were related to one another. Pax checked the case with the mirror and saw more wards dancing around it, though they were hard to make out because the stones put out so much light in the mirror. Pax was struck with a bizarre impression that the purple stone was somehow different from the red stone, as if it were only emulating its brother. But Pax didn’t care to spend time worrying about the peculiarities of some random magical rock. He tapped the case with his lockpick before opening it and took both stones. It was just like someone like Philip to assume that wards were a fair replacement for competent security, Pax thought to himself, putting both stones in the special bag at his back, which was supposed to block magic to make it harder to track the stolen goods.

“Hmm…” Pax said, turning and surveying the rest of the room with a little sway of his hips. He couldn’t take everything that was in the room—his bag was only so big, he could only carry so much, and he was going to have a limited amount of time to fence it all before he had to leave town. But sticking a few other things in his bag couldn’t hurt since he was here anyway, plus it would make it less obvious what he’d actually been here to take if he also took some other random stuff. 

Pax had never really been allowed to just take whatever he wanted. In his mind, he was a thief, so he should steal things. But the boss’s opinion had always been that he should go in, take what he’d been hired to take, and leave. It had all been very stifling of Pax’s professional drive. And it was definitely not spite that had him pilfering the room of the man who the boss had decided to screw him over for. 

There was an ornate dagger on a stand that went in the bag because Pax liked knives even if that wasn’t one he could use. Several glittery necklaces and some bracelets went in as well because they had precious stones in them and it would make the disappearance of the other stones stand out less. Pax looked longingly at an ebony walking stick with a handle carved like a skull, which was too big for him to reasonably take. He didn’t even want to sell it so much as he wanted to have it for himself, but Pax turned away from it with a sigh, figuring it was probably cursed or something. He took some amulets and one little book that was small enough to fit in his bag, a pair of spectacles, a solid gold paintbrush and, on a whim, a crown that looked to have been carved from some greenish-white rock. 

Knowing that he couldn’t reasonably take more, Pax made himself not take anything else. Most of what he’d grabbed was magical and he’d need to have someone tell him what it all was before he could reasonably sell it. He had contacts here in Merket who could help him with that, but it was going to take the whole night, if not a few days. 

_I’ll be there for a few days…if you change your mind._

Pax paused, angry at himself for no real reason. This wasn’t the time to be thinking about something that had nothing to do with his work. He’d made his choice, he’d done what he had to do, he wasn’t going to start regretting it right this very minute. Nate was probably gone by now anyway, it had been two days since they’d spoken. Pax had avoided the part of town that housed the _Dragon’s Breath_ and had every intention of continuing to do so, no matter that part of him had been mentally keeping track of how many days it had been, wondering what ‘a few’ meant and hoping he could be done by tomorrow just because. 

He could hear waves faintly in his head and Pax scowled, trying to clear his thoughts. He was working now. Nate could just wait forever until he was done.

Rather than leaving through the house, Pax decided to just use the window in this room to get outside. If he ever owned a stupid, huge mansion, he was going to have windows that didn’t open, but he could see the latches on this one from here. All he had to do was stand on the table and unlatch it, with a quick glance in the mirror to show that it was warded from the outside. In Pax’s experience that shouldn’t pose a problem from in here—another mistake most people made—but he tapped the lockpick against the glass just in case before he opened it and pulled himself up. 

He was facing the west side of the house’s grounds, which he’d initially thought of as the least ideal escape route—too much open ground between the house and the walls—but it from this angle it seemed more appealing. For just a moment, the fresh air smelled like salt and Pax shook his head to clear it. This was what he got for letting Nate get in his way during a job. 

Pax hauled himself the rest of the way up and eased himself out, peering down and around for somewhere to climb. There wasn’t really anywhere and Pax sighed, reflecting that the escape route he’d planned would have been a lot easier and wondering why he’d decided to do this, and lowered himself on the other side of the windowsill until he was hanging from his fingers. He pulled the window shut behind him just so someone wouldn’t see it from the outside and raise an alarm before he was gone. Steeling himself, Pax let go. 

It wasn’t that long a drop but Pax grunted in discomfort when his feet slammed into the ground, and he fell backwards, throwing his arms out behind him to stop himself from falling on his back and damaging something he’d taken from the house. Immediately he got up and flattened himself against the house, but it didn’t seem like anyone was around. Pax knew Philip had guards on his property, but he hadn’t seen any except at the entrance. 

He was tense as he crossed the lawn, but Pax made it to the wall without incident and found a little gazebo that the climbed to the roof of and used to get to the wall, careful to be quiet as he moved. 

He didn’t let his breath out until he was over the wall and two streets down from Philip’s house. And even then, he couldn’t really relax. That had been easy, but something felt wrong. Pax didn’t think he was being followed or that anyone had seen him, but there was something nagging at the back of his mind, something off. 

It was probably nothing. Pax had always invented problems that didn’t exist, he knew that. So he tried to shrug it off as he disappeared into the darkness of Merket. It was early in the night yet, and he had more work to do.


	18. Doing Business Well Requires Strategy and Focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there, folks.

The client’s house was just as easy to break into as Philip’s, and that was a little disappointing. 

Pax didn’t technically need to break in—he could very well just knock on the door and say he’d been hired by the master of the house, and could he see the man please—but it was more fun this way. And besides, it was important to keep up appearances when it came to these things. Thieves didn’t come in the front door, even if they were technically invited. The difference between the window and the door was important, between knocking and picking the lock, between asking and taking.

Between paying for passage and stowing away. 

Pax shook his head and looked again around the large sitting room with its large windows, which were not the windows he’d used to get inside. He figured one of two things was going to happen—either someone was going to come in the room and he would look dashing and mysterious and ask for the master, or nobody was going to come in the room and he’d sneak up to the master’s bedroom at night and be dashing and mysterious there. 

A nagging part of Pax kept reminded him that someone might also come in and call security and he’d have to run away, but Pax would deal with that if it happened. There were lots of escape routes in the house—he’d already taken the liberty of unlocking this room’s windows. But really, there was no need to call security. He’d made a point of coming in during the day instead of at night, and nobody robbed houses during the day. It was lunchtime, as a matter of fact, and Pax wished he’d eaten before coming.

He was thinking about maybe sneaking to the kitchen and asking for some food since he was technically sort of an employee of the man who lived here, and almost didn’t notice the door clicking open until it was too late to stand roguishly against the back wall. 

But Pax managed it valiantly, and tried a dashing and mysterious smile as an immaculate man entered the room, looking over his shoulder. “You’re a very clever boy, Daniel.” 

The man looked up and stopped, and Pax didn’t much like the look of him, and liked even less the half-dressed little slave behind him, who Pax guessed was Daniel and was maybe a little younger than Pax himself, with striking green eyes and dark black hair that curled around the ends. Wearing nothing but a long white shirt and a golden collar, little Daniel was still tensed dangerously, prepared to fight. 

Pax noticed the man looking at him and remembered that he was supposed to say something impressive, but instead all that came out was, “You need better security.” 

“Who are you?” The man demanded, moving, Pax, noticed, to stand a little more in front of Daniel the green-eyed slave. “What are you doing in my house?”

Ah, so this was Theodore. Pax had never seen him before. Normally the boss would have done this part, or had a proxy do it. “You hired me.” He said, trying to sound confident. “I’m here to make my delivery. A little late, maybe, but I wasn’t given a time and if you wanted it earlier you should have specified that in the contract.”

Theodore watched Pax for a moment and Pax tried not to squirm under his gaze. Finally he nodded incrementally and spoke over his shoulder without turning. “Daniel.” He said. “Wait outside while I speak with our guest.” 

Theodore was looking at Pax and so he probably didn’t see the brief, calculating look on Daniel’s face, eyes flitting from Pax to Theodore to the floor. “Yes, Master.” Daniel said quietly, retreating back a few steps so Theodore could close the door. 

“I do not appreciate you breaking into my house, young man.” Theodore said tersely, coming into the room and taking a seat in one of the chairs. He did not invite Pax to do the same, and Pax stayed standing. “And I certainly don’t remember hiring you.”

“Well, if you want to get technical, you hired my boss.” Pax said. “And he outsourced the work to me. I mean, you didn’t think Lord Dominic was going to steal the stone himself, did you?” 

Theodore’s eyes brightened a little in comprehension at the name. And then his brow furrowed. “I was informed that both you and the stone were tragically lost at sea.” He said, rightfully suspicious in Pax’s mind. 

“You were misinformed.” Pax said simply. And then, because he wasn’t a simple person, he continued. “I was waylaid coming here for quite some time, and I…misplaced the stone briefly and had to recover it. When I didn’t come back from Bright Harbour for months, he assumed I’d drowned somewhere.” There, Pax thought. Dominic didn’t deserve it, but Pax had covered for him. Never let it be said that he wasn’t loyal. 

“But you didn’t.” Theodore said, tenting his hands as he considered Pax. He sounded thoughtful, and Pax wondered how good he was at reading between the lines. “Most fortunate—for both of us.” 

“I thought so.” Pax jostled his right arm and let the red stone fall from his sleeve into his palm. He played with it between his fingers, making sure Theodore saw. “I believe this is yours, sir.” And he tossed it gently, and Theodore caught it in one hand. “Sorry for the lack of formality, if that’s your thing. It’s not really my thing, but I don’t normally make deliveries in person. There were some circumstances this time that led to me doing it this way.”

“I believe I can forgive you the lack of formality.” Theodore said, looking at the stone curiously, and then at Pax more curiously. 

“Thank you.” Pax smiled. “I don’t normally discuss payment myself either, so I’m sorry if I’m tactless, but…”

Theodore smiled, and it was way too knowing for Pax’s liking. “Ah, yes. I do owe you money, don’t I?”

“You do.” Pax took a breath. Hopefully this didn’t blow up in his face. “I think you paid…a third upfront, right?” 

“A quarter, actually.” Theodore corrected him, and Pax wasn’t sure if that put him up or down in his estimation. Honesty wasn’t as great a quality as people made it out to be. “Which I admit I’d written off, as I was told it was non-refundable due to your unfortunate death.” 

“Yes, the boss knows well the value of a human life.” Pax said, giving an empty smile. “Since it took so much longer than expected to get you the item, I’m willing to give you a discount. I’ll accept half the total price, and you keep the last quarter for the inconvenience.” Pax normally only got a tenth of the cut, so even taking half was a huge increase in profit for him. Assuming Theodore agreed. 

Assuming Theodore stopped watching Pax like he was watching a circus performer. “I made a mistake in hiring Dominic, didn’t I?” He asked, somewhat blandly. 

Pax flinched. “No. But you made a mistake trusting him.” 

“A very fine line of difference.” Theodore nodded, sat back in the chair, the stone in one hand. “Did he plan to sell it to someone else all along, I wonder, or was it just that he saw an opportunity for greater profit while you were missing?” 

“I can’t speak to that.” Pax said, shifting uncomfortably. Weighing whether this was a good idea or not, Pax shook his left arm and let the purple stone fall into his hand. “But I can tell you that when I went to retrieve the stone, I found this beside it.” 

Theodore blinked, straightened. “Really? Now, isn’t that interesting.” 

“I guess it must be.” Pax smiled. “Seeing as you’re clearly interested.” He tossed the purple one to Theodore as well. “I’ll take half for that one as well.” 

“No.” Theodore said, looking at both stones and standing. Pax frowned, but Theodore smiled shrewdly at him. “I believe in rewarding accomplishment. You shall be paid the full amount for both stones.” 

Pax blinked. In his experience rich people were usually stingy. “I…thank you.” 

Theodore nodded. “Excuse me.” He turned and went to the door, opening and speaking quietly to—Pax assumed—Daniel on the other side. After a moment he closed the door and returned. “Curious.” He said. “That you would have given me both stones before even negotiating payment, much less receiving it.” 

Pax shrugged. It wasn’t like this hadn’t crossed his mind. “You have no idea how I got into the house.” A part of Pax didn’t even really care about the money. He’d made quite a bit fencing the rest of the stuff he’d stolen from Philip, though he’d kept the dagger and the little crown for himself, and was less worried about money and more about getting out of Merket before someone found him. 

Theodore laughed. “And I don’t suppose you will tell me. Not to worry, I intend to pay. What is your name, young man?” He gestured towards the sofa opposite him. 

Pax hesitated just a second. “Pascal.” He said, moving and sitting warily on the sofa. 

“Are you intending to strike out on your own after this, Pascal?” 

Pax looked away. “I haven’t decided yet. Probably. I mean, I wouldn’t say I have no other skills, because I’m very good at a lot of things, and really I could have any job I wanted, not to mention I’ve made a lot of money and probably if I use it wisely I could even retire, or maybe buy a farm or something and raise chickens that I’d have to eat, but really thievery is what I’m best at, so I guess I’ll probably do more of it. There’s just a lot of stuff in the world that needs to be stolen, you know?” 

Apparently amused, Theodore nodded. “Yes, I do. Clearly, I shall not be hiring Dominic again if I require things stolen for me. But I applaud industry, especially in young people. How would you like to be his replacement?” 

“Me? I…” Something made Pax want to say no right away, but he quashed that. He might have misgivings about Theodore personally, but there were only so many bridges he could burn before he was stuck on a deserted island surrounded by flaming infrastructure. “I guess I’m willing to consider it. I mean, you have a lot of money and I like to steal things, and if you’re willing to pay me to steal things I guess that would be pretty neat.” 

“I would say so. You seem hesitant.”

“I, um. I haven’t decided is all. If I want out or not.” Pax admitted. It probably wasn’t something that should embarrass him, but it did. It was like admitting something he wasn’t ready to admit. 

“I understand.” Theodore nodded patiently. “Do you keep your money in banks, Pascal?” 

“I do.” Pax nodded back, a little confused at this line of question. He kind of wanted to leave. He’d wanted to leave since he’d gotten here, and a part of him thought maybe before then, but the desire was getting stronger. “It’s better for my back than carrying it all around and safer besides, since I’m technically homeless, in that I aggressively avoid staying in one place long enough to call it home.” He could practically hear the creak of wood, the whisper of waves, as he said that. “And it would be really ironic and depressing if I ended up getting robbed out of my savings, so…”

“Indeed.” On the table there was a quill and some paper, and Theodore leaned forward and wrote a few things out on a sheet, sliding it over to Pax. “When you to go deposit your earnings from today—which I’ll arrange as soon as my assistant arrives—speak to the bankers about investing some of your funds in these ventures.”

Nothing written on the paper made much sense to Pax, but he nodded, and took it. “Let me guess. Ventures you own?”

“Or shortly will. You’ll find that allowing your money to fund them will be quite profitable for you very soon, I think.” 

Pax smiled, wondering why Theodore would do that. So he decided to ask. “Why would you do that for me?” 

“To show you that you can trust me, of course.” 

Pax almost laughed out loud at that. He didn’t trust Theodore, no matter what he did. He didn’t trust anyone. 

Almost anyone. 

Keeping his smile in place, Pax pocketed the note. “Get windows that don’t open.” He said, nodding when Theodore cocked his eyebrows. “Or if you really can’t get through the summer without the ventilation, replace all the fancy latches with steel deadbolts. They’re not as pretty, but they’re almost impossible to open from the outside.”

“Almost?” 

“Almost is the price you pay for wanting windows that open.” Pax told him. 

Theodore chuckled at that. “Fair enough. Though potential thieves could simply break the windows.” 

“Hire security who are able to hear the sound of glass breaking and you should be okay.” 

“Perhaps I should be hiring you to be head of security here.” 

Pax shook his head. He couldn’t work in a place like there, where there were so many things to steal and he couldn’t ever take any of them because it would be his job to make sure that didn’t happen. That would be terrible. “I’m leaving Merket tomorrow.” He was starting to feel itchy and unsteady, having been here for so long. “Dominic will have people after me eventually.” That was a plausible enough reason, he thought. 

“I suppose he will.” Theodore nodded thoughtfully. “Though that leaves me bereft of ways to contact you should I require your services again.” 

Pax smirked and patted the pocket where he’d put Theodore’s note. “Just ask your banker friends to notify me that you’re looking for me the next time I go to deposit money. They all talk to each other.” 

“I could do that.” Theodore said, as if to himself. “Very clever.” 

“Stupid thieves don’t last long.” Pax said, sighing. He _really_ wanted to leave, but at this point he may as well at least wait for his money. The last person Theodore had called clever was the underdressed little slave he was probably, definitely sleeping with, so Pax wasn’t entirely comfortable being complimented that same way. 

“No, I suppose they wouldn’t, would they?” Theodore settled into his chair a bit more. “While we wait for Benedict, why don’t I tell you about something I’ve been hoping to acquire? At the very least you can tell me what you think.” 

Pax hesitated, but nodded. It was Theodore’s house, after all. If he wanted to talk, Pax couldn’t stop him. 

Even though he ended up declining the job, Pax thought that, all things considered, going it alone was working pretty well for him. And if he just kept lying and telling himself that money was the only thing that really mattered to him, that friends and relationships and people and the sea and the open air didn’t, maybe eventually that would become true.


	19. Happy Endings Are Never Really Endings; They're Always New Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mentioned before that I don't generally get emotional about my own stories, but I cried at this one too, more than once. Every time I've looked at it, actually. 
> 
> But it's worth it, I promise.

The first thing Pax saw when he returned to White Cape was that the harbour was most definitely not frozen any longer. There were still stray chunks of ice floating here and there and probably would be until the summer, but the white pack that had run to the open sea was gone. 

_Good._ He thought, for no reason in particular, as he made his way into the city.

He was going to turn south, travel down the coast by road. That was what he’d been reminding himself of the whole way here. He hadn’t seen any evidence yet that Dominic was looking for him or had sent people after him, but he had to assume it would be happening. And Dominic knew him, too well. 

Which was why Pax had come to White Cape—it was too obvious. Clearly, someone of his intellect and ability wouldn’t be stupid enough to return to the city he’d just been to a week past. Dominic would know that, and would naturally assume Pax was travelling overland from Merket, west towards the mountains or south towards the border. He would know that Pax would never be stupid enough to go back to White Cape so soon. 

But Pax had always been smarter than Dominic—than anyone—had given him credit for, so he headed back to White Cape to throw off the trail. And he was going to head south along the coastal roads, and change direction in Pelican Bay, head about halfway to Three Hills because Dominic would never expect Pax to come anywhere near the capital, and then head south to Kyaine for a while. 

The world was big enough that Pax could easily disappear in it. 

He headed west only because the harbour market was the only place in town he might be able to buy knives—he needed more and hadn’t had time to replace them in Merket. Pax kept his eyes on the streets, looking up just enough not to bump into people, making his way to the water. Otherwise he would have just cut south and left through the other gate. Though maybe one night in White Cape wouldn’t hurt. They didn’t know he was here anyway. 

But then, Pax hated White Cape, so he really didn’t want to stay here any longer than was necessary. 

He probably could have bought knives in Pelican Bay, but Pax didn’t want to go that long without being properly armed, and he still hadn’t been able to find out what that ornate knife he’d taken from Philip did, and though it seemed like it would function as an ordinary dagger if it had to, he didn’t want to risk that it would light on fire or something. Besides, he used knives for more than fighting, so he needed proper ones if he was going to set out on a journey. 

A journey to the south. He’d considered the possibility of getting passage on a ship—properly this time, with money—but no matter how appealing it was, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. No, going overland was better. And he wasn’t—he wasn’t—going to end up anywhere near Bright Harbour once he got to Kyaine. Inland, away from the sea, that was where he was going. 

Pax hated White Cape. He hated the refreshing sea air, the smell of salt in everything. He hated the ever-present comfort of the water, the faint sound of waves when the streets quieted. He hated the riotous sounds of sailors on shore leave, how loud they were with their fun, how _present_ they were in the streets when he saw them. 

Now he was at the harbour, and he’d gone too far north and missed the harbour market by about a kilometer. He was just at the harbour proper, where merchant ships were docked, loading and unloading their cargo, and here there were more things Pax hated. He hated the ships, and how vast and inviting they looked. He hated the creaking of wood, the cries of sea birds, the clatter of wagons. He hated the press of people working, the calls of recruiters looking for deckhands, the mesmerized faces of people his age and younger, looking at the ships and seeing adventure and discovery and _freedom,_ and…

His will gone all at once, Pax snapped his head up, blinking fiercely, and looked at the harbour properly for the first time. The fisher ships and the navy vessels were up the harbour a little, and this was all merchant ships. Some sat heavy and some didn’t, depending on how far along they were in the loading or unloading process. He saw officers on decks arguing with harbour hands, and sailors climbing on everything to make sure their ships ran smoothly. 

As he’d known, the _Sparkling Wind_ wasn’t here. It was gone, it would have left days ago. Even as he fought back a stone in his throat, Pax nodded to himself. _Okay._ Now he knew. Now he’d been here, and now he knew that they were gone, and now he knew that he needed to get over himself and move on. 

But still Pax scanned the harbour, not able to take his eyes away from the water and the ships. It was like there was a voice telling him to go that way, and Pax shook his head, denied it. _I’m not going back that way._ He insisted. _I don’t go backwards._

_At least backwards is going somewhere._ And that was also Pax, because Pax wasn’t the type to hear voices. A little girl was approaching him from his left to pick his pocket and Pax glanced at her, taking a coin from his pocket and tossing it at her when she got too close. Looking more irritated than anything, she caught it and scurried off. 

He refocused his full attention on the water and that was when he saw it. 

Sailing away from the harbour, out to the open sea, low in the water with its cargo, sails out to catch the wind. It could have been any ship; they all looked similar at a distance. But it wasn’t. It was slowing, coming about to one side to meet a harbour ship that was sailing up to do a random inspection to make sure they weren’t smugglers. 

It was about a kilometer out, the part of Pax that measured everything noticed. And the act of noticing that was what broke Pax. He erupted into a run that had people around him making startled noises. Looking all around him, Pax measured time and distance and space and banked left, headed for the gangway to a heavy merchant vessel from Kyaine. 

The inspection would take some time, possibly as much as an hour. The _Sparkling Wind_ was only a kilometer out. A kilometer wasn’t that far. Pax could make it, he was sure. 

He was also sure, as he dodged crewmen and ran up the gangway to that ship, that this was crazy and stupid. He wasn’t going to make it and even if he did, what then? And why? He’d already fucked it up, gone out of his way to make sure they knew he felt nothing for them, that they were nothing to him. Why accept him back? He was just as likely to get tossed overboard as anything else. It was what he would do. 

But he ran anyway, leaping crates and avoiding people trying to catch him, not listening to anyone who shouted. Pax ran up to the ship’s forecastle and kept running, past the first mate at the helm, and leapt onto the railing, using it to push himself off into a long dive into the cold water. He had to get there. No matter what happened, he had to get there. 

They were the only people who had ever let him be Pax without trying to change him into someone better. They’d accepted him at face value even when he’d lied to them, and then had accepted him again when they’d found out the truth. They hadn’t wanted anything from him.

If he didn’t at least try to get there, why had he even bothered leaving the boss?

So Pax swam, and he wasn’t the strongest swimmer in the world, and there were waves in the harbour and the water was cold and it _didn’t matter,_ because he had to get to the ship. That was what mattered right now. What he would do if he didn’t get there didn’t cross his mind, nor did what would happen if they didn’t want him, all of that was driven out by the need to _keep swimming._

A kilometer wasn’t that far, but it felt like it must have taken hours, and Pax’s breath was coming in stabs and cramps, and he couldn’t feel his legs and he didn’t have the energy and he wasn’t going to make it but he _did._ He did make it, and he cried out in pure relief when his hand touched the side of the ship’s hull. 

Treading water, Pax reached into his shirt and pulled out a knife, and then another. The harbour ship was just now moving away, he saw. He’d made it in time. Just in time. He wasn’t too late.

Pax jabbed his knives between the boards of the hull and hauled himself up, grateful for his boots even if they had made swimming harder. At least this time he didn’t cut his hands and feet open. Shaking, he climbed up the side of the ship and when he got to the rail, he left his knives sticking out of the hull and pulled himself up, and over, and onto the deck in a puddle.

“Pax? What the hell?” It was Jade, in the process of tying down a tarp, looking at him like he was a ghost. 

Pax tried to smile at her but ended up having to hold back a sob. “Where’s the captain?” he asked, and behind the pants as he tried to catch his breath, his voice was much smaller than he was used to hearing it. 

“The helm.” Jade said, pointing him towards it unnecessarily. 

“Thank you.” Pax stood shakily and started down the ship, ignoring everyone. And realizing hallway there that he should have asked where Nate was as well. 

The captain was at the helm, facing the ocean. Pax made his way towards her. A lot of the crew had fallen silent. They were watching and Pax wished they wouldn’t. 

“You’re dripping water all over my ship, Pax.” Natalie said, without turning around. 

Pax sniffed, nodded. “I’ll clean it up.” 

Natalie nodded, looked down at her compass, and turned to face him, expression hard. “Um.” Pax just looked at her, still trying to catch his breath. He wished she would show something on her face so he would know what she was thinking. “Permission to come aboard, Captain?” 

Her look softened a little. “When have you ever needed it before?” 

“I’m trying something new. And protocols are important. You should know that.” 

She nodded at him. Pax looked at her, trying to keep himself together even as he shivered. “I have a policy.” She said. “About people not being on board my ship when I’m ready to set off.”

“I’ve never seen this policy.” Pax said, voice hitching. “I think you keep your policies in your head, and that’s not good organization.”

“The policy is that if you’re not there when I’m ready to set off, I’m setting off without you and you can swim if you want to get on board. So I don’t see any violation of that policy here.” She smiled at him, and Pax had to close his eyes to stop from crying. “Permission granted, crewman.” 

“Thank you.” Pax managed, as tears started rolling down his face. “Thank you. I…thank you so much.”

“Look behind you, Pax.” 

Pax shook his head, because he knew why, but he did as his captain had ordered, turning and forcing his eyes open. Nate was standing there, a few feet away, hand half outstretched as if to grab him. 

Pax staggered forward without meaning to. He couldn’t, he couldn’t do this. Nate hated him, he’d made Nate hate him, this had been a terrible idea, he couldn’t…

But he still moved forward, and suddenly Nate was right in front of him, and he wrapped his arms around Pax and everything was okay and Pax couldn’t keep it together anymore and he hugged Nate as hard as he could, sobbing. “I’m sorry.” He cried. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Nate. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.” 

“Shhhh.” Nate said, patting him on the back. “Shh. It’s okay. I know you didn’t.” 

“I’m sorry.” Pax said again. Because he was, he really, really was. “And I’m a liar and I lied about so many things but I’m not lying about this. I’m really, really sorry.” 

“I know you are.” Nate said, rocking back and forth. “I know you are, Pax. It’s okay. You didn’t mean it.”

“I shouldn’t have said it. I shouldn’t have said you didn’t matter to me, Nate. I shouldn’t.”

“You had reasons.” Nate sounded sad, and that made Pax want to cry even more. It was all his fault that Nate was sad, he’d done that on purpose. “You came back.”

“I left.” Pax said, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t have left.”

“But you came back. And that matters more.”

Pax nodded, trying to control himself. Nate held him until he managed to stop weeping, at least. “I’m not going to leave again. I’m never going to leave again, Nate, I promise. I promise and I hope…” He sniffed. “I hope you meant it when you said you loved me, Nate. Because I think I love you too and I’m never, ever, ever going to leave again.” 

“Okay.” Nate said, squeezing Pax tighter. “Okay. I believe you. I know you won’t leave. And I do love you, Pax. I do.” Pax just nodded and after a minute Nate pulled back from the hug. “You’re soaking wet. Let’s get you changed into something dry, okay?” 

Pax nodded again and let Nate lead him off the deck, into the little cabin where they’d met. Gently, Nate undressed Pax, peeling off his wet clothes and dropping them on the floor, unstrapping his knife harnesses. He dried Pax with a blanket and then wrapped another one around him, sat him on the bed and dug out some clothes for him. 

Pax put the clothes on and almost started crying again. They smelled like Nate, like the ship. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too.” 

“I wanted to see you, when I was in Merket. I just…I couldn’t.” 

“I know, it’s okay.” Nate wrapped Pax in another hug and pulled him down until they were laying together, foreheads together. Nate kissed him, just once, gently. “You’re here now. You should get some sleep.”

“It’s the middle of the day.”

“You’re exhausted.”

Pax nodded, realizing that was true. It was always dark in the cabin, dark enough to sleep. “I’m…I meant it when I said I’m never going to leave, Nate. I promise.” 

“I know. And I promise I’m never going to let you leave, even if you try.”

“I promise I’ll tell you the truth this time.” Pax whispered. “I won’t lie anymore.”

“And I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you safe from anything you need me to.”

Pax knew that was true. “I…I promise to trust you to do that.” 

“I promise to trust you to protect me from witches and centipedes.” 

Pax laughed a little at that. “I promise to always keep you safe, no matter where we are.” 

“I promise that we’ll always be together, no matter where we are.” 

“I promise that I’ll be your first mate, when you have your own ship.”

Nate smiled at that one. “And I promise to be a captain worthy of you.”

“I promise I’ll do everything I can to help you on the ship.”

“I promise to let you get past the elephant next time you tell a story.”

“I promise not to hurt you ever again.” 

Nate paused for a second. “I promise that I won’t hurt you, and that I won’t let you hurt yourself anymore.” 

They lay there, the two of them, for a long time in the dark, whispering promises to each other.


	20. You Can't Really Wipe a Slate Clean, but That Doesn't Mean You Can't Be Happy Anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this chapter, we reach the final stop on the Sadness Express. I'm glad we all got to go on this ride together; I don't know about you, but I had a lot of fun.

Pax awoke in a gently rocking room, and he felt comfortable and safe and happy. It took him just a minute to realize why and when he did, he opened his eyes and turned quickly, checking…

Nate was there beside him, still asleep. Pax smiled. It had been real. All of it. 

Nate stirred and a moment later his eyes were open too, looking at Pax. “Morning.”

“Good morning, Nate. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Nate smiled at him. “Did you just wake up? It’s not like you to sleep so late.”

“But it’s exactly like you to sleep so late.” Pax countered, stretching. “Your bad habits are wearing off on me.” 

“Good.” Nate said, leaning in and kissing Pax. “You could use a few.”

“I have plenty of my own.” Reluctantly, Pax sat, stretching some more. At some point before falling asleep he’d taken off his shirt and so had Nate. He looked around to see if he could find where it had gone. 

“Maybe they’ll wear off on me.” Nate was still laying down, so Pax climbed over him. He was reluctant to leave the bed, but he was going to have to get up eventually. 

“I hope not.” Pax said, smiling as Nate grabbed his waist on the way over and held in there. He leaned down and kissed Nate, settling in on top of him. Maybe they didn’t have to leave the bed yet.

“How are you feeling?” Nate asked, and Pax was pretty sure he had an ulterior motive for wanting to know that. Since that ulterior motive was currently poking into Pax’s thigh, it wasn’t much of a mystery. 

“Better than yesterday.” Pax said, with another kiss. He had an ulterior motive too, which he knew Nate could feel. “Well enough to stay here for a little while.”

“Here, on top of me?” Nate asked, grinning. 

“I like it here on top of you.” Pax told him, his hands running down Nate’s chest. “It counteracts that you’re normally taller than me.”

“I’m still taller than you, you’re just sitting on me.” Nate said, fiddling with Pax’s belt.

“Just for that now I’m definitely not going to move.” Pax muttered.

Nate started to say something else, but a knock on the cabin door interrupted them. The door banged open immediately after. “Captain wants…oh.” It was Pig’s voice. “The captain is, uh, looking for the two of you.”

“We’re a bit busy.” Nate told him.

“She’s probably mad because I didn’t get her breakfast.” Pax said, finding that the intrusion didn’t bother him as much as it might have. He gave Nate one more kiss before reluctantly getting off and searching for a shirt. “She’s probably been doing nothing but eating bread and drinking wine all the time I’ve been gone, I swear she can barely take care of herself. We’re coming, Pig.” It wasn’t about her breakfast. Pax had known this was coming. 

“Right. Welcome back, Pax.”

“Thanks.” Pig retreated and left them alone, and Nate sighed. “Come on.”

“Captain can wait.” Nate growled. “I swear she timed that.”

“It might be important ship business.” Pax told him as he put on one of Nate’s shirts. If he was going to be living here, Pax thought, he was going to have to acquire his own clothes. Nate’s clothes were nice, but they really didn’t fit him properly. “Then again, she asked for you too, so probably not.” He tossed a shirt at Nate too.

“Don’t you want those?” Nate asked, pointing at Pax’s knife harnesses, which were in a pile on the floor. 

Pax looked at them for a second and shook his head. “No, I don’t need them.” 

Nate smiled, got out of bed. And kissed Pax again. “I guess we can do that another time.” The tent in his pants was very obvious and Pax realized that his probably was too, and tried to rearrange himself to hide it. 

“We’ve got all kinds of time.” He muttered as he did that. “I’m not going anywhere.” It was still good to repeat that. It was good for that to be true. 

“I know.” Nate gave Pax one more kiss and then they left the cabin, headed to go see their captain. 

Pax looked around the ship as they did, feeling the familiarity and smiling. Home. 

Not all of it was familiar, he realized. “Who’s that?” He asked, pointing out a man with longish red hair working on some netting. 

“Name’s Joel.” Nate told him. “We lost three deckhands in White Cape and the captain was planning on hiring more anyway, so there’re a half-dozen new crew.” 

“Lost?”

Nate nodded. “People leave. Get better offers, decide to retire, whatever. Randall, Toothy and Delia left.” 

“Oh.” Pax frowned. He’d just been expecting the crew would be the same as it had been when he’d left. That it would always be the same. But he guessed that if he could leave his previous job, so could anyone else. He’d never said goodbye to them, and probably never would now. “That’s too bad.”

“Yeah, they were good.” Nate said, shrugging. “But that’s the way it goes. We also took on a passenger—a paying one.”

“That’s never not going to be held over my head, is it?”

“Probably not. Captain put her in the other cabin there.” Nate gestured to the other side of the ship.

“That’s a storage cabin.”

“Not anymore.”

“Oh, God.” Pax sighed, closing his eyes. “You moved everything out of there to below deck—and you probably cocked it all up and put things wherever you wanted, didn’t you? Now I know what I’m going to spend today doing, at least.”

“Welcome back, Pax.” Nate said, kissing him on the cheek. 

“There’s nowhere else I want to be.” Pax admitted, colouring. Nate flushed a little too. “Let’s go see the captain before she has us tossed overboard for insubordination. I could probably make the case to save myself since I’m so useful, but you’d have a hard time convincing her that you were worth it.”

“Yes, sir.” Nate said with a laugh, and Pax knocked once the captain’s door. 

“Come in, Pax.”

Pax did, scowling, and Nate followed him. “The number of crew members you must have called Pax hoping that eventually it would be me.” 

“Whatever makes you feel better.” The captain was sitting at her desk writing in the log. She closed it and sighed, looking up at them. At Pax. “How did you sleep?”

“Well.” Pax nodded. “Thank you.”

She flicked her eyes to Nate before returning to him. “I’m guessing I interrupted something.” 

“Of course not.” Pax said, looking up at the ceiling. “Nate and I were just talking about the weather is all.”

“Right, let’s go with that for now.” 

A silence fell into the little room. “Captain…”

“It’s okay, Nate.” Pax said, holding up a hand. “I’m fine.”

“Why don’t you sit down, Pax?”

There wasn’t anywhere to sit in the cabin except the chair the captain was using, but Pax took the clothes chest against one wall. She was going to need to get chairs, honestly. What kind of uncivilized person didn’t have chairs? Nate sat himself on the captain’s bed and watched Pax. 

“I…”

“Pax.” The captain interrupted him. “I didn’t call you here to interrogate you. You do not owe me an explanation or anything else. All I want is for you to tell me that you aren’t using us for passage somewhere this time.” 

“I’m not.” Pax said, feeling bad. “I don’t have any intention of leaving again.” 

“And that you’re not using my ship as cover to rob people when we take into a port.”

“No.” Pax shook his head. The question hurt, even though he knew it was valid. “I’m not, I swear. I…I can’t promise that I’ll never steal anything again. But I’m not using you, not anymore.”

“Good.” Natalie nodded. She needed to brush her hair. “That’s all I needed to know.”

“No.” Pax said, shaking his head. “I do owe you an explanation.” 

“No, Pax, you don’t.”

“Yes, Nate, I do.” Pax paused, looked at the ground. “I was using you, and the ship, and it’s not fair for me to just come back and expect you not to ask questions.” 

“We don’t expect anyone else to tell us their life story before letting them on board.”

“If I can’t…” Pax paused, took a breath, lowered his voice. “If I can’t tell you the truth about this, how can I expect you to trust me about anything else?” He looked up at Nate, firm. “I want to tell you, both of you.” He said, turning to the captain. 

“Alright.” Natalie said with a nod. “I’m listening, then.”

Pax nodded, and then looked down at the floor, at his hands, trying to compose his thoughts. He wasn’t prepared for this—he wanted to tell them, he did. But it was hard. 

“I’m from a city called Tall Haven.” Pax finally said after a few minutes. “I guess you wouldn’t know it; it’s inland, on the part of the Saints’ River called the White Nail.”

“I’ve seen it on maps.” Natalie said.

“Okay.” Pax nodded again. It didn’t really matter, honestly. “That’s where I was born. When I was little, three or four, maybe, my parents, um…they abandoned me. Or maybe they died, I don’t know. I don’t remember them. I remember that I didn’t have a place to live, and I was hungry. Even then, I probably didn’t know why. All I knew was that my name was Patrick and I was hungry.

“I probably would have died.” Pax said, matter-of-factly. “Someone found me. His name was Abner. He was nice, he had taken in some other orphans as well, we all lived together. He gave us food and a place to live.”

Pax paused for a minute, sighing. “He taught us to steal. Street stuff at first, picking pockets and snatching things off carts and market stalls. He never hurt us or touched us or anything, which in retrospect is kind of surprising, but I guess he didn’t want to scare us away. It didn’t stay street stuff forever and by the time I was eight I could climb over a garden wall and pick most locks.”

“Pax…” Nate sounded worried, and Pax smiled at him. 

“It’s okay.” Pax said, shrugging. “I didn’t hate it, it was fun. It’s still fun. One night a few of us robbed this guy, Dominic is his name. He caught us, but then he let us go. I remember thinking it was weird at the time. But…” Pax bit his lip for a second. “Abner died a month or so later. None of us knew what to do without him. Some of the kids were older than me and they decided they’d go off, but…” He shrugged again. “Dominic found us before most of them could leave. Said he’d heard we were in the market for a new employer. And told us that the world was bigger than Tall Haven.” 

“Did you realize at the time that he’d killed Abner?” Natalie asked him. “Or did that come later?”

“Later.” Pax said, though he wavered on that. “Though not much later and…I can’t speak for the other kids, but I think I knew even then, and was just too afraid to admit it. Even now, those of us still in contact…we don’t talk about it.” 

“You’re not all in contact?” Nate asked. 

“No. He separated us after a few months. For training, he told us. And for safety. It was better if we weren’t all together, they could catch us easier that way. I, um. I never liked Dominic. I thought about running away a bunch of times. I took…I let him assign me so many jobs, so I wouldn’t have to get near him. I enrolled in the mages academy in the capital for two years—it’s a good school even if you’re not a mage. Everywhere I went I tried to learn as much as I could, thinking that someday I’d be able to use some of it to get away from him for good. But I was never brave enough to actually try.”

“It’s hard.” Natalie told him. “To leave behind that security, even if you hate it.”

Pax nodded. “Yeah.” He couldn’t, he couldn’t sit by himself anymore. Pax stood, went over and sat beside Nate on the bed. Nate put an arm around him and that was comforting. “The problem is that while I was taking all those jobs and learning so many things, I got more and more useful to him. I…don’t like to think about what happened to the ones who weren’t as useful. I like to think that they all were, in different ways.” Pax fell silent for a minute, just let Nate hold him and wondered about them. 

“I was in Bright Harbour to steal a relic from a wizard who lived there. I was specifically told to have it sent to White Cape separately to avoid risk if I was caught. I’ve never been caught.” Pax realized his hands were shaking a little. “But I fucked up. I got distracted in White Cape while I was waiting to get the stone shipped, and I ended up stowing away on your ship.”

“Captain Brightstream.” Natalie guessed.

“Yeah. I’ve never really been able to resist stealing from people I don’t like.” It had been a mistake, that was all. A stupid one. “Anyway, it didn’t matter. Because Dominic had set me up. He’d arranged to have the stone sold to someone other than the client, so it wouldn’t have mattered when I’d gotten to White Cape.” 

“That’s what you were doing in Merket.” Nate said quietly. Natalie gave him a look. “You were going to steal it back.”

“Yeah. I…had already told Dominic to shove it, by proxy anyway. But I had a job to do and you know how I am about doing things right.” 

“Yeah.” Nate kissed Pax’s temple. “I know.”

“I quit. I don’t work for Dominic anymore. I don’t know if he knows yet. I don’t know if he cares, since he’d written me off as dead anyway. But he might be looking for me.”

“He won’t find you.” Natalie promised. “And even if he does, nothing is going to happen to a member of my crew while I’m here.” 

“Thank you. It’s not fair for me to put that on you.”

“I’m the captain. It’s my job to look after the crew and if you think you’re the first sailor who’s wanted on land, you ought to pay a little more attention.” 

Pax smiled. “Thank you, Captain.” 

“You can resume your duties whenever you’re ready, crewman. I had to get my own breakfast this morning.”

“I assumed. And I’m sure Nate made a mess of the hold between moving the storage down there and all the new cargo.” 

“I expect he did.”

“Hey!”

“Thank you for telling us the truth, Patrick.”

“I prefer Pascal.” Pax said, leaning in to Nate a little. “I prefer Pax, but if you really must use the full name, I like that one better.” 

“Understood. Nate.” Natalie turned to him. “Could I have a minute with Pax? I’m not going to bite him, calm down.” Nate must have been making a face, but Pax couldn’t see. 

Pax pulled away a bit and smiled up at Nate. “I’m sure you must have work to be doing somewhere.”

“So you keep saying.” Nate shrugged, putting on a smile as well. “I’m not convinced it’s true.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll put you to work properly once I’m done here.” Pax promised. 

“I look forward to it.” Nate stood and made to leave, stopping to kiss Pax on the forehead before giving Natalie a look on his way out. 

Natalie looked after him in and sighed, turning back to Pax. “Do you want a drink?”

“That’s my line, and it’s too early in the day to drink.” Pax watched her, wondering what she wanted. 

“Water, Pax.” Natalie smiled, poured him a cup from a little jug on her desk. She passed it to him. “I’m not the captain right now.”

“You’re always the captain.” Pax told her, smiling. He was starting to get an idea where she was headed with that. “It’s how it works. Really, you shouldn’t need to have me explain that to you, you’ve been doing this much longer than I have.”

“I’m not the captain right now.” She repeated, sitting again. “Right now I am Nate’s mother and I need to tell you that you hurt my son very badly.” 

Pax looked at her for a minute before dropping his head. “I know.” He said, trying to keep himself calm. 

“I’m not sure you do. After you left, he worked, nonstop. He took on every task he possibly could, there wasn’t a daylight hour when he wasn’t doing something. He wasn’t sleeping properly, he wasn’t eating. He just worked.”

“Oh, God.” Pax closed his eyes, gripping his tin cup tightly. “He waits until I’m gone to…”

“I’m sure he didn’t realize he was doing it, but it was because he was blaming himself. He thought that—”

“That I wouldn’t have left if he’d been better.” Pax nodded. “That if he did all that work, maybe I’d come back. Even if he didn’t realize it, that’s what he was thinking.” And Pax—even now, Pax had just taken a swipe at Nate’s work ethic two minutes ago. 

“He took shore leave, which he never does for more than a day. I didn’t know he’d even left White Cape.” Natalie pursed her lips. “When he came back, Pax. He was clearly devastated. He wouldn’t tell me what happened. But he barely left his cabin. He always looked like he’d just finished crying or was about to start. He barely spoke to anyone, including me.” 

“I’m sorry.” Pax whispered, because he could see it, and it hurt, because he’d done it. “I told him I didn’t care about him. It hurt to see him and I lied to make him go away. I…Have you ever said something that you know you’re going to regret for the rest of your life?” 

“The only time he’s ever been like that was right after his father died.” Natalie looked so tired, Pax realized. He’d probably done that too. “It was the other way around—first isolating himself, then working to exhaustion. But it was the same reaction. The reason I’m telling you that is because I know he won’t tell you, and I want you to understand how much you matter to him. Next time you think that he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him, I want you to remember that. He loves you.” 

“I will.” Pax nodded, tears falling. “I love him too.”

“I know you do. And I’m not going to tell you that you can’t be with him or anything like that. But I am going to tell you that if you hurt him like that again I will have you put off the ship.” 

“I understand.” Pax said, sniffing. “I won’t. I won’t hurt him again, I promised him I wouldn’t.” 

Natalie’s expression softened, finally. “We always hurt the people we love, Pax. You’re not a bad person. We all make mistakes.”

“I’ve made a lot.” Pax wiped at his eyes, trying to clear them. “And most of them seem to involve Nate.”

“That’s the way it should be. You’ll do better. You both will.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Okay.” Natalie stood. “I’m the captain again now. Take some time to get your sea legs again. And then get to work. I won’t tolerate freeloaders.” 

Pax nodded, standing. “Yes, sir. Thank you, Captain.”

“You’re welcome, crewman. And Pax.” He looked at her. “It sounds to me like you’ve never had a home. I’d offer you one, but actually I’m not giving you a choice.” 

Staring at her for a minute, Pax grinned like a fool. “Thank you. On that note, I have some suggestions for how we might redecorate.”

Laughing, Natalie opened the door for him. “Welcome back, Pax.” And she followed Pax out. Nate was milling around on the deck, visibly nervous. He started over when he saw Pax, but Pax met him halfway in a hug. 

“Pax, are you…”

“I’m fine.” Pax said, and he got on his toes and gave Nate a kiss. “It’s okay.” 

“You look like you were crying again.”

“I’m in touch with my emotional side, it’s healthier than bottling up your feelings, Nate. Which reminds me, I love you.” 

“What?”

“Did I stutter, or…”

Nate laughed. “Yesterday it was ‘I think I love you.’ What happened?”

“I thought about it some more.” Pax said, smiling. “I love you. And the captain gave her blessing for me to date you, not that there’s really anywhere on the ship for us to go on dates, so I guess we’re not dating so much as just being romantically involved, but that’s okay because I like the ship anyway and I don’t need to go anywhere to be in a relationship with you.”

“She…Mom!” 

“That’s ‘Captain’ to you, sailor.” Natalie called as she made her way to the helm. A couple of the crew were in hearing and were now openly laughing at them. 

Nate sighed, rested his forehead against Pax’s. “What did she say to you?”

“A cabin boy can’t break the captain’s confidence, Nate.” Pax said, scandalized.

“God…” Nate laughed. “I missed you.”

“Me too.” Pax paused, looking around. “She told me to take some time to find my sea legs before getting back to work.” He said to Nate, smiling conspiratorially as if everyone wasn’t paying attention to them. “So I was going to go look for them. They must be around here somewhere.”

“I’m sure they are.” It seemed like Nate didn’t quite follow.

“Usually,” Pax said, to help him along, “you find legs in pants. So maybe you could come and help me look in mine, see if they’re in there?” The grin that graced Nate’s face at that point told Pax his meaning had finally been taken, but he went on. “We can check in yours at the same time, just in case. We do want to be thorough.”

“Yeah.” Nate said, and Pax tugged on him to get him to move towards their cabin. “That’s a good idea, let’s do that.” 

“If there’s time, we could check more than once, just to be extra-sure.”

“There’ll be time. I know a guy who can get us excused from duty for at least an hour.” 

“Sounds good.” There was no way everyone on deck didn’t know what they were doing, even if they couldn’t hear the conversation, but Pax found as the and Nate pulled each other towards their cabin that he didn’t care. 

The ocean was calm, the world was wide open around them, and Pax was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter seems ending-y, but the story is not over, just to be super clear, haha.


	21. It's Not So Much Returning to Normal as it Is Making a New Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The triumphant return! I wanted to give these two a nice long break after the trip on the Sadness Express, but I'm glad to be able to finally come back to them.

“I feel like we’ve been here before,” Pax said to the clear blue sky. 

“Nope,” Nate said from somewhere above him. “Well, the ship’s been here before. You and I haven’t.”

“Are you sure?” Pax asked. “Because the ocean all looks the same and I distinctly remember being on this ship and it being too hot to do anything. It shouldn’t be this hot on open water. Especially not at this latitude. It would be one thing if we were still in the tropics, but this far north it should be nice and cool on the ocean. So either whatever has caused this is happening in direct opposition to the world’s temperature control or we’re actually still in the tropics, which would be a more simple solution, and I’m not doubting your navigational skills, Nate, but I have to ask just to make sure, are you absolutely, totally, completely sure we haven’t gone south again?” 

“I’m absolutely, totally, completely sure, Pax,” Nate said, smiling. Pax couldn’t actually see him smiling because Pax was laying on the deck and Nate was standing at the helm, but he could hear the smile in Nate’s voice. He’d been hearing it a lot lately. 

“Okay.” Pax sighed, sat up with difficulty and took off his shirt, damp from sweat, and tossed it aside. It didn’t help all that much. 

“You should go in the cabin for a while.”

“I might,” Pax considered. “But it’s hot there too and then who will I talk to in order to pass the endless hours? Heat really slows down the progression of time, you know. It’s a well-studied fact, there’s a good treatise on it written by this mime and if you’ve never read anything written by a mime, well, you’re not missing anything, Nate, because they’re incomprehensible.” 

He heard Nate chuckle at the helm. “Don’t laugh, it’s true.”

“I know it is,” Nate said, and Pax could still hear him smiling. “I’m really glad you’re back, Pax.”

Pax coloured a little (a little more, he was already pretty red from the fact that the sun was trying to boil his blood in his arteries). “You say that every day,” he muttered.

“It’s true every day.” 

“I know.” Pax couldn’t think of anything in the world that was more valuable to him than knowing that. “I’m glad I came back too.” 

“I know,” Nate answered, and Pax heard his footfalls as he came over and sat down next to him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Now Pax smiled up at Nate, wishing he hadn’t lain back down after taking off his shirt. He wanted to sit back up again now that Nate was there. “But you really should be driving the ship.” 

“The ship basically drives itself.” Nate gave Pax a hand and helped him sit. Nate wasn’t wearing a shirt either, which was a look that he wore way too well. 

“I guess.” Pax sighed, and leaned down to roll up his pantlegs as far as they would go in the hopes that it would help. There was a little bit of a wind, at least. Sitting up was actually better than laying down since he wasn’t on the hot deck boards anymore. “It should drive itself somewhere cooler.”

“You could just take them off,” Nate suggested, looking at the pants with eyebrows raised and smirk in place. 

Pax licked his lips a little, looking at Nate and then around to see who else was nearby. A few of the crew were down on the deck, but not too many. “I’ve thought about it,” he admitted. It had been hot like this the last few days and every day Pax had thought about just taking off his clothes and being done with it. He wouldn’t have been the only crew member who did—he’d seen Pig naked so many times that seeing him with clothes on seemed strange, and just about everyone had at some point or another when they’d been down in the tropics for the winter. Nobody cared all that much. 

“Not making you,” Nate added.

“I’m…” Pax shifted a little, leaning back on his hands. “I’m thinking about it. I’m not quite there yet.” He knew nobody would care. But he would care, a little. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Nate smiled at Pax, put a hand on his knee. “No problem with it. Besides, I like having you to myself, so….”

Pax smiled a little in response, a false shyness that Nate fell for every time. “One of the reasons I’m not sure I can is because I’m not sure how you’ll react,” he said coyly. “Who knows what lurid things you’d start doing to me in front of everyone, and we still need to be taken seriously by the crew.”

Nate made a face. “We’re taken very seriously by the crew.”

“The crew thinks we’re a couple of horny teenagers.” Honestly, you get caught sneaking off to kiss (Pax was comfortable calling it kissing if that was the main activity; it didn’t matter where their hands were while that was happening, where one’s hands were didn’t define them as people) one or two dozen times and suddenly it was all labels and scorn. Nate really needed to learn circumspection. 

“Well…”

“Don’t,” Pax suggested, holding up a hand. “Anyway, I’m worried about that, because even if you don’t manage to do anything, you’ll think about it and you’ll be walking funny all day because of it and it will be noticeable because you have no shame, and then I’ll notice and I won’t be wearing pants, so my noticing it will be even more noticeable, and the long and short of this is that we’d spend all of our time in the cabin.”

“I’d be okay with that.” Nate grinned.

“Me too,” Pax muttered, because he’d like nothing more than to just spend time alone with Nate forever. He was getting a boner just from this conversation and resisted the urge to hide it because Nate was the only one who could see and he kind of liked that Nate could see that. “But I think the captain wouldn’t be.”

“Maybe not,” Nate admitted, sighing as he leaned back like Pax, making it very clear to Pax that he was getting hard too. “So I guess I can’t take my pants off either, then?”

“No.” Pax shook his head vigorously. “For the same reason. Who knows what I’d do. I’ve got a lot of self-control but that self-control has one weak point and I’m pretty sure you’re it, so you should just take responsibility for that and wear pants when there are people.”

“So what you’re saying is, you want to go back to the cabin?” Nate asked, glancing over his shoulder in that direction, as if gauging how far it was. 

Pax knew how far it was; he’d counted the steps. “Yes,” he admitted. “But we shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because…well, I’m sure there’s a good reason somewhere.” 

“Do you want to go look for it in the cabin?” Nate asked, smirking again.

Pax was silent for a long moment. They really shouldn’t, it was unprofessional and everyone was going to make fun of them and really, they were just proving everyone right if they couldn’t get through one day without sneaking off and Pax hated letting other people be right. “Yes.” He sighed, stood labouriously, and gave Nate a hand to pull him to his feet as well. 

Pax gathered his discarded shirt and the two of them made their way down from the helm to the cabin, ignoring the looks they got from the crew. Someone outright catcalled them, and Pax was pretty sure it was Tyke. Someone was going to get the strings of their hammock cut, and Pax was pretty sure it was Tyke.

“There you are.” Pax resisted the urge to wince at the captain’s voice, and he heard Nate sigh beside him. They turned to face her, and Pax had the presence of mind to hold his shirt in front of himself to hide the state he was in. Nate didn’t try. “I’ve been looking for you,” Natalie said to Nate. 

“I’ve been at the helm, Captain.” 

“Supposedly, sure.” Natalie smiled, and there was no way she didn’t know what they’d been about to go do. “I wanted to talk to you about the new crew.”

“Right now?”

“Yes,” Natalie said, beckoning Nate over. “Why, were you busy?” 

“Yes, I….”

“No, he wasn’t.” Pax shoved Nate forward, trying not to glare at his captain. 

“I really was.”

“Nothing that can’t wait.” In a lower voice, he added, “Trust me, it’s not going anywhere.” 

Nate gave him an apologetic look, before going to join the captain. “See you later, Pax.”

“I’m not going anywhere either,” Pax promised.

“I know.” And Nate and the captain left, and Pax sighed, shifting uncomfortably as he was left standing there. 

Still, he thought, that this was the biggest of his problems meant that everything was okay. Every day, he was glad he was back.


	22. It's All About That Work-Life Balance

The water was cold and sudden and had Pax leaping backwards with a yelp. Dripping, Pax turned around and threw a murderous glare at Leftie, who was standing there, holding an empty bucket, and grinning down at him. 

“Captain’s orders,” he said.

“I highly doubt that the captain ordered you to harass me,” Pax shot back, glaring all the harder when Leftie didn’t wilt under it. 

“She ordered me to cool you off whenever you get too hot.” 

“This is discrimination. You’re fired. Nate—fire him.”

“You’re fired, Leftie,” Nate said, from behind Pax, still leaning up against the wall Pax had pushed him against. 

“Not my fault you two can’t keep it in your pants.”

“Everything that is supposed to be in our pants is in our pants,” Pax squeaked, pointing at his pants in case Leftie didn’t know where they were, and then wishing he hadn’t because he had a boner and it was probably obvious. “Now since you clearly can’t tell the difference between when everything is where it’s meant to be and when it’s not, you are suspended from throwing-water-on-Pax duty until further notice and I’ll be lodging a complaint with the captain.”

“Whatever you say, dormouse.”

“Dismissed, sailor.” Pax turned with a growl and stalked to the main deck, wishing his face weren’t burning hot despite the cold water and wishing that the cold water had actually done what cold water was supposed to do to a body when it had hit him. The least Leftie could do would be to get a bigger bucket.

“You okay?” Nate asked, catching up to him.

“I’m fine.” Pax didn’t mean to snap. “I just need people to keep their noses out of our business.” It wasn’t like they’d been doing anything. Just kissing, a little bit. A lot of a little bit, maybe. And maybe they’d been kissing a little bit of a lot of a little bit lately but that was fine, who cared, why did anyone care what he and Nate did, you were supposed to kiss people who you were in love with. 

Everyone could see that they were dripping wet and they were going to know why. Pax glared at the helm, where Natalie was standing with her compass out, and started in that direction. 

“Pax…”

“I’m going to talk to her.”

“Let me do it.”

“She’s your mother, that would be weird.”

“You don’t think it’s weird for _you_ to talk to my mother about our sex life?”

Pax paused. “Well, I was planning to couch it in terms of Leftie’s professionalism. Besides, she has maternal instincts or something. If you try to talk to her she’ll talk you out of dating me.”

She probably wouldn’t, but at the same time it was pretty clear to Pax that she didn’t want them having sex. 

“How about we talk to her together, hm?”

Pax thought about it for a second. His anger was already starting to fade and was already getting replaced by embarrassment. “Fine,” he muttered, trying to re-summon that anger and marching up to the helm with Nate in tow. “Captain.”

“Boys,” Natalie said, glancing at them quickly before looking back out at the ocean. “Glad to see you’re not neglecting your hygiene.” 

“This isn’t funny,” Pax told her, still dripping.

“I’m finding it pretty funny.”

“Captain,” Nate said, in quite a reasonable tone. “If you don’t want Pax and I touching each other, just say so. Why this passive-aggressive crap?”

“Because I think you two ought to have been smart enough to realize it without me saying it.”

“You were okay with us being in a relationship before,” Pax reminded her. “Why do you care so much now? This is a normal thing that happens in relationships, you know. I mean, not for everyone, some people don’t like sex—not that we were having sex—but the point is that lots of people like to have…touching in their relationships and you shouldn’t go around telling people they can’t do that.”

The captain took her eyes of the water now and fixed her gaze on both of them. “You’re both on duty right now,” she reminded them. “Or did you forget that both of you have jobs on this ship?”

“Ah.” Pax felt the anger totally fade now, and the colour flooding his face was now completely embarrassment-related. “Well, no.”

“Good. I don’t care what or who either of you do when you’re not on duty, but when you are, I expect you both to behave, keep your hands to yourselves and do your damn jobs.” 

“Well.” Pax crossed his arms. “That’s…not unreasonable, I suppose.” He had known that. He really had. He just had…seen Nate and not really cared. 

“I guess not,” Nate muttered behind him. At least he had the grace to sound embarrassed, which he should. “Sorry, Captain.”

“So I trust we won’t have to repeat this conversation?” 

“No, sir.” 

“No, Captain,” Pax grumbled, looking away. “Sorry.”

“No need to apologize—the whole point of being young is to do stupid shit. And the whole point of having kids is to embarrass them when they do.” Natalie smiled at them. “I’m glad you’re happy. But we still have a ship to sail. Dismissed, crewmen.”

Annoyed with himself now—Natalie had given him a home, the least he could do was the job she’d hired him to do—Pax turned and shuffled away. Nate put a hand on his shoulder as he did. “We’ll be off-duty soon.”

“Three hours and twenty-six minutes,” Pax answered. 

“But who’s counting.”

“I am.” He sighed. “I’m going to go do the captain’s laundry. And yours.” 

“I guess I’ll inspect the crew, then. See you in three hours and twenty-six minutes.”

It was just a generic promise and they would probably see each other a bunch of times before then, but Pax couldn’t help the jolt that went through him at that, and nodded as he and Nate broke apart to work.

Pax did the laundry, and then he cleaned the captain’s room and then went to the galley and did dishes for Cedric, and there was still an hour left when he was done that so he did an inspection of the cargo as well, which was technically Nate’s job, but whatever. Someone had to do it and Pax needed something to do. Something mindless, since his mind was occupied with thoughts about…things. Like kissing Nate. And eventually he got frustrated just thinking about kissing Nate so he started trying to think of something else but it seemed like he was stuck in that rut and all that happened was now he was thinking about kissing Nate in places that weren’t his mouth, and yes, it was a good thing that he wasn’t doing anything too intellectually exhausting. 

The inspection went a little over time and by the time he finished his shift was definitely over, but Pax made extra careful not to appear too eager to get back to their cabin, because he was responsible, and respectable, and could easily go hours or even days without seeing or touching Nate if he had to, it wasn’t really that big a deal.

Nate wasn’t in the cabin when Pax got there, and that was annoying. Pax wasn’t going to go back out there and look for him—it would look too obvious. He was probably just caught up in a work thing or something. So Pax sat down on the bed and tried to be patient.

It was hard (at least something wasn’t), but fortunately he only had to wait about five minutes before Nate barged into the room, a little out of breath. “Sorry,” he said, smiling dopily at Pax. “I got stuck arbitrating an argument.”

“You’d better have arbitrated it all the way.” Pax stood as Nate closed the door behind him. “I wouldn’t want strife on the crew on my account.”

“Of course.” Nate held out his arms and Pax went into the them, gently pushing Nate against the door to bring their mouths together, and that was the end of the conversation for a good several minutes. 

When Pax pulled away for air, Nate held him by the arms as they breathed. “I missed you,” Nate muttered.

“I didn’t go anywhere.”

“I know, but I still missed you.” 

“Yeah.” Pax kissed Nate on the neck. “I missed you too. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Nate kissed Pax on the forehead. 

“Can I take off your pants?” Pax asked, pulling Nate back from the door and guiding him to the bed. 

“You really don’t need to ask, Pax.” Nate grinned. “Can I take off yours?”

“Obviously.” Pax sat Nate down, climbed partially on top of him, started kissing Nate’s collarbone. “After, though. I want to try something.”

“Try what?” Nate asked, squirming pleasantly under Pax.

“I want to kiss you in places that aren’t your mouth.”

Nate went a little stiff at that, staring at Pax as he coloured from his collarbone to his eyes. “Really? Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure, Nate, I’m very careful like that, I’m sure you’ve noticed.” It seemed like Nate wasn’t objecting, so Pax kissed him on the neck, and then on the collar. 

“Well. Yes. You should do that, then.”

“You’re not the most eloquent speaker.” Pax lifted Nate’s shirt to get it out of the way. 

“I feel like when I return the favour after you won’t be either.” Nate sounded nice and out of breath, which Pax liked. 

“Hm, we’ll see,” Pax muttered, pausing on Nate’s nipples for a minute, which completely silenced Nate anyway. 

He made his way down after that, gently tugging Nate’s pants, and Nate obligingly raised his hips to help lower them. And there it was, right in front of Pax’s face. Nate was clearly eager, and Pax didn’t make him wait any longer, giving him a nice kiss on the head that had him gasping for air up there. 

But the desire for kissing was really just an elaborate façade Pax had put up to disguise his true plan, and now it was time to carry that out. So he opened his mouth and covered Nate with it, sucking lightly as he went. He had never done this before but he was sure it couldn’t be that hard, so he just sort of sucked on Nate and tried to taste him with his tongue as he went, and that seemed to be working, so he kept going.

Until the door banged open. “Nate…oh.” 

Pax let Nate out of his mouth, resting his head for a minute on Nate’s belly. Nate didn’t seem inclined to say much. 

“Well,” Natalie said. “When you’re done…”

“No,” Pax said, standing up and turning to face her. Frustration was making him brave at the moment. “We’re off duty, we did all our work for today. We’re legally entitled to time off and if we’re not then I’ll be writing to the king next time we’re in port. And we’re busy, so you can have Nate after _I’m_ done with him, Captain.” 

Natalie looked at Pax for a minute, then chuckled. “Of course. Sorry to intrude.” And she backed out of the room (which was good because Pax didn’t want to incur whatever punishment came from bodily forcing the captain out of a room) and Pax shut the door as soon as she was over the threshold. 

“Pax…” Nate said, as Pax turned back to him and got back on the bed.

“I know,” Pax interrupted, trying to pretend that Nate’s mother hadn’t just walked in on them. “It’s her ship, but it’s also _our_ cabin.”

“I was going to say thank you.” 

“Well…you’re welcome.” Pax wasn’t sure what else to say. He hoped Natalie wasn’t mad at him.. “I’m going to go back to what I was doing now—which was you, in case you forgot.”

“I didn’t forget.”

“Good.” Pax nodded to himself, and he got back down and got back on Nate. 

It was hard to keep his teeth out of the way, Pax thought as he sucked on Nate some more. A flaw in the way human mouths were designed, he supposed. But he’d get better at it; Pax couldn’t tolerate being bad at things, though the way Nate was reacting up there made Pax think he must not be that terrible after all. 

Nate completely surprised Pax when he came, and Pax wasn’t able to keep all the mess in his mouth. He swallowed some, but ended up with first mate juice all down his chin when he looked up at Nate. “Oh, God.” Nate said as he met Pax’s eyes. “Well, I know what I’m going to be dreaming about for the next few years.”

“Why dream about it when the real thing is right here?” Pax asked innocently. 

Nate smiled down at him. “That was amazing. Do you want a turn?” 

“Why did you phrase that as a question? Of course I want a turn.” Pax had been mostly ignoring his own problems for a while now, but he was near painfully hard in his pants after all of this. 

They switched positions, Nate helping Pax undress as they did, and when Pax was leaning back on the bed, Nate in between his legs, Pax said, “Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I see what you mean.” He clarified, looking down at Nate looking up at him like that. “This is the nicest thing I think I’ve ever seen.”

“Hold that thought,” Nate suggested with a grin, moving lower. “Let’s see if I can change your mind.”

He did.


	23. Doors Were Made to Be Opened, Except When They Weren’t

_Alright._

Pax put the plate down in front of the door, politely knocked one time, and then walked away, just like he had several times a day since they’d set out from White Cape. 

She was going to have to open the door eventually. 

Sitting himself on a barrel far enough from the cabin door that he wouldn’t be noticed, Pax set himself to watching the door to the starboard cabin that housed their passenger, determined not to move until he saw it open and saw her come out to take the plate. 

She never came out of her cabin—which was fine, Pax could understand not liking strangers—but recently he’d started to notice that not only did she never come out onto the deck, their mysterious passenger had never actually been seen by anyone but the captain when she’d paid upfront for passage across the ocean.

That seemed highly improbable to Pax. She had to be opening and closing the door to get the food he was leaving for her, and unless she’d brought her own chamberpot, she must be coming out for at least a few minutes every day. Even if she had a chamberpot in there, Pax hoped she was cleaning it on occasion. 

The plates were always sitting outside the door empty later in the day, so he knew she wasn’t dead. People who were mysterious were just asking to have people solve the mystery—something Pax knew from personal experience. So he was going to solve the mystery if he had to sit here in the sun all day and wait. 

It was a clear day, though the wind was up and that took some of the heat off, enough that Pax didn’t feel like dying with his shirt on, anyway. And Nate was down in the cargo hold doing something, so he wasn’t likely to get distracted while doing this. 

“Hey.”

Or maybe not. Pax turned to Pig briefly. “Hi,” he said, turning his attention back to the door. 

“Are you the one who assigned me night watch duty tomorrow?”

“No, Nate did that,” Pax said, absently. Nate had gotten a lot better about schedules since Pax had shown him how to do it. And true to Pax’s prediction, the newly-instituted structure was appreciated by the crew, who now knew in advance when they were expected to work. 

“Oh, okay.” Pig sighed. “Can I switch it with someone else? Do it tonight instead?”

“Sure.” Pax didn’t care, as long as someone was doing it. Still no movement from the door. “Peak and Jade are on tonight, I’m sure one of them would switch with you.”

“What, really, just like that?” Pig asked, straightening a little. 

“What, were you expecting me to set up an obstacle course?”

“Well, kind of.” Pig blinked at Pax. “Okay, thanks.”

“You’re welcome. You shouldn’t assume that I’m miserly, you know—which means uncharitable. As long as you’re not trying to get out of it completely, it doesn’t matter to me when you do the work, but you got hired to do a job and you should do it. But at the same time, there’s flexibility for people’s personal wants and needs, this ship isn’t a tyrannical dictatorship. Well…” Pax considered. “I guess it technically _is_ , but the captain is pretty okay and I’m here to mitigate her more autocratical tendencies anyway, so you’ll all be fine. You should show me more appreciation for the hard labour that I stave off for all of you on a daily basis; I’m honestly not sure what any of you did before I got here. What do you need the night switched for, anyway?”

“Uh…no reason,” Pig said, backing away from Pax a bit. “Thanks, though. I appreciate it.”

Pax turned to Pig, narrowing his eyes. “You should know by now that if you try to act mysterious all that’s going to happen is that I’m going to want to know what’s going on.”

“It’s nothing, it’s not a big deal. I just would rather get it out of the way, that’s all.”

“You’re lying,” Pax accused. “I know, because I know a thing or two about lying, and you’re not very good at it. You must have plans tomorrow night.” 

“Not really.” 

“Ah.” Pax nodded. Pig was probably telling the truth about that—because he had to know that Pax wouldn’t have any qualms about following him all night to prove that wrong. Which meant it was more that he specifically wanted to be on night duty tonight. “It’s because you want to be on duty with Jade, isn’t it?” 

“No!” Pig went red in the face, and all down his neck to his bare shoulders. “Yes.”

“Aha.” Pax nodded, triumphant. Pig and Jade had been spending a lot of time together lately. “Well, okay.”

“What?”

“I said okay. I just wanted to know, I wasn’t going to stop you.” Pax smiled at him. “Besides, I think I’ve effectively surrendered the moral high ground when it comes to the ‘dating other crew members’ issue.” 

“It’s true, you guys are hilarious.” 

“I _can_ make sure you get stuck on opposite shifts from her forever, you know.”

“In a good way!” Pig clarified. “It’s cute. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Me too,” Pax said, sighing a little. “Are you and Jade happy too?”

“So far.”

“Good. You should try to stay that way. I’ve found it does a lot for one’s overall mood. The being happy thing.” 

“You don’t say.” Pig smiled kind of dopily. Pax hoped _he_ didn’t look like that when he was thinking about Nate. “Anyway, thanks. I’ll get out of your way. What are you doing, anyway?” 

“I’m waiting to see if our passenger is a real person,” Pax told him, pointing over at the door. “Don’t tell any…fuck.” 

The plate in front of the door was now empty. Pax frowned at it from the barrel, as if encouraging it to come over and explain why. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen her, you know.”

“Neither have I, and mysteries just make me curious.” Part of Pax wanted to blame Pig for distracting him, but there was something more to it than that. He hadn’t heard the door open or close, and he wasn’t that far away. 

“I’m sure she’s not dangerous or anything.”

“I’m sure.” Pax nodded. “But the last time there was a mysterious stranger on the ship, he started sleeping with the first mate, and I’m not in the market to have my boyfriend stolen.” 

Pig laughed. “Okay, well, don’t piss her off. She is a paying passenger, after all. Captain told us all to stay out of her way.”

“She’ll never know I’m watching her,” Pax promised. “I’m very discreet.” 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed. You’re super inconspicuous with your hand down Nate’s pants.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Pax slid off the barrel, thinking. “I have an idea.”

“Okay, well I’m going to get back to work before I get yelled at. Good luck with that.”

“Nice chat, Pig,” Pax said, watching the door for another minute before moving off for his cabin. 

In there he hunted up his bag, basically untouched since he’d come back to the _Sparkling Wind,_ and opened it, moving the things in it aside as he looked for that little hand mirror. The only explanation was that the passenger was some sort of magic practitioner, and if that was true, he might at least be able to see some hint of it, and he wouldn’t have to drive himself crazy with the possibility that she was sneakier than he was.

The fancy knife and the strange little crown were still in there as well, which Pax had forgotten about. He moved those aside to get to the pack containing his tools, where he’d bundled his little mirror.

He left the bag open in the corner and went back out onto the deck, pausing for a moment to notice how pretty the ocean was, and then making his way back to the starboard cabin as if he was just going to take away the plate. Which he was. 

As he bent to do that, though, Pax held up the mirror and saw that yes, he was still smart, the passenger hadn’t outsnuck him, because she’d cheated--there was a glow of magic around the dishes. And the door. There was a web of wards on the door, much more complex than what he’d broken through back at Philip’s manor in Merket. Pax crouched there for a minute, looking at it, the writhing web of magic that had been put up around the door. It was kind of pretty. Even with his magic lockpick, he doubted he could get through it. 

Not that he needed to get through it, though doors that supposedly couldn’t be opened always kind of annoyed Pax. But he could restrain himself in this case, since he’d get in trouble with Natalie if he broke into their passenger’s room. And possibly turned into a frog or something. 

“Hm,” Pax said to himself as he gathered up the dishes and headed off for the galley. The problem was, now he was _really_ curious.


	24. Being Open about the Past Is Important in a Healthy Relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tiny bit of sad in this one.

Pax liked the crow’s nest. He liked the whole ship, the _Sparkling Wind_ was a very nice ship and it was his home now, and all of it was very nice even if the cargo hold was full of stuff and hard to move around in, and even if Pig and Jade were sometimes having sex in various places where they assumed Pax wasn’t going to accidentally wander in, and even if he wasn’t allowed to go in the mysterious passenger’s cabin. But the whole ship, nice as it was, had a lot of people on it, everywhere all the time, and sometimes Pax wanted to be by himself, so he liked the crow’s nest for that, it was a nice, socially acceptable excuse to be by himself for a while when he happened to get scheduled for lookout duty, totally by coincidence, by the very charming cabin boy who did most of the ship’s scheduling.

It also wasn’t as bloody hot up here; there was a nice wind that kept the worst of the heat off. Made up for the fact that there were sometimes birds. 

Being the lookout was a bit beneath Pax’s skill level, but at the same time it was a pretty important job to make sure that there weren’t pirates or sea monsters or islands that were about to hit the ship. Pax kept a good eye on the surrounding ocean to make sure it didn’t do anything fishy—ha, he’d have to drop that one into conversation with Nate some day, Nate would think that was funny—and all in all just sort of enjoyed being alone for a bit. 

But only for a bit, because after he’d been up here for about an hour, a hand came over the side of the crow’s nest, and it was followed by an arm and by a person, and that person was Nate, and Pax smiled, and helped him up. “Hello.”

“Hi. I thought you could use some company.”

Pax resisted the urge to point out that Nate also had a job, and it wasn’t a job that required him to be up here. “I’m okay. It’s nice to have a little while alone sometimes, is all.”

A worried look crossed Nate’s face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Pax was fine. He just wasn’t up for a lot of people at the moment. “Just making sure there’s nothing fishy out in the ocean.”

Nate laughed, though Pax had flubbed the delivery a bit. “Do you want me to go?”

Pax thought about that. “No, that’s okay. You can stay. I don’t mind a little bit of company, especially if the company is you. I like you, you know.”

“I like you too. I love you, actually.”

“I love you too.” Pax smiled, and Nate gave him a kiss, and then Pax smiled some more, giving the ocean another scan to make sure nothing had popped up out of nowhere. 

“I sometimes spend time alone up here too, you know,” Nate said, looking out at the ocean with Pax. There wasn’t really a lot of room in here for both of them, so they were a bit pressed. But it was nice. 

“Do you?” Pax asked, looking at Nate. He wasn’t really the ‘alone time’ type, as far as Pax knew. 

“Yeah. Not often.” Nate shrugged. “Sometimes. I think everyone does. I used to spend a lot of time up here when I was younger.” He paused, and Pax could see him thinking carefully about something. Nate tended to play his emotions out on his face. Rather than poking at him, Pax just waited quietly until Nate was ready to say whatever it was. “I, um, lost my virginity up here, actually.”

Well, Pax hadn’t been expecting _that_. “Really?” Pax wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that. He looked around the crow’s nest. “Seems like it would be a bit cramped for that.”

Why was Nate bringing this up?

“A little.” Nate chuckled. “We made do. Um. I was younger, obviously. It was a while ago.”

“I can’t believe you brought someone all the way up here when you had a perfectly good cabin. There are birds up here, you know.”

Nate nodded. “It sort of just happened. Um. Is it okay if I talk about this? I don’t want to be weird and freak you out.”

Pax thought about it. It was a bit weird, but at the same time, he supposed it was better for Nate to tell him about this than for it to be some strange secret or something. Now that it had been brought up, he was going to wonder. So he nodded. “Sure.”

Nate took a deep breath, watching the ocean. There wasn’t much out there except for water and probably some fish underneath it. “Her name was Cecelia. She was my best friend. She was Cedric’s daughter.”

Pax frowned. “Cedric has a daughter?”

“Not anymore,” Nate said quietly. 

Oh. “I’m sorry.” Trust him to make a stupid comment. 

Nate took Pax’s hand before continuing. “We grew up together. She was a year older than me, I think? We were the only kids on the ship, so you know. Obviously we were friends, and everything. I really liked her. I loved her. Not…not the way I love you. It wasn’t the same. I didn’t know that at the time, obviously, but it was something a little different.”

“You don’t need to explain yourself, Nate,” Pax told him, though he was trying not to picture Nate with someone else. “I’m not going to get mad about someone you knew before you ever met me.” That, the rational side of Pax realized, would be silly. 

“I know.” Nate took Pax’s hand up and kissed it. “Anyway, the details don’t matter, but we were up here talking about something and we sort of decided that we should try this thing that everyone was always on about.”

Pax chuckled a little at that. 

“I think we thought we were being quiet and subtle,” Nate said, laughing a little himself. “But probably not really. I mean, I don’t think we’d been down on the deck five minutes before my dad dragged me away for a really long talk about what it meant to grow up and how to treat girls.” 

“I hope he included a section on how to treat boys,” Pax muttered, not sure what to say. Nate had literally never once mentioned his father before now. 

“Not really, but he did tell me that boys were just as good as girls if I ended up liking them too.” Nate smiled a bit wryly. “Good thing. Then mom dragged me away and had a really long talk with me about responsibility and respect and how not to be an asshole.” 

“Sounds like a long day.” It sounded absolutely mortifying to Pax, and he was glad he’d never had to go through it. 

“It was, but…” Nate shrugged. “I also had a much shorter talk with Cedric that was mostly a series of promises.”

“I’ll bet.” Having had a similar talk with Natalie, Pax could relate to that one. “It’s enough to make you never want to have sex again.”

“You’d be surprised how much it would have taken to make me never want to have sex again.”

“I have a sex drive too, Nate, I don’t think I’d be surprised. I lost my virginity in a barn.”

Nate broke into a grin. “Why am I not surprised?”

Pax gave him a look. “I’d hurt my leg jumping out a window, and hitched a ride on a cart to get out of a city called Endwan. They noticed I’d paid the lord a visit earlier than I planned and some guards were catching up with everyone on the road to search the carts, so I had to limp away at top speed.”

“That must have been a sight.”

“Probably. I got away, though. I ended up breaking into this barn for the night because my leg hurt to much to go any farther. The farmer found me in about ten minutes, which was embarrassing. But she let me stay there until my leg healed.”

Nate nodded. “That was nice of her.”

“Yeah. She had a son who was about my age. He was…also very nice.” Pax coloured a little, looking up at the sky. He cleared his throat. “His name was Grant. I felt better after the first night, but I stayed for three days.” Nobody had given Pax talks about responsibility or how to treat people. 

Still smiling, Nate squeezed Pax’s hand. “Poor boy is probably still pining after you to this day.”

“I hope not. The competition has him beat.” Pax smiled, looking down at the water. “Can I ask what happened to Cecelia?” 

Nate’s smiled faded now, and for a minute Pax thought he might not answer. “There was a storm. We were near some islands, and it kicked up out of nowhere. At first we weren’t worried, storms happen. But it was…a big deal. The ship almost capsized. We got dashed against some rocks, and we were taking on all kinds of water. We lost…a lot of people. Cecelia went overboard. The railing broke, and a piece of it hit my dad in the throat. He suffocated.” Nate’s voice started to waver. Pax didn’t know what to do, so he wrapped his arms around Nate and held him. “We ran onto the island, fortunately, so we didn’t sink. We got rescued a while later, got hauled back to shore. For a while it looked like we’d never sail again, not because the ship couldn’t, but because we couldn’t.” 

“But you did,” Pax told him. 

“We did, eventually.” Nate nodded. He moved out from under Pax’s arms, wiping at his eyes. “Anyway, I…wanted you to know about that. And about her. I thought it was only fair that I tell you.”

“Thank you.” Pax gave Nate a kiss on the forehead. “I appreciate you telling me.”

Nate smiled, squeezed Pax’s hand. “She would have liked you. My dad too.”

“You think so?” It shouldn’t have mattered to Pax, but it did, in a strange way. 

“I do. You would have liked them too. Anyway, I didn’t mean to come up here and depress you.”

“No, it’s okay.” Pax tugged on Nate’s hand. “I want to know things about you, Nate. If you want to talk about them. I want you to know all about me—and you’ve known me long enough to know how big a deal that is—and I want to know all about you too. Can you tell me more about her, or your dad?” Pax wanted to know about this other person who had made Nate. He wanted to know about Nate. 

“Sure.” Nate sat down a little lower, got comfortable. Pax gave the ocean one more scan before sitting beside him. “He and my mom never actually got married, but I’ll tell you some of the stories he told me about how he tried to convince her to do it.” 

As Nate told the story, Pax snuggled up to him and listened. And it felt nice. Sometimes he wanted to be alone. But, he was learning, sometimes he also wanted to be alone with Nate.


	25. Sometimes Sad Stories Need to Be Told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is (Jesus Christ) chapter 200 of the overall series (excluding the modern AU). And once again, I failed to do anything special or impressive, but anyway. I'm just going to keep chugging along and maybe I'll do something noteworthy at 300. But I will take a moment to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has read any part of this series, you are all wonderful and I appreciate you all. :)

“I just wonder who she is, that’s all.” 

“Your curiousity is going to get you killed someday, son.”

“It hasn’t yet,” Pax said, wondering if this dirty rag was really the best thing for him to be drying dishes with. They were probably getting all gross again. But then, Pax wasn’t sure that the water Cedric was ostensibly washing them it was all that clean either. “Which I think you must have noticed, judging by all the being alive that I’m doing right here in front of you. I’m very alive, and suggesting that I’m a ghost or a zombie is offensive—not to me, it’s not offensive to be called undead—but to the undead, who don’t deserve the suggestion that someone a little offbeat is somehow among their number by virtue of that. You should really be more sensitive, Cedric.” 

“A little offbeat, are you?”

“I’ve never had much use for beets. They taste funny.” 

“I’m with you on that one, kid.”

“You’re a cook,” Pax accused. “You’re supposed to have a more refined palate than that.”

Cedric shrugged, sending water from the pot all over the floor and Pax’s bare feet. “It’s not like this place is a palace.”

“I’d rather live here than in a palace anyway.” Pax didn’t mean to say that out loud, but oh well. Saying things out loud that he hadn’t meant to was practically Pax’s main identifying characteristic. That and his brevity of speech, of course. 

“Me too.”

Pax nodded, reaching for a ladle to dry. “Nate, um. Told me about your daughter.”

He wasn’t sure why he wanted to bring this up. Maybe part of him felt bad. He wasn’t sure. 

Cedric was looking at him out of his lone eye. Which was a feat, since Pax was on his blind side. Pax resisted the urge to twitch, knowing he was under scrutiny. “I wondered,” Cedric finally said, soaking a heavy iron pot in the barrel he was using. “When?”

“Just the other day.”

Cedric nodded, and didn’t say anything while he scrubbed at the pot. After a minute he sighed. “Cecelia was the brightest light in the sky. She was brilliant and she knew it, always moving and always looking for something she’d never seen before. Always talking. She’d have liked you. And she’d have liked you and Nate.”

“Really?” Pax couldn’t say why the opinion of a dead girl he’d never met mattered that much to him, but it did. 

Cedric nodded, made an indistinct noise. “They’d have never lasted. As friends, definitely, but not as a boy and a girl. They were good for each other when they were young; they both needed someone their age to be around. But I always knew Cecelia would leave the ship when she got older. The world wasn’t big enough for her. Nate would never have gone with her. He’s been married to this ship since he was born.”

“Nate would never be happy on dry land,” Pax agreed. “He’d hate not being on the ship.” Pax sometimes wondered how it was that Nate planned to have his own ship some day when he was so in love with this one, but he’d decided already not to bother worrying about that. 

“I think he’d give up a lot for someone he loved, but not that. And someone who loved him wouldn’t ask him to give it up.” Another sigh. “They’d already both realized that, I think, before the storm. They still spent all their time together, but you could tell it was different.” 

“He loved her.”

“I know.” Cedric smiled at Pax. It was a bit disconcerting. “I wouldn’t worry about it. I think he loves you more.”

“I’m not worried about that.” Pax coloured a little, drying a plate more aggressively than necessary. “I just would have liked to meet her.” 

“She’d have liked you,” Cedric repeated. “I think you’d have liked her too.” 

“I’m sorry,” Pax said, eyes averted from Cedric. “For what happened. It must have been awful for you.”

“It was,” Cedric said quietly, hauling the pot out of the barrel and handing to Pax to be dried. He sat down on a low stool, which creaked under his weight. “There’s not a day that goes past when I don’t think about it. Think about what she’d have looked like today, what she’d have been doing. I think she’d have left the ship by now, travelled half the world, most likely. I hope she’d have had kids someday. I would have liked to have a granddaughter.” 

“I don’t understand how you…” Pax trailed off, shaking his head. “If I were you, and I saw Nate with someone else, I’m not sure how I wouldn’t be angry.”

“Because Nate deserves to be happy. And it’s not your fault what happened. And you deserve to be happy.” It sounded so simple, the way Cedric put it. “I can’t expect the boy to live his entire life in constant mourning. Nobody can live like that. Even I don’t—she’d have hated me for it. I’m the one who dragged him out of his cabin, you know.”

“Really?”

Cedric nodded. “About a week after we got hauled to port. I was planning to leave the ship. I couldn’t be here, where she’d lived, and where she’d died. I went to the captain’s cabin and I was all ready to tell her I was leaving. I wouldn’t have been the first. But when I got there, she…well, her husband was dead, half her crew was dead, her ship was all but wrecked—she looked like shit. But mostly what I noticed was that she looked hungry, and that she was by herself. Nate hadn’t come out of his cabin the entire time. I don’t think either of them had eaten all week. The cook had died. And instead of telling her that I was quitting the ship, I said, ‘I’m making supper, what do you want?’”

“She must have thought you were insane.”

“Probably.” Cedric shrugged. “I came in here and cooked something, and I marched it to her cabin and put it on the table, and then I marched to Nate’s room and ignored how he yelled at me to go away, and I hauled him right to the captain’s cabin and tossed him inside, and told them both to eat before we lost two more crew.” 

“And they did?”

“Not saying that was why the crew got back on its feet, but we started pulling ourselves back together after that. Nate just hid in the captain’s cabin for two more days instead of his, but it was a start, anyway.”

“Thank you,” Pax said quietly. “For helping him. It must have been…”

“Stop that. You lose one person, even if it’s the most important person, doesn’t mean you stop caring about everyone else. It wasn’t heroism. We needed to start moving forward again. Cecelia would have killed me if I’d left the ship. And frankly, Marco never raised his hand against that boy once, but he’d have strapped Nate something strong if he knew his son nearly starved himself to death for grief.” Cedric let out a huff. “Anyway. That’s that. Nate left his cabin, the captain started eating, I kept cooking, the ship kept sailing. Then one day you come along. The world keeps going. Even if we don’t want it to.”

“Especially when we don’t want it to.” Pax knew his own experiences didn’t compare, but he couldn’t help but think of Roberta and Jacob, and of all the others that he’d lost contact with over the years.

“Just keep making that idiot happy and I’ll be happy.”

“I can do that.” 

“Good.”

“Um.” Pax finished drying the pot and put it in the corner. “I know you don’t like to talk about it much.” 

“Damn right.”

“But on a time when you do feel like talking about it someday, maybe you could tell me about Cecelia? I’d like to know about her, if you don’t mind.”

Cedric looked at Pax for a long while, then, and Pax wondered if that was asking too much. But after a minute he nodded, smiling just a little. “Sure. That might be nice. We’ll do that.”

“Thanks, Cedric.”

“Thank you, Pax. Keep making Nate happy.”

“I will,” Pax promised.

Pax never broke a promise.


	26. Sometimes Nepotism Is for the Best

Suder’s Port was not what Pax had expected. It was a bit on the grey side even in the sunlight, and the buildings were maybe a bit pointier than Pax was used to seeing, but other than that the main difference was that the port was to the west, where ports normally weren’t, because that was where the ocean normally was. It looked just like a port city to Pax. 

“This is your first time here, isn’t it?” Nate asked, coming up beside Pax at the rail. 

“Yes.” Pax nodded, looking out at the harbour as it drew closer. “I’ve never been to the western continent.”

“It’s called Aergyre.” 

Pax knew that, but he nodded. “It’s an empire, isn’t it? With an empress and everything.” 

“Yeah. This is our home port, you know.” Nate nodded out at the approaching city. “The _Sparkling Wind_ was built here.” 

“Really?” Pax hadn’t known that. “It looks just like a ship from Dolovai.”

“Shipbuilding techniques are pretty similar, but also we historically have used eastern-looking ships for merchantry to avoid looking like foreigners over there.” Nate shrugged. “Even when your ship’s like ours and doesn’t work for the empire, tradition doesn’t go down that fast.” 

“I guess not.” A lot of the ships in Suder’s Port were similarly constructed, Pax saw, though it was possible that a lot of them actually were from the east. But several of them weren’t, and they all flew the same red and green flag with a nice sigil of a horned bird emblazed on them. Pax wondered if part of the reason merchant ships were built in the eastern fashion was to avoid as much as possible anyone knowing the capabilities of the imperial navy’s ships. 

“Nate, Pax.”

They turned and saw Natalie, where they’d left her at the wheel. She was looking at the port. “We’ll be putting in soon.”

“So we see, Captain,” Pax told her, gesturing towards the piers, which were getting closer. “You know, we can see too, we’re actually closer to them than you since you’re stuck behind the wheel. You should stop underestimating our abilities, especially…”

“Especially Pax’s,” Nate interrupted, shrugging at Pax’s scandalized look. “He’s got the best eyesight this side of the sun, you know. It was gifted to him by a hawk spirit in thanks for protecting its eggs from a ravenous cheesemonger. But he really only wanted to eat the eggs because he didn’t realize cheese was edible, and once Pax explained to him what he’d been selling all this time he was finally able to understand what the big deal was. Though his wife was annoyed when he took all the cheese he’d been using as doorstops and fenceposts and ate them, because then they had to buy lumber and everyone knows that forestry is full of corrupt people with terrifying axes and nobody wants to deal with that.”

A silence fell over the deck, the wind the only answer to Nate’s outrageous claims. 

“Not,” Natalie said after a moment, “the influence I’d hoped you would have on one another.” 

Pax was staring at Nate, wondering if he was okay.

Nate smiled, shrugged again. “Just saving you the breath,” he said sheepishly. “I’ve wanted to do that since I first heard you talk.”

“That…was not the kind of story I’d tell at all. It was full of plot holes and logical inconsistencies, plus everyone knows that cheesemongers don’t exist. Obviously I’ll need to drill you in the finer points of storytelling if you’re going to be my apprentice in this, Nate.” Pax took a breath in a bit of a shudder. “Incidentally, I’ve never wanted to kiss you as much as I do right now.”

“I’m not stopping you, dear.”

“I am,” Natalie interrupted, giving both of them one of those looks. “Work first, you can kiss later.”

“I’m taking that as permission.”

Another look. “Nate, go put together all the documentation we need not to be detained in port. Pax.” She pulled a roll of paper out from her shirt, handed it to him. “The shipping manifest. Make sure all of the cargo is in order so that it can be unloaded in good time.”

“That…sounds important,” Pax said, looking at the paper nervously. 

“It is—that’s why you’re doing it, sailor.” Natalie sounded impatient. “Unless you’d prefer I assigned it to someone else?”

“No, that’s fine.” Pax snatched the roll of paper away, looking at it. He knew what was in the cargo hold without reading the manifest, but he read it anyway. “I’ll do it, Captain. Thank you.”

“Get going, both of you.”

“Yes, Captain.” Pax and Nate left together, Nate grinning like an idiot. 

They didn’t have a lot of time, but before they broke apart Pax grabbed Nate’s hand. “Nate?”

“What?”

Pax pulled him forward, got up on his toes and kissed Nate thoroughly, just for a second. “I love you.”

“Love you back, Pax.” Nate’s grin had widened now, and he patted Pax on the back. “We have work.”

“Right.”

The work wasn’t that arduous, really. It was just a lot of counting and sorting and making sure that the things that were supposed to be there were actually there and that they hadn’t been abducted by salt wizards or ocean zombies or birds, and Pax was pretty good at all of those things and in fact kind of did them a lot anyway, because really someone needed to make sure that the ship was in order and it may as well be him. But it took a lot of time and by the time Pax was finished and came back above deck, Suder’s Port had gotten a whole lot closer and judging by how everyone was pulling on rope and downing the sails and so forth, Pax expected them to come to a stop in a minute or two. 

He was proven right a minute or two later, when the _Sparkling Wind_ glided to a stop. He’d made his way back to the helm by then, and while the crew was tying down the ship, he made to hand the manifest back to Natalie. “Everything is accounted for.”

“Good. Knowing you, you’ve probably figured out the best order to get it off the ship, too, haven’t you?” Natalie asked.

Pax shuffled his feet a little, oddly embarrassed. “Yes. Though it depends on what order you want to get it to the different buyers on the list.”

“Good. We’ll worry about that part later. Hold onto that manifest.”

Pax did, turning as he heard Nate come up to the helm as well. “Everything’s in order.” Nate handed Natalie some papers, and Natalie looked through them with a nod. 

“Let’s go, then,” she said, stepping away from the wheel and heading down to where the gangplank was being lowered. Pax had noticed before that this bit of railing would detach under the right pressure, and now he knew why. 

At the bottom of the gangplank were an older woman and two young men, who seemed to be waiting for something. Natalie waved down at them, beckoning them up, and they came. They were both dark, long in limb, the woman very pretty and the first of the men with an unfortunate burn down part of his face. Pax thought he had been pretty as well, though. He wasn’t as young as he looked. The second man was of an age with him, and not as pretty but with hair that blew in the wind. “Permission to come aboard?” the woman asked. 

“Granted. Welcome back to the _Sparkling Wind_ , Sandra.” Natalie waved them both aboard. “I don’t know your new man.”

“My second, Noah.” The woman waved at the burnt man. “He’ll be performing the inspection of your cargo while Conrad handles the crew’s paperwork.” 

“Sandra is the dockmaster here,” Nate muttered quietly to Pax. “They have a policy about inspecting cargo and crew to make sure we’re not smugglers, and that we’re not bringing in diseases without realizing.”

Pax nodded. That, he supposed, seemed like a sensible precaution even if he was a little insulted at the suggestion. 

“You already know my first mate, Nate.” Natalie said, and Pax assumed she must be introducing him for this Noah’s benefit, if he was new. Pax wondered if the other introductions had been for his benefit, then. He wondered if Noah was the Pax of Suder’s Port. Hopefully not—the world didn’t need two of him. 

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost didn’t hear the rest of Natalie’s introduction. “Pax is my quartermaster. He’ll handle the cargo inspection with Noah.” 

_What?_ Fortunately for everyone, Pax was very good at remaining silent, and his question showed on his face only for a second or ten. He felt very strange and fuzzy all of the sudden. 

“God, are either of them out of swaddling clothes yet?” Noah asked, shaking Pax out of that pretty quickly. 

Pax wasn’t the only one surprised, and Conrad put a hand on Noah’s arm while Sandra shushed him. Natalie just gave Noah a flat look, and so did Pax. “On my ship I reward competence, not the number of calendars someone’s outlived.” 

All Pax could think was that Noah had about five years on him, but he must be used to the idea of people looking younger than they were. He nodded along with Natalie, trying to look intimidating instead of annoyed. Nate patted him on the shoulder, and Pax smiled at him. 

_Pax is my quartermaster._ Pax wasn’t totally sure what that was, but it sounded like a promotion. 

“Conrad?” Nate asked, pointing over to the helm, which was clear at the moment. Conrad nodded and they headed off. Clearly they knew each other. 

Pax fixed his gaze on Noah. “If you’ll come with me,” he said, as curtly as he could, gesturing for the young man to follow him as he turned briskly and headed to the cargo hold again, manifest firmly in hand. 

“Sorry,” Noah said as they walked. “Didn’t mean to offend.”

Yes, he had. 

“It’s fine,” Pax told him. “Appearances are deceiving. A lot of things are deceiving. Hold on.” As they passed by the cabins, he grabbed the arm of the crewman passing by him, who turned out to be Jade. “When she comes out of there, don’t let anyone in until I’ve had a look,” he told her, pointing at their mysterious passenger’s door. She’d be getting off the ship here. 

Jade looked at the door, then at Pax, then she shook her head. “I’ll let the crew know. Sir.” 

Pax narrowed his eyes. Everyone had known about this but him, but he couldn’t demand answers because it would look bad in front of the dock people if he seemed like he hadn’t known. And Natalie had done that on purpose, probably. “Thank you,” he said to Jade, who gave him a cheeky smile and went on her way. 

“The told me I’d probably be doing this on my own,” Noah told him as they made their way down into the hold. “You must be new.”

Pax lit a lamp and unrolled the manifest again. “I guess I must be.” 

“How long have you been the _Sparkling Wind’s_ quartermaster?”

Five minutes now? “A while.” Pax shrugged. “Not to worry, I know what I’m doing.”

Pax had no idea what he was doing, but he worked his way through it anyway; it wasn’t like it was hard to stand there and tell Noah what was in all the crates and barrels and watch him inspect them. They chatted a little bit on and off, but mostly they just worked. 

“Well.” Noah stood back, wiping some sweat from his brow when he’d finished. He made a notation on the copy he’d been making of the manifest, and nodded. “I have to say, I’ve been doing this for a while and I think yours is the easiest ship I’ve ever seen to inspect.” 

“Is that so?” Pax asked, latching the lid shut on a crate.

“Despite disparaging remarks I may or may not have made a while ago, yes.” Noah smiled at him. “You’re very organized. Makes my job easier.” 

“I’m all about making other people’s jobs easier,” Pax told him, sighing. “Let’s go above deck if you’re done—it’s hot down here.”

It was hot up there too, but at least there was some breeze. “That wasn’t as bad as I expected, all things considered,” Pax admitted. “Being inspected didn’t sound fun, but you’re good at it.”

“Thanks.” Noah offered his hand and they shook, even though Pax thought handshakes were a very outdated means of communication. Pax was about to make a comment to that effect when he heard his name being called, and more importantly when he heard it being called by Nate. 

Nate was waving him over to the helm. “I should go see what he wants,” Pax told Noah, who nodded, and followed after him. Pax guessed his job was done anyway, so it wasn’t like he had anything better to do. 

At the helm, Nate patted Pax on the shoulder and gestured to Conrad. “This is him,” he said to Conrad. “We hired him in Bright Harbour last year. Conrad just needed to meet you to make sure you weren’t wanted in Suder’s Port.” Nate suddenly looked uncertain for just a moment, which he covered.

Pax smiled at him, understanding. “I’ve never been here before, Nate, how can I be wanted here? I mean, I’m impressive, but that would be pushing it a bit, don’t you think?” 

“Maybe.” Nate gave him a smile back, which Pax read as an apology. He patted Nate’s arm to show he wasn’t mad. 

“Congratulations, you’re not on my list,” Conrad told Pax in a rumble. He smiled. “Welcome to Suder’s Port.”

“Thank you.” In Pax’s peripheral vision, the door to the passenger’s cabin opened, and she emerged for the first time, but Pax couldn’t make out any of her features beyond a general build. She was wrapped head to toe in swaths of patterned yellow, including a veil over her face. She paused, spoke briefly with Natalie, who had just emerged from her cabin, and then left the ship. She carried only a small bag over her shoulder. “How come she’s allowed to go without being inspected?”

“Captain vouched for her already, and she had papers proving her identity,” Nate told Pax, who now really wanted to read those papers.

But sadly, the mystery passenger left the _Sparkling Wind_ and that was, probably, at least, that. The rest of the inspection didn’t take long and soon enough Sandra was leaving with Conrad and Noah. “You and your officers should have dinner with us tonight,” Sandra said to Natalie as they disembarked. 

“We’d be happy to,” Natalie promised, though she hadn’t actually consulted Pax or Nate about that. But then, she was the captain and making decisions for other people was the captain’s job. 

Noah waved at Pax as they left, and Pax waved back, but once they were gone he rounded on Natalie. “Is this how you always promote people?” he demanded. “By telling everyone except for them?”

“I figured if I told you, you’d give me ten thousand reasons why it was a bad idea,” Natalie said, smiling. 

“Well…it is.” Pax looked away, not sure what to say. 

“You’re already doing the job anyway. May as well give you the title—and pay—bump that comes with it.”

“You’ll be good at it, Pax,” Nate promised him. “And you’ve earned it.” 

“Well, of course _you’d_ say that.” Pax was just…a little overwhelmed and he kind of wanted to cry. But in a good way. “I love you. Both of you. But, you know. In different ways.” 

“I’m hurt, Pax.”

“Sorry, Captain, Nate has my heart and no amount of promotions to positions for which I’m clearly qualified will change that. Remind me to tell you about the sun spirit that tried to hire me as his assistant last week when I was on watch duty. But he told me I’d have to break up with Nate and I told him where he could stuff his job offer and also all of his fire and heat.”

Natalie laughed. “Let’s go sit—I’ll explain what your new duties are going to be.”

Pax nodded and followed after her, holding Nate’s hand. He was so happy he didn’t know what to say. 

“Wait. Did you say a pay bump? I’m getting paid?”


	27. You Don’t Need a Special Occasion to Give a Gift to a Loved One

Suder’s Port was a nice enough city, Pax thought as he wandered around it, as far as port cities went. He was learning to like port cities since they were probably the only cities he was going to see for a long time, but part of him still preferred inland ones. Those tended to have fewer seagulls. 

Maybe now that Pax was a seafaring person he could do something about the world’s seagull population. Like breed a new species of shark that exclusively ate them or something. 

Or maybe dragons. 

Either way, Suder’s Port was pretty okay and Pax was having a good time wandering around it on his shore leave. He’d found a store where he could buy some new clothes so that he didn’t have to wear Nate’s all the time. It was a lot of tunics and baggy pants like what Nate wore, and they were all big on him, but they fit him a lot better than Nate’s clothes. He’d even bought himself some scarf-belts like Nate’s, though he’d also bought some real belts just because. Everything was in very bright colours that Pax wasn’t used to wearing and it was nothing at all like all the restrictive black he’d used to wear and Pax loved it. 

Clad in a lot of red and blue, Pax was wandering Suder’s Port now, looking for somewhere to buy knives. He’d found a few other things that he liked, but so far he’d had no luck finding any that he liked at any places that sold weapons, and he was worried that he was going to have to commission someone to make him a set. If that were the case, he’d have to do it today so they could be ready before the _Sparkling Wind_ had to leave the port. 

“You don’t have anything lighter?” he asked the weapons merchant whose wares he was inspecting at the moment. It was a nice knife that he had in his hand, but it was too heavy for Pax’s liking. 

“That’s the lightest knife I’ve got. You buying it or not?”

Pax was twirling the knife around his fingers, and he sighed. “No, sorry.”

A hand came to rest on his shoulder, and Pax tensed for just a second, but carefully put the knife down on the merchant’s table. “Hello, Nate.” 

“How do you know I’m not a hired killer here to end you?” Nate asked, as Pax turned around. 

“I heard your breathing.” Pax waved goodbye at the disgruntled merchant, moving away with Nate. “What are you doing?”

“Enjoying shore leave. Looking for you. Enjoying looking for you. Now I found you—are you buying knives?”

“That is what I would be doing, yes, if there were any knives to be bought in Suder’s Port,” Pax complained, looking around to see where there might be another shop. “But alas, no.”

“That guy you were talking to had a lot of them.”

“They were wrong.” 

“Wrong?”

“Too long, too heavy, not weighted the way I want, the grip wasn’t right, the handle felt funny.” Pax sighed. “I’m very particular about the kind of knives I like.” 

“I remember you saying that before.” 

Pax nodded. “I mean, not necessarily in general. I like knives—not in a creepy way, promise—but when it comes to the ones I’m going to have tucked in my clothes for self-defence I’m looking for something very specific.” 

Nate nodded, taking Pax’s arm in his as they walked. “I figured. I was going to surprise you by buying you some, but I figured I’d get you the wrong kind, and then you’d take them because they were a gift but secretly not like them, and it would be a whole thing. So I didn’t.”

Pax thought about denying that, but Nate probably wasn’t wrong. “Thank you. I appreciate the thought, but it’s for the best.” 

“So I bought you this instead.”

Pax looked over, surprised, as Nate pulled something out from inside his shirt. It was a knife as well, a heavy one in a leather sheath attached to a belt, the kind that would be worn on the hip. Pax took it, too surprised to speak, and pulled the blade from its sheath. It was a curved, thick steel that seemed to have a blue tint to it, and it looked sharp. The hilt was cast to look like waves. “Nate, it’s…”

“Is it okay? I know you’ll never use it, I just thought it was kind of cool.”

“It’s amazing.” Pax said, feeling a little misty-eyed. He leaned up and kissed Nate on the cheek. “Thank you so much.” 

Nate was very interested in some clouds. “I’m glad you like it, love.” 

Pax belted the knife around his waist, pausing in the street to look down at himself. A slash of black across all the red and blue. Pax liked it. “Looks good with the new clothes,” Nate told him. 

“You’re still disappointed that I won’t be wearing yours anymore,” Pax accused, shifting a little under the compliment. 

Nate rubbed Pax’s arm. “A little. But this suits you. I like seeing you in your own colours, instead of mine. Makes me feel like you’re really here to stay this time.”

“I am,” Pax promised.

“I know.”

“I have something for you too,” Pax said, a little impulsively. 

“Yeah?”

Pax nodded, reached into his own shirt for one of the things he’d bought earlier. “I was going to wait until later to give it to you, but…” He handed it over, not quite looking at Nate, but also trying to watch out of the corner of his eye to see if Nate liked it.

Nate took it, unwrapped the little package it was in. “Oh, wow.” He held the medallion in his hands, looking at it. It was pounded iron, on a thin chain, and it had an anchor cast into the centre of it. “This is really cool.”

“Reminded me of you,” Pax muttered. “I thought you might like it.”

“I do.” Nate pulled it over his head, and the medallion fell halfway down his chest, near his heart, which Pax really liked. “I really like it.”

“The anchor…” Pax took a deep breath, looked at Nate. “The anchor made me think of you. Because…because you’re my anchor, Nate. You’re what keeps me in place. You’re how I know what’s real and what’s important.” 

Nate kind of looked like he’d been hit with an anchor now, and Pax started to worry that he’d said something dumb. But before he could get too far down that train of thought, Nate took Pax in his arms and engulfed him in a strong hug right there in the street. “God, Pax.” He paused, swaying both of them a little. “I love you so much.” 

“I love you too, Nate,” Pax whispered, hugging him back. 

They stayed like that for a moment, before it started to get obvious that people were getting annoyed about having to pass around them. “We should move,” Pax mumbled, though he didn’t want to let go of Nate.

“Yeah.” Nate pulled back, with a sigh, and looked at Pax. And gave him a kiss on the forehead. “Let’s go.”

“Where?” He’d go wherever Nate did.

“I know where there’s a good blacksmith in the city. You’ll have more luck if you just get some knives made instead of looking everywhere for ones you like.”

Pax nodded. “I was starting to think that too.”

“Come on, then.” Nate took Pax’s hand and pulled him down the street. “Follow me.” 

“Okay, Nate.” Pax did, and he always would.


	28. Lots of Mysteries End up Solved Mostly by Coincidence

Contrary to some of Pax’s recent scheduling mishaps involving swimming to boats, he really didn’t like leaving things to the last minute. The thing about last minutes was that there weren’t more of them after if he needed them, and sometimes unexpected things happened that required extra minutes. He liked to have things done in good time, so that there was enough time to sit around wishing that he’d not been so punctual in getting everything done while simultaneously laughing at people who weren’t as good at managing their time. 

But sadly, Nate’s favourite blacksmith was not a miracle worker and did have to operate within the bounds of linear time, and so Pax had only just picked up his knives now, even though the _Sparkling Wind_ was leaving in an hour. 

To be fair, they were perfect knives. Weighted and balanced exactly the way Pax liked, wearing them felt as natural as wearing the clothes he had on. He’d already made them all disappear into his hidden harnesses except for all the spares he’d asked for, which were in his bag, and he was walking much more comfortably down the streets of Suder’s Port now that he was properly armed. 

He had to get back to the ship; notwithstanding the fact that they were leaving in an hour, as quartermaster he had lots of things to do. He’d already done most of them and had lots of time to do the rest, since it was all to do with the cargo and that had already been loaded at dawn. Pax had overseen that, even though he’d had to suffer through several not-very-inventive jokes about how he couldn’t oversee anything because he was too short, which he wasn’t. The only thing he really had to do before they left port was check all of the cargo again to make sure no stowaways were hiding in it. 

He kind of thought Nate should be doing that, since Natalie needed a new cabin boy and training new crewmen was his job, but whatever. 

Pax headed down towards the docks with the singular determination for which he was well known. He wasn’t worried about getting distracted, because it took rather a lot to distract him. Even though he was passing through a slightly dodgier area of Suder’s Port because of the shortcut he’d decided to take, he wasn’t allowing himself to be distracted, because it took events of momentous magnitude to distract him. 

Events of momentous magnitude, in this instance, took the form of a woman dressed in a yellow veil from head to toe. Pax saw her out of the corner of his eye and watched her go, emerging from a house and then heading down a narrow side street and vanishing from view. 

He looked away, heading resolutely for the ship. As much as he wanted to know what was up with their mysterious no-longer-a-passenger, he wasn’t about to go stalking some random woman to find out. 

Until three dark-garbed men emerged from the shadows of the house opposite where the woman had been staying and followed her down the side street. 

“Crap,” Pax muttered, and he hurried after them, trying not to look too obvious. It was hard not to look obvious dressed like a sailor, but Pax thought he managed it, at least. 

The side street was empty but for the woman in yellow and her three pursuers, who had already caught up to her. Anyone living in any of these houses was wise enough to stay indoors. Pax stuck to the shadows, but steadily got closer. 

“Listen, lady, this only ends one way. Just come with us quietly, hear?”

“How much were you paid?” The woman’s voice was melodious, rolling down the cramped street with an accent Pax didn’t know. 

“Don’t matter. We’ve got a job to do and you’re all alone.”

The woman sighed audibly as Pax drew closer. “I’m afraid that I won’t allow this to end the way your employer wants.” Her face was covered but for her eyes, and for the shortest second Pax could have sworn that she’d looked in his direction. “If you must murder me, you will do it here on the street.”

“Or what, lady?” The man speaking raised his hand, in which he held a heavy cudgel, as if to strike the woman. 

With a dart of Pax’s hand and a flick of his wrist, the man had a newly-made knife stuck in his arm and he dropped the cudgel with a loud clatter and a louder shout, his two companions searching for their assailant. 

“That wasn’t very nice,” Pax told them, drawing the heavy knife Nate had given him. “Oh, I guess I’m your ‘or what.’”

It was a pretty good opener, if Pax did say so himself. 

The two remaining men—one of them was a woman, actually—laughed at Pax. “What, you going to growl us to death?” the woman asked. Both she and her friend were easily twice Pax’s size. “Go home, kid.”

“Oh, please. You’re not even real assassins, are you? You’re just street thugs. Whoever hired you either had bad taste or not enough money to afford the real thing. Get lost before I end up hurting both of you.”

The man Pax had injured was standing now, and he pulled Pax’s knife out of his arm and let it fall to the ground, lifting his cudgel in his uninjured arm. “Three on one, kid,” he snarled, “and we weren’t supposed to have witnesses. Guess you’re coming with us too.”

“Three on one?” Pax asked, shifting his weight to his left foot. “You want to call four or five more of your friends, make it an even match?”

“Fuck you,” The second man said, charging at Pax and drawing a short sword as he moved. Pax moved to one side, blocked the man’s wrist as he swung and used that to push himself away from the sword, while slashing the man’s chest with the heavy knife as he moved. He let go of the wrist as the man started to fall, reaching into his shirt for a knife to toss at the woman as she approached. The knife took her in the shoulder and Pax gave her a stroke with the heavy knife as well, to her side, and he grabbed his knife out of her shoulder and spun, using the momentum to drive it into the first man’s leg even as he used the heavy knife to bat away the cudgel and cut his fingers open. 

Pax shook the blood off his knives, stepping away from all three of them as they cried out in pain from the ground. 

Sheathing both knives and picking up the one he’d thrown earlier, Pax approached the woman. “Are you okay?”

“I am unharmed.” The woman looked at her three attackers. “You didn’t kill them.”

“I try not to kill people. Not to give orders, but we should get out of here before they get up and call in friends.”

The woman nodded. “Thank you. And you’re right. There are likely others somewhere—their employer is not known for his subtlety.” 

“You know who hired them?” Pax asked, walking beside her as they both strode down the narrow street and away from the three bleeding thugs. 

“I expect it was probably my son.” 

“Seems like a nice kid,” Pax muttered, looking around for anyone else who looked suspicious. “Is there something I can call you? Doesn’t have to be your name.”

The woman seemed to smile at that behind her veil. “You may call me Sharon if you like.”

“I’m Pax.”

“Yes, you are the one who kept me fed on the journey across the sea. Thank you for that.”

“Just doing my job.” 

“And now?”

“Just doing my duty as a non-terrible human being.” 

Another of those smiles from behind the veil. “How did you find me?” Sharon asked him, as they left the side street to what looked like another side street. Pax hoped that these led to an actual street soon. 

“Coincidence. I’m on my way back to the ship.”

“I hope I haven’t delayed you from reaching it.”

Pax quirked a smile. “I’m ahead of schedule. But they’ll wait for me if I’m late and even if they don’t, it wouldn’t be the first time I swam after them.”

“You’re an interesting young man.”

“I’m really very boring once you get to know me.” The street opened up onto a wider concourse just ahead, and Pax headed for that, still keeping an eye out. As they emerged onto it, he looked around to orient himself and then picked a direction. 

“Where are you taking me?”

“Where do you need me to take you?” Pax asked. There were some market stalls on this street and Pax angled for one. “You’re the one with people after you.” 

“Yes, I am at that. I admit I’ve no set destination—I’d hoped to be away from my son’s people here in the west, but seems that was a vain hope.” 

“I guess so. Do you need out of the city?” Pax led her towards a stall, fishing some money out of his pocket and putting it on the counter without pausing. He grabbed a fold of tent canvas that the merchant was selling and handed it to Sharon. “Here. See if you can make yourself a little less yellow for a few minutes.” 

“Thank you.” Sharon pulled the grey canvas around herself, covering up the most of her yellow veil. “Out of the city is far out of your way.”

“That doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to end up dead when I could have stopped it by taking a few extra hours out of my life.” 

There was a long silence from Sharon as they walked through the crowded street. Pax kept his hand near one of his hidden knives, but nobody paid them much mind. “No, those brutes came after me when I got near the gates before. I believe they are watching the exits to the city.” 

“Not all of them,” Pax said, nodding down at the docks as they came into view. “They can’t be that efficient.”

“Yes, you’re right. I had been thinking that as well.” Sharon sighed. 

“The _Sparkling Wind_ is headed for Bright Harbour. I’m sure Natalie wouldn’t mind having you as a passenger again. I was a passenger for a long time and I’m way more annoying than you. And I didn’t even pay.” 

“Why do all of this for me?” Sharon asked him, instead of answering. “It seems a lot, even for a not-terrible person.” 

Pax didn’t answer right away, eyes on the crowds in the harbour. “I know what running away is like,” he said quietly as they joined those crowds. “All you want is for it to stop, but it never does, because even if you can’t see who’s chasing you, you always know that they’re still there. And you can’t do it forever. Not by yourself.” 

“And who are you running away from, Pax?”

“The guy who made sure I knew how to not kill a bunch of street thugs. Look out.” He’d only seen the heavy-chested man approaching at the last second as he’d come out from behind a wagon. He pulled two long knives on them and crossed the distance between the cart and Sharon in two steps, pushing people aside as he did. Pax reached out and grabbed his arms, tripping him and sending him to the ground, relieving him of a knife as he fell and giving him a hard kick in the head to keep him down. The knife he kept in hand as he spun Sharon away from a woman who approached from the other side, elbowing the attacker in the stomach before spinning around behind her and jamming the blade into the back of her thigh. 

People around them screamed with their assailants and tried to get away, but no more attackers materialized. “So much for no witnesses,” Pax grumbled as he took Sharon by the arm and into the crowd as quickly as he could, making them disappear in the press of bodies. 

“I believe I will take you up on your offer of passage. I’m afraid I don’t have much choice in the matter.” 

“You’ll find that our captain is very good at keeping people safe. She’s very no-nonsense when it comes to murdering types appearing on her ship.”

Or at least, Pax assumed she was. 

There weren’t beset again, and got to the _Sparkling Wind_ without incident after that. When they climbed the gangway and stepped onto the ship, Nate was standing right there, talking to Conrad. His gaze fixed on Pax, and the frowned, held up a hand to Conrad. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I do strive for transparency in all things except skin tone, but I’m a little concerned about how obvious I apparently am,” Pax said, giving Nate a quick hug. He felt Nate’s anchor amulet press against him as he did. “I’m okay. Everything’s okay. We have a passenger again, though. Someone’s trying to kill her, Nate.”

Nate’s expressed hardened and he looked from Pax to Sharon, then to the captain’s cabin. 

“Who’s trying to kill her?” Conrad demanded, scowling at them all. 

“I don’t know, a bunch of people who are currently bleeding on the ground in Suder’s Port.” Pax shrugged. “I didn’t ask their names.”

“The guard will pick them up,” Conrad muttered, giving Pax a look. “What did you do before getting hired on this ship?”

“This and that. Nate?”

Nate shook himself a little. “The captain will approve it, it’s fine. Are you okay, ma’am?”

“I am unhurt, thanks to your crewman here. I’m afraid he’s correct, however. I must impose upon you for passage once more—I can pay.” 

“We’ll worry about that later.” Nate waved that off with a hand. “I’ll go get the captain. Conrad, we’re adding her to the manifest.” 

“She came in with you, I’m sure it’s fine.” Conrad narrowed his eyes. “If I find out she committed some huge heist in the city, so help me, though.”

“I assure you, young man, none of my crimes were committed in Suder’s Port.” Sharon’s musical voice didn’t sound disingenuous. 

Conrad looked at her for a long minute and then sighed. “Good enough for me.” 

Nate had gone over and banged on Natalie’s door, and was already coming back with her in tow. Sandra was with them, and Pax had a moment’s thought that Noah had better not be down in the hold messing with his organization.

“I hear you’ve brought back our passenger, crewman.”

“Yes, sir.” Pax smiled at the captain. “I just didn’t have it in me to turn that cabin back into storage now that we’ve got it all cleaned out properly, you know?”

Natalie smirked and shook her head, turning to Sharon. “Welcome aboard. We’re setting sail in a few minutes.”

“Just like that, captain?” Sharon had loosened the grey canvas now, letting it hang loose and displaying her yellow again. It was a nice shade. 

“We’ve spent enough time with Pax to be wary of the answers we’ll get if we ask questions.” Natalie nodded. “We’ll work out payment and so forth later—Nate says people are after you, and I think it’s safest if you stay in a cabin until we’ve set sail.”

“I agree. Thank you, captain.”

“Pax will show you to your cabin, ma’am.”

“This way.” It was five steps from where they were standing, but Pax led Sharon there anyway. He opened the door, then paused. “Sharon?”

“Yes?”

“The _Sparkling Wind_ is the safest place I’ve ever been in my life. Promise.” 

“Thank you, Pax.” Sharon looked around the deck before heading into the cabin. “Perhaps we could talk again after the ship has set sail. If your duties permit.”

“I’ll find the time. I’d like that, Sharon.” 

“Later, then. And thank you again.”

“No need for that,” Pax assured her, stepping back so she could shut the door. “I’ll see you later.”

Sharon nodded and shut the door, leaving Pax standing there for just a moment before he went back to make a proper report to Nate and Natalie. 

Looked like his mystery had gotten a whole lot easier to unravel.


	29. New Responsibilities Come with New Pleasures

Pax liked driving the ship. It made him feel all important and in-charge, even if the ship was mostly driving itself and even if Nate was standing right there beside him to make sure he did it right and didn’t drive them off the edge of the world or something. 

Just because the world was round didn’t mean that Pax couldn’t find an edge to drive the _Sparkling Wind_ off of. He was pretty skilled like that. 

“It’s weird to be going east,” Pax said as he watched the ocean ahead of them. It looked the same as the ocean usually did when they were going in other directions. But going east was different than going west or north. 

“Is it?” Nate asked him, looking out over the bow. 

“Yes, east is a weird direction for us to head. Not us specifically, but us generally, like humans. I feel like we’re recreating the departure from the Gated Land and you know, that didn’t really work out for us for the first time. I mean, some theologians would argue that it did, since without it we wouldn’t have really been human in the way that we understand it and really it was our free will and ability to express our impatience through poor decision making that made us human in the first place, but if we hadn’t decided to head east at first we could have been angels and had awesome wings and shit.” Pax frowned at the ocean. “On the other hand, that would basically make us birds, and I’m not okay with that. And you can say all you want about the non-anthropomorphism of angels and the necessity for us to disassociate from heretical presuppositions about the form of the divine, but angels are always depicted with wings in art and so I think that means they probably have wings, and I refuse to be a bird person even if I do get a flaming sword, what would I do with a flaming sword anyway. Kill birds with it, I guess.” 

Nate had turned around and was watching Pax now, smiling. 

“What?”

“I love you.”

Pax went a little pink and tried to look past Nate to the ocean. “Stop saying that just to make me stop talking.” 

“I wasn’t. I was saying it because I think you’re a perfect human being.” Nate wandered over to the wheel now, correcting Pax’s course a little. “And I’m glad that we travelled east from the Gated Land so that you could be born the way you were. If God wasn’t trying to make you when he created the world, then he was stupid.” And he kissed Pax on the cheek. 

Fully red now, Pax had to make himself look at Nate. “Well. That’s considered heresy in some select circles, Nate. You know, the circles that are in the High Presbyter’s office. But if you’re going to hell I want to go there too, and I’m glad that we went east too if it means you got to be born.”

“So should we keep going east and see what happens?”

Pax nodded. “I guess it’s the best course of action, yes.” He leaned up and kissed Nate on the cheek, but because he was a professional, he immediately put his eyes back on the ocean. No rocks or mermaids had suddenly appeared to crash into, so that was good.

“Nate.” Pax looked up at Jade’s voice. She had just approached the helm.

“What is it?”

“Captain wants you.”

“Okay.” Nate patted Pax on the shoulder. “Stay the course. I’ll be back.” 

“Wait, what?” Pax went a little tense as Nate wandered away. “What are you doing? If you go away who’s going to drive the ship?”

“You are, Pax.”

“But I can’t!”

“You’ve been doing it for the last two hours and the last six months. I think you can handle it.”

“Wait!” But Nate was gone, waving over his shoulder and abandoning Pax to the dangers of the ocean all by himself. “Asshole,” Pax muttered, hands white on the wheel. 

Jade was still standing there. “Should I be writing a last will and testament?”

“Yes,” Pax grumbled, glaring out at the ocean, heart racing. He could do this, it was fine, he’d driven the ship before. Probably no whales or sea monsters were going to pop out of the ocean and attack them. “Yes, you should. I can help you write it if you need the legal language. Really, you should have one of those anyway, seafaring is a dangerous business, Jade.”

“Yeah, yeah. On second thought, maybe I’d better go find Pig.”

Ew. Pax nodded. “That’s probably a good idea,” he said, because he was supportive even if he didn’t much want to consider Pig and Jade having sex. “There’s a pretty good chance that we’re all about to die because if this ship’s poor organization and division of labour.” 

“You should probably stop bitching, this is pretty much part of your job.”

“No, it isn’t,” Pax shook his head. “I’m supposed to count things and make sure the cargo is where it’s supposed to be.”

“We don’t have a second officer, so that makes it you by default. It’s the second officer’s job to take the helm when the captain and first mate are busy.”

Pax scowled at her. “That’s not how hierarchies work. You can’t just name me second officer because you don’t want to do it. I’ll make the captain promote someone to the position appropriately.”

“She’ll promote you.”

That got more scowling, because Pax had a feeling she was right. “I guess. But that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. She has a lot of bad ideas.” 

“That’s mutiny,” Jade told him. 

“Only if you tell her.”

“Which I will.”

“And I’ll tell Nate to put Pig on watch duty every day for the next month.” 

Jade looked at Pax. Pax looked back at Jade. They were at an impasse. Jade nodded out at the ocean. “You’re about to hit that iceberg.” 

“Don’t be silly, there are no icebergs in the water this far south,” Pax said, even as he looked out to make sure that there weren’t. There was in fact no iceberg, so Pax called it a win because he’d been right. “Go find Pig.”

“Try not to crash the ship, Pax.”

“Just for you, I’ll do my best.” 

Jade waved at him and made her way off somewhere, leaving Pax by himself at the helm. He kept his eyes on the water, not expecting to see anything but prepared for the possibility that he might.

Time ran together a little, so Pax couldn’t really have said how much longer it was when he saw the water break and spit out a huge form. A black whale leapt from the water about fifty yards from the ship on the port side, followed by a smaller whale doing the same thing. The spray of water they sent up stretched far but didn’t quite reach the ship. Pax watched them so raptly that he forgot to be worried. 

When Nate came back later, Pax refused to give him back the wheel.


	30. Sometimes the World Seems to Shrink to Two People

Pax probably could have gotten out of the nigh watch, but it was only fair that he do it when his turn came up just like everyone else. He was no stranger to stay up all night anyway and unlike certain other people, he wasn’t going to slack off while doing it. Pax was not known for slacking off under any circumstances, and the night when nobody could see him was no different. If anything, Pax obeyed rules and regulations more rigidly when nobody could see him. It was a mark of how devoted one was to the upholding of the rules, the determination with which they upheld them when it was only their own conscience keeping them in check. If anyone could see him, they would be very impressed with his dedication to his duty onboard this ship, but since the whole point was that nobody could see him, Pax was left to be impressed with himself. 

It was a clear night, and warm. The sky was an explosion of stars reflected against the black of the ocean and the _Sparkling Wind_ was moving gently through that mirror, following the half moon. 

Pax may or may not have taken a few moments here and there to appreciate how beautiful it was. Only fools didn’t appreciate nature and nature loved to kill fools. 

The ship was dark, lit only by the sky and the one lamp Pax was carrying. And it was silent but for the light wind, the low waves, the creaking of the ship and occasional flapping of the sails and Pax’s footsteps as he walked. There weren’t even birds, which was good. Birds in the dark would be the worst. 

It was four hours yet until dawn. Pax looked out at the ocean as he walked, saw nothing that would threaten the _Sparkling Wind_ , which spoke to his abilities as a night guardsman, he thought. 

As he made his way back to the helm, Pax went by his cabin door and like always, he resisted the urge to check in on Nate to see if he was still there. Of course he was still there, Nate liked to sleep and besides, where else would he go in the middle of the night? One of the best things about Pax’s life at the moment was that Nate was in it and he always knew where Nate was, and knew that he wasn’t going to suddenly not be where he was meant to be. 

It was very reassuring. 

Only Nate wasn’t in their cabin, Pax saw as he passed the cabins and approached the helm. Because he was standing at the bow, looking out at the ocean. 

Pax blinked, approached quietly. “You should be sleeping,” he said, not raising his voice too much. 

Nate smiled, turned around. “I couldn’t. Got lonely.”

Pax sat the lamp on the deck near the wheel and went to join Nate. “You knew where I was,” he told Nate as he joined him, slipping an arm around him. Nate returned the gesture and they stood there watching the stars. 

“I know. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get lonely.” 

Pax rested his head on Nate’s shoulder. “Me too.” The only downside to night watch was that he had to spend all night alone without Nate. And then had to sleep in the morning by himself while Nate went to work. 

“Besides, I was missing this spectacular view being inside,” Nate said, leaning his head to rest on Pax’s. 

“It is really pretty, isn’t it?” Pax asked. “I just goes on forever. It makes it feel like it’s just us, sailing through eternity.”

“See.” Nate hugged Pax tighter. “I was just thinking that if you were here, you’d have something to say about it beyond that it was nice to look at.”

“Sorry.”

“It was a compliment. You’re really good with words.”

“Well…” Pax didn’t feel that way at the moment. “Thank you.”

“Come here.” Nate pulled Pax into his arms, breaking their study of the ocean, and kissed him. Pax kissed back and they held that for a while, framed by the moon. “I love you,” Nate said when they broke.

“I love you too,” Pax answered, looking up at Nate. 

Pax wasn’t surprised in the slightest when, as Nate kissed him again, his hands wandered downwards, trying to loosen Pax’s belt a little. “I’m on duty,” he reminded Nate. 

“You can take a break. There’s nothing out there for us to hit.”

“You know I’m not going to leave my post, Nate.”

“Then don’t,” Nate smiled, tugging at Pax’s shirt. “We can stay right here.”

Pax’s face probably outshone the lamp there for a moment. “Someone could see.”

“Who?” Nate waved around. “We’re out here by ourselves, Pax. Just you and me, sailing through eternity.”

“D-don’t throw my own lines back at me,” Pax grumbled. It wasn’t fair. It had just been a sentence when Pax had said it, when Nate repeated it suddenly it was a pick-up line. 

“Is that a yes? We don’t have to.” 

“Of course it was a yes, Nate, learn to read signals.” There was nobody to see them and the ship would survive without someone supervising the ocean for half an hour. Pax leaned back up and kissed Nate, hands working now to get his shirt over his head. It was easy enough since Nate hadn’t tucked it in when he’d gotten out of bed. 

Nate was wearing the amulet Pax had gotten him, which Pax liked, so he kept that on as he helped Nate out of his shirt. Nate was having a bit of a harder time since he had to get Pax’s shirt untucked and navigate some hidden knives, but somehow he ended up getting Pax out of it in the same amount of time. Very skilled, was Nate.

The belt that held his heavy knife came undone with a click and a thunk as the weapon hit the ground. Nate got through Pax’s regular belt quickly and there was a duller thunk as his pants fell, the weight of his hidden blades dragging them down immediately. Nate smiled into Pax’s mouth. “Nice of you to keep those on. Makes undressing you easier.”

“Anything to facilitate that,” Pax muttered, still working at Nate’s belt. It was haphazardly tied and not hard to get undone. “You’re very fast at this.”

“Undressing you tends to be a top priority. I’ve gotten good at it.”

He had, in fact. Pax was standing there in just a few knife harnesses. “You going to finish the job or should I keep these on?” Pax asked, as he finished with Nate’s belt and gave his pants a light shove to get them down, leaving Nate in nothing but starlight. 

“I kind of like them,” Nate admitted, stepping back to look at Pax, who tried not to shy under the attention. “But tonight I just want you.” Pax nodded, and Nate leaned in, started unstrapping the harnesses. 

There were only four that Pax kept on his body instead of in his clothes, two on his chest and two on his inner thighs. Nate undid the top two first, each time kissing Pax under where the knife had been before tossing it on the pile of clothes. Then he kissed Pax on the mouth, smiled and got down on his knees to get at the last two. 

Hard, quivering a little, Pax watched Nate slowly unstrap the harness on his left thigh, plant a kiss on the inside, toss the knife away. Then he went to the right, unstrapped, kissed. Lingered, for a minute, looking up at Pax, who was transfixed.

“You like me down here?” Nate asked, in a whisper. 

Pax nodded.

“Good.” Nate gave Pax another kiss, higher up, then another and more after that, moving slowly up Pax’s thigh until he got right to the top. He gave Pax’s tight sac a kiss, then three on his shaft as he worked up, making Pax shudder and struggle to keep his feet. The final kiss Nate put right on the head, and, looking up at Pax for a second, he lowered himself right down Pax’s length, taking it all into his mouth in one movement. “Oh, God, Nate…” 

Nate held there for a minute, not moving no matter how much Pax might hope he would. Then, finally, he slid back up, licking up the shaft as he pulled off, letting Pax out of his mouth with a small pop. 

Nate took Pax’s hands, pulled him down. “Come down here,” he urged, coaxing the shaking Pax down to his knees. 

Pax didn’t resist, too weak to stand much longer anyway. Nate lay back once Pax was lower, and pulled Pax on top of him until they were level, face to face, their cocks pressed together, sliding because Pax was wet. Nate kissed Pax again, using his tongue, and Pax kissed back, their bodies grinding together as they touched. Pax could feel the metal of the amulet between them. 

Grabbing Pax’s hand, Nate moved it downwards; Pax got the idea and reached for their pressed erections, but Nate stopped him, pulling him down farther, in between their bodies, down between Nate’s legs. 

Pax stopped kissing, pulled up. “Are you sure?” 

Nate nodded. “Please?”

“Okay,” Pax took his hand back, sucked on his own fingers for a second. Then he snaked his hand back down, kneeling a little between Nate’s legs as he spread them. Pax watched Nate’s face as he slid in finger down the crack, pressing it against Nate’s hole. “Ready?”

“I’m ready.”

Pax nodded, pressed his finger in, slowly. “Mmm, Pax…” Nate closed his eyes, took deep breaths as he relaxed, let Pax’s finger in. They’d done this once or twice before, so Pax knew Nate could handle a few fingers. He didn’t make Nate wait for the second one, sliding it in beside the first and flexing a little, giving Nate time to get used to it. Nate clenched around his hand so Pax waited until he relaxed again to start moving. 

“Do you want the third one?” Pax asked, and Nate gave a slow nod. “Okay.” Pax took a breath himself, and slowly started to work the third finger inside, giving Nate time to get used to it but also not relenting, pressing in with determination until it was all the way buried inside Nate. 

Pax gave Nate a second to adjust before he started moving his fingers, flexing and wriggling, exploring. He leaned down to kiss Nate again as he did, started thrusting his fingers in and out a little as he did. 

A minute later Nate’s hand was around Pax. “I want…more than your fingers…”

Pax stopped, freezing in place. He looked down, looked Nate in the eye, and saw nothing but certainty and want, and knew Nate was seeing the same in him. They’d never done this before, but Pax was ready. “Okay.” 

He slowly withdrew his fingers, and Nate let him go. Using one hand to push Nate’s leg aside and the other to guide himself. He was shaking a bit, but he wanted this as much as Nate did, and that made it easier. Pax pressed against Nate’s hole, watching him, taking a breath, pressing inside. 

Tingling though his whole body, fire spreading from his abdomen. Pax pushed into Nate slowly, stopping when he encountered resistance. He slid out, gently thrusting in, getting farther with every thrust. Nate started making little sounds and bucking his hips in response, and Pax found himself speeding up.

One thrust planted Pax all the way inside and he gasped, falling forward on top of Nate. He wanted to kiss Nate but couldn’t reach him from here, so he kissed Nate’s neck and chin and chest as he kept going, and Nate kissed his forehead and hair, whispering Pax’s name. 

A light breeze blew over them, cool against the sweat on Pax’s back as he thrust into Nate. He didn’t get up too much speed, preferring to go slowly and carefully, and he didn’t hear Nate complaining. Pax could feel it coming already, too soon, much too soon, and with a quiet cry he started to fill Nate, that fire spreading, warming him, warming both of them, and Nate was shooting against his chest. “Nate…”

When they were done, Pax collapsed, panting. He lay on top of Nate for a while, rising and falling with Nate’s breaths, Nate’s arms around him. When he could move again he pulled out, rolled off of Nate and lay beside him on the deck, looking up at the stairs. 

“That was amazing,” Nate said, looking up at them.

Pax nodded. “Yeah. It was. Oh God,” he said a second later. “I can’t believe we did that out here. Right in front of the helm.”

“It’s fine.”

“The captain is going to know, Nate.”

“No, she’s not.”

“She totally is.” Natalie was probably just going to kill both of them. 

“Who cares?” Nate asked. 

Pax thought about that. “I do.” He paused, looking up at the stars. “But I’d still do it again.”

“Good. Now stop worrying and cuddle with me.”

“Okay.” Pax did just that, and together the two of them watched the sky. “I have to go back to duty.”

“I know. I have to go back to bed.” Nate kissed Pax on the cheek. “But let’s just lay here for a while. You and me.”

“Sailing through eternity.”

“Exactly.”

It really was a beautiful thing.


	31. Loneliness Can Be a Hard Habit to Break

The Coral Range was kind of just a stretch of water with nothing particularly interesting in it. Under the surface was a massive coral reef that was growing on top of an underwater mountain range, but that was deep enough down that it didn’t bother ships and could hardly be seen except in the best of conditions. 

Pax peered down into the water, wishing that it weren’t so cloudy. But all he could see was the ocean, which he’d seen rather a lot of over the last little while. 

Oh, well. Pax sighed, taking his gaze away from the ocean. They’d cross over the Coral Range again—lots of times, probably twice a year—so maybe there would be something neat the next time. 

He turned back to the deck of the ship, was surprised to see Sharon approaching him under a blue veil that she had acquired from…somewhere. Magic, obviously. “You came out of your cabin,” he told her, unnecessarily. “Which I suppose you already knew, seeing as you’re out here and all and presumably you’re aware of the difference between a cabin and the rest of a ship, but I suppose I shouldn’t presume, maybe you’re a southern philosopher and you’re enlightened enough to realize that all space is the same space and it’s our journey through it that changes it, meaning that you’re still in your cabin, really.”

“I hadn’t considered it that way,” Sharon admitted, joining Pax at the rail and looking out over the ocean. “I’m more interested in the branch of southern philosophy that would say all space is the same space because no space is real, and I wasn’t ever in a cabin to begin with because the physical world doesn’t exist.”

Pax blinked, cocking his head at her. “I’ve never had much time for that argument. If the physical world didn’t exist, neither would we, and if we’re just pure energy beings like they say, why are we imagining the world in this physicality? And if we are imagining it and it’s our only way to imagine the world, then doesn’t that make it real?”

“I suppose it depends on what you think is real, doesn’t it?”

“I think that denying reality to the tangible world abdicates our responsibility to make it better by deferring expectations to a transcendental hypothesis that doesn’t actually help anyone.” Pax had thought about this on occasion.

Sharon seemed to smile under her veil. “Perhaps so. Where I’m from, philosophers used to say that the world was the dream of sleeping god, and it was our responsibility to make sure the dreams were good, because if they became nightmares, the god would wake up and we’d all vanish.” 

Pax nodded, turned back out to look at the ocean. “I can get behind a philosophy that forces people to be good people. I’ve never understood why philosophers always want our world not to be real, though.”

“You don’t think dreams are real?” 

“Of course they are. But that’s not what philosophers mean when they say the world’s a dream.” 

“No, it isn’t,” Sharon agreed. “I can understand their feelings, but denying the world won’t make it go away no matter how hard you try.”

“Unless you happen to a narcoleptic deity, I guess,” Pax sighed, watching the water. “I’m glad you finally came out of your room. It must get stuffy in there.”

Sharon nodded. “A little bit, yes. But I manage. I had preferred the solitude because I wanted to avoid being in all of your way out here. But a little company now and then is always nice.”

“Being alone is hard,” Pax said with a nod. “And most things get easier the longer you do them. That’s not one of those things.” 

“No, it isn’t.” Sharon looked at him. “You’re very young to have figured that out already.”

“Yeah.” Pax nodded. “I guess. I’m lucky to have found a place where I wasn’t alone.” 

“Yes, you are. I suspect it’s hard to be alone on a ship this size.” 

“It is,” Pax told her. “Most of us don’t get doors that lock. You wouldn’t have to be alone either if you didn’t want. Everyone’s friendly. Except for the people who aren’t, but I think they’re only unfriendly with me because they’re jealous of my seafaring superiority.” 

“That seems likely,” Sharon agreed, doing that thing again where she smiled with her posture. “Perhaps part of my reason for staying isolated was that I was afraid.”

Pax nodded. He didn’t think that was a ‘perhaps.’ “That’s another thing that never gets easier. Afraid that they would do something to you or afraid that you’d like them too much to leave?”

“Perhaps a little of both,” Sharon said with a small laugh. “You’re rather perceptive.”

“I was in the same situation not long ago. The thing is, it’s not a totally unjustified fear.” Pax looked up at the cloudy sky. “I did end up liking them too much to leave. I tried; I couldn’t. Or rather, I could, but I hated myself once I had, so I came back.”

“You seem content here,” Sharon ventured. “In my opinion, you made the correct decision.”

“I think so too.” Pax looked at her now. “The right decision for me isn’t the right decision for everyone. But it wouldn’t hurt you to spend time with people and see what happens.” 

“No, I suppose it wouldn’t. Perhaps I’ll save you some work tonight, Pax, and come out at dinnertime instead of eating alone.” 

Pax grinned. “That’s a good idea. Not to be invasive, but how are you going to eat with your veil on?”

Sharon paused for a second, thinking. “I’m sure I shall manage somehow.”

“I’m sure you will. You seem pretty competent, honestly.” 

“High praise, coming from you. I’ve seen what you’re capable of.”

“In Suder’s Port?” Pax asked, waving his hand. “That was just a day in the life. You haven’t seen the half of it, promise.”

“Then I shall look forward to seeing the greater measure of your talents, Pax.” Sharon nodded at him now. “In the meantime, I think I shall take a look around the ship. I’ve never seen any of it but for my cabin and the main deck.” 

“Do you want a tour? I live here, so I know where all the best parts are.” 

“If you’re not too busy, I won’t decline.”

“What a rousing endorsement,” Pax told her, straightening. “It happens that I’ve completed all my duties for the moment. Come on, I’ll show you the galley.”

Pax gave Sharon a tour of his home, hoping she loved it even half as much as he did.


	32. Everyone Knows that Birds Are the Heralds of Evil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Objectively my best chapter title so far.

“Two casks of water broke open with all the movement of the ship,” Pax reported, looking down at his notes. “We may need to stop before we get to Bright Harbour.”

Natalie nodded, looking down at the maps in front of her. “Nate?”

“I agree,” Nate said, nodding. “The damage to the hull isn’t anything major, but we should stop and fix it before it gets worse.”

“Alright, agreed.” Natalie looked up from the maps, pointing at one island that was nearby. “We’ve resupplied here in the past, it should be safe and it’s not far from our current route. Change course.”

“Yes, sir.” 

“Dismissed.” 

Pax and Nate both nodded, and turned to leave the captain’s cabin together. There had been a strong storm last night and they’d managed to weather it without major damage or injury, but it had been pretty disruptive, as storms were. Pax supposed that was kind of what they were for, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t annoying. “This is annoying,” he announced as he and Nate left. 

“Could have been worse,” Nate smiled at him. 

Pax supposed that was true, and he thought of Nate’s father and the storm that had nearly destroyed the ship before. He shouldn’t have said anything, so he just nodded. “I’m just glad everyone’s okay.”

Most of the mess had been cleaned up from the deck and everything put back in its place for the most part. All around, people were mending canvas and retying things and so forth. It was all very professional. 

Sharon was standing out there as well, leaning on a railing and looking out at the water. “Are you okay?” Pax asked as they drew near her. He hadn’t seen her yet today. “We got thrown around a lot last night.”

“I’m not hurt, though I’ve been more comfortable.” Sharon did her body-smile. “I shall live.”

“Well, that’s what we strive for here on the _Sparkling Wind_.”

“Something you’ve done an admirable job of so far.”

“Don’t compliment Pax,” Natalie said from behind them, because she’d followed them out, thus completely defeating the purpose of dismissing them earlier. “He’ll never get over it and the rest of us will have to hear about it.”

“Hey,” Pax said, rounding on her. “First of all, I’m very emotionally fragile and suffer from low self-esteem, I need all the compliments I can get. Second, the assumption that I would talk in an excessive way is slanderous and I won’t hear it.” 

“Good,” Natalie said, nodding. “If you won’t hear it, then I can say it as often as I like without repercussion.” 

Pax blinked. “That’s not…”

Nate was laughing beside him, so Pax glared at him. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“That would be mutiny.”

“You’re sleeping on the floor tonight,” Pax grumbled, looking away. 

“You all seem in light enough spirits,” Sharon said. “I trust that means the ship did not suffer any serious damage last night?”

“No.” Natalie gave a reassuring smile. “We lost a few supplies, but nothing serious. We’re going to make a short stop at a nearby island to do minor repairs and restock our fresh water, but it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

“Then I shall not be concerned,” Sharon said with a nod. 

“Will you be eating with us again tonight?” Natalie asked. Sharon had taken to eating out on the deck in the evenings, usually with the three of them. Or at least at their table, Pax tried to eat with the crew several nights a week as part of his effort not to create a segregation between officers and regular crewmen, and Nate usually did too but that was probably because he was embarrassed that Natalie always outdrank him. 

“I had planned to, so long as I’m not in the way,” Sharon told Natalie.

“You’re never in the way, I assure you. We’ve lots of room on the _Sparkling Wind_.”

“So I’ve noticed. It’s a wonderful ship you have here, Captain.”

“Thank you.” Natalie nodded, looked around. “I’ve put most of my life into her, so I appreciate the compliments.” 

“Perhaps you could tell me about it tonight at dinner. I’d like to know the story behind how you came to be captain.” A seabird landed on the rail as Sharon was talking, resting from its travels over the ocean. Probably coming back from a visit to hell, Pax assumed, glaring at it to make sure it knew not to come any closer. 

“It’s probably not as interesting a story as you think it is,” Natalie said with a smile. “But I’m happy to tell it.”

“I look forward to hearing it nonetheless,” Sharon smiled again. “People often think their stories are not as interesting as they are, I’ve found.”

The bird was inching closer, and Pax intensified his glare. He’d been told off once or twice or thirty times for shooing birds away from the ship, because ‘it was mean’ and ‘they were tired’ and ‘they were harmless’ and ‘birds aren’t the demonic hellspawn you make them out to be, Pax, calm down.’ But all of those were stupid reasons that Pax only didn’t shoo the birds because he didn’t have the time to patiently explain that to everyone all the time forever. 

The bird turned and made sudden eye contact with Pax, which made him take a bit of a step back, which made him bump into Nate, whose arms came around Pax protectively. “What…oh.” His sigh was audible.

“Shut up,” Pax advised. “I’m not scared. Just concerned about my soul being stolen or something.”

“You’re going to have to work on this fear of birds you have, Pax.” 

“So you keep saying, but I’m not seeing any evidence that that’s true.” Pax squinted at the bird, which hopped off the railing. At least it wasn’t looking at him anymore. “It’s got something in its mouth. Beak. Whatever the current politically correct terminology is for avian life forms.”

The bird did, indeed, have something in its beak, and as Pax said that it opened that beak to squawk at them—Pax found the lack of teeth that birds had disturbing—and that something fell out. Two somethings, actually. Rings, whitish, which fell on the deck and rolled in between their feet. 

Pax kind of wanted to see them closer, but he also didn’t want to touch something that had been in the possession of a bird, so he let Nate pick them up. “Weird. They look like rings.”

“They are,” Natalie confirmed, looking at Nate’s hand. “Maybe it scavenged a shipwreck or something.” 

The bird squawked again and flew away in an explosion of flapping that had Pax stepping back again. 

“It may be best to put them back in the water,” Sharon suggested, also looking at Nate’s hand. “Birds can carry a number of diseases and it’s hard to tell how long that one had those.”

“You think?” Nate looked at her, and Sharon nodded. Pax also nodded, vehemently. “Okay,” Nate said with a shrug, and he tossed them over the side. “Too bad, they were kind of cool.”

“I’ll buy you better rings in Bright Harbour,” Pax told him, feeling a strange relief that they were off the ship. Maybe his thing with birds was getting just a bit out of hand. “Ones that aren’t gross and covered in bird spit.”

Nate smiled at him. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine without.”

“If you’re sure.” Pax wasn’t averse to buying Nate things. 

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be at the helm,” Natalie said, interrupting them. “If you two could get back on repairs.”

Right, Pax had almost forgotten about that. He turned and saluted. “Yes, sir.”

“Dismissed.”

“You keep saying that,” Pax told her. “But I’m not sure you’re using it correctly.”

“Just go do your damn jobs.”

“Now that’s an order I can understand.” Pax turned his smile on Sharon. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Sharon said, though she sounded confused.

Natalie must have picked up on it as well. “You’ll get used to Pax not making sense, don’t worry.”

“Hey!”

“Your job, sailor.”

“Right.” Pax gave Natalie a look. But then took Nate and went to go do his job. Sharon followed Natalie to the helm. There were no more birds in sight for the moment. Everything was okay.


	33. It’s Hard to Listen to Gut Feelings When you Don’t Know What They’re Telling You

Pax had nearly forgotten that sand was one of his enemies. 

Even though he hadn’t sat down or even stayed on the beach that long, it was in his clothes because it was blowing around all over this stupid island with its stupid clean water, because sand was in an on-again, off-again relationship with the wind, which was another of Pax’s enemies. 

“The list is getting a bit unmanageable,” Pax muttered, grateful that at least he hadn’t worn boots. Even if that meant sand was getting in between his toes. “I should start taking hits out on them all. Or pit them against each other.” Maybe he could somehow instigate a war between sand and birds. Though that ran the risk of uniting the various types of birds under one banner, and Pax wasn’t sure he could handle the consequences of that. 

“Talking to yourself again, boss?” 

Pax looked up at Jade, shaking his head. “I’m communing with the beach spirits. They’re annoyed that we’re invading their land and that’s why there’s sand everywhere. But I’ve talked them out of mummifying us all alive by insisting that we all look better with moisture in our skin and also promising them your firstborn child. No offence, I’m sure they’ll be a perfectly nice baby, but they’ll be happier here with the sand spirits, they’ll learn how to get sand out of clothes and not have to deal with the existential horror of being related to Pig.”

“You know, being my superior officer doesn’t mean I won’t deck you,” Jade told him, hands on her hips.

“That would be mutiny,” Pax reminded her, returning his attention to the casks of water he was counting. There were six of them so far. 

“Mutiny’s only against the captain. And if you’re calling yourself the captain, _that_ would be mutiny.” Jade looked up as Tyke and Pig came out of the island’s woods—Pax refused to think of it as a jungle—with two more casks. “Nate should be back with Joel soon,” she said. 

Pax nodded. “You three go back with the first boat, I’ll follow with the others after I finish negotiations with the sand spirits.” 

“You know, this fixation you have on spirits borders on heretical,” Jade commented, picking up one of the casks and loading it into the first boat.

Pax reached down to help her. “It’s only heresy if there’s a priest around when you say it,” he told her. “And I’m most of the way through the ordination process, but not a full priest, so it doesn’t count. So there’s nothing to worry about by recognizing the objective fact that the world is governed by ambivalent manifestations of nature that all hate me.” 

“Probably because you killed their parents or something?”

“Don’t be silly, that was the Catechism. Put those right in the boat,” he said to Pig and Tyke as they came over. Pig gave Jade a kiss on the cheek. Pax rolled his eyes and left the fifth cask for him. Obvious public displays of affection were silly, Pax thought. What was even the point?

“Nate and Joel are right behind us,” Pig reported, giving Pax a salute that was clearly meant to be mocking, which he paired with a dopey grin that he often had around Jade. It was extremely clear that he was in love with her. 

“Okay.” Pax nodded. “You three head for the ship, we’ll be right behind you. Nate made sure there were no parasites in the water, right?”

He didn’t want to have come to this godforsaken lush island brimming with clean water for no reason. 

“Yes, Pax,” Tyke said, audibly rolling his eyes as Pig hefted the fifth cask. “We all checked. You could have come with us if you were worried.”

If God himself had told Pax he had to go into that jungle, Pax would have stayed here and converted to atheism. It was all the rage among philosophers these days. There had been a flock loud birds flying around when they’d landed. “Why would I do that? I trust all of you not to poison us all with worms that will take over our intestines and use them to move us around like puppets.” 

“Yeah, that’s why you told each individual one of us three times each to check for parasites,” Tyke grumbled. 

“It’s called being careful,” Pax told him, watching Pig load the last cask. “Alright, go in the boat. Go.” 

Tyke and Pig started to do just that, and Pax heard sounds from the jungle and looked up to see Nate and Joel emerging with the last two casks. To be more efficient, he busied himself by lifting one of the ones he had here into the second boat. 

“Oh, wow.” 

Pax looked up at Pig’s comment, ready to provide a snarky retort at the apparent surprise that he could lift a cask, then saw him with one leg in the boat, looking down at the water. 

“Is this your first time seeing the ocean, Pig?” he asked, because good natured teasing was an important part of friendships. 

“No, there’s just…” Pig bent over, and Pax turned to see him properly. “Look.” 

Pig stood, hands full. In one hand, a necklace with several dangling pieces, and in the other a circular arm brace. They clearly matched, made from the same whitish-green material that Pax thought looked familiar. “They just washed right up on the beach here.”

“They must belong to the sand spirits,” Pax said, eyeing them with worry. Something about them bothered him, but he couldn’t say why. “You should leave them here.”

“Nah,” Pig grinned, turned to Jade. “My love,” he said, offering her the necklace. Jade laughed a little and bowed her head, letting him put it on her. It looked very nice on her. 

“It’s a bit much,” Jade said, playing with it a little, smiling almost as dopily as Pig had been. “But I’ll take it.”

“And we’ll match.” Pig slipped the brace over his hand with some difficulty. It fit him better than Pax had thought it would. “There we go.” He held it up to the necklace, and got on his toes to kiss Jade. 

“Yes, you guys are adorable,” Pax said with a sigh. Obviously his ‘don’t wear jewelry you found on the ground’ speech was going to be wasted on them. “Can we do the thing where we go in boats and bring life-giving water back to the people on our ship, who we like and don’t want to die of dehydration? Dying of dehydration is one of the worst ways that I personally have ever died, you know, so I speak from experience when I say that it’s a fate we’d rather save the rest of our friends from.”

Pax was interrupted by a kiss on the cheek as Nate came up beside him. “Hey.”

“Oh, hello.” Pax smiled, turned, gave Nate a proper kiss. “Did you check the water for parasites?”

“Yes, sir,” Nate said patiently, moving past Pax to the casks while Joel put his in the boat. “Six times.”

“They say seven is the perfect number, you know.”

Nate grinned at him. “Do they? Good thing I checked seven times, then?”

“You just said six.” Honestly, he trusted Nate to know the difference between basic numbers. It wasn’t like they were talking about insane numbers like four and five. 

“I lied,” Nate said, kissing Pax again. “Because I knew if I said six, you’d insist that I should have done it seven times. But if I’d said seven you’d have wanted me to round up to ten.” 

While Pax took a moment to be affronted at the audacity Nate had to lie to him, crumbling the foundations of their relationship that he’d thought was built on the solid bedrock of truth, Nate looked at Pig and Jade. “You two have some fancy do to be at?”

“Just enjoying nature’s bounty, Nate,” Jade told him. 

“They washed up on the beach.” Pax told him, still collecting himself from this staggering reorientation of what he’d thought was reality.

“No harm in taking them along,” Nate said, hefting another cask of water and moving it over to the boat. “Come on, let’s get going. Wouldn’t want Pax to have to contact his necromancer friends because we were slow getting there and everyone died of thirst.” 

Pax tsked. “They’re not my friends, Nate, necromancers don’t have friends. They just owe me some favours after I helped them capture the hoard of undead wombats they accidentally unleashed on a few unsuspecting towns.”

“Right, of course.” Nate smiled, kissed Pax again. “How could I forget?”

Pax sighed as they all got into the boats, preparing to head home. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Who else is going to protect you from birds?”

“Good point.” Pax put an arm around Nate as he and Joel started rowing. It made him feel better, which also made him realize that he’d needed something to make him feel better. He wondered why, and put his head on Nate’s shoulder.

“You okay?”

Pax nodded, thinking it was true. “Just worried about parasites.”

Nate kissed the top of his head. “Don’t be.”

“I know.” Pax just liked to worry, it made him feel productive. “I love you.”

“I love you too, now stop worrying.”

“Okay.”

Pax didn’t. But he had a good time sitting beside Nate anyway, and that made it better.


	34. You Tend to Get Used to Local Customs Whether You’re Ready to or Not

Pax couldn’t remember ever being chilly on the _Sparkling Wind_ before today, but he supposed it had been bound to happen eventually. It wasn’t too terrible or anything, it just meant that he got to walk around in his boots and hear the satisfying clomp as they hit the deck. It also meant everyone was dressed, which Pax appreciated even as it seemed a little off. 

He wasn’t really doing anything; the ship was running pretty smoothly today. Nate was at the helm and Pax had just finished a check of the cargo to make sure it hadn’t gone anywhere or been infested with wolves. It hadn’t been, so that was a plus. The downside, however, was that the water from the storm had damaged some of the crates, which wasn’t a huge problem except that some of the things in them weren’t waterproof. 

So Pax needed to talk to the captain about rearranging some things, and since Nate was at the helm, he had to assume that meant she was in her cabin. And Pax knew full well the dangers of assuming things, but he also knew that he was very smart and so if he was assuming something, it was really more of an educated guess than an assumption, and an educated guess was less a guess and more a certainty, so Pax nodded to himself and headed for the door. 

Pax knocked once on the door for politeness, and pushed it open, taking a step inside. “Captain, we need to talk about…oh.”

Natalie was sitting at her small table, eating lunch. Beside her was a darker-skinned lady Pax had never seen before, thick dark hair in a heavy braid, smiling. Draped around her shoulders was the red fabric of Sharon’s veil, and she seemed surprised. 

“Pax?” Natalie asked.

“I’m sorry,” Pax said, looking away. “I didn’t mean to…I’ll come back later.” 

He retreated from the room, pulling the door shut, embarrassed. For a minute he stood there outside the door, trying to breathe normally. Obviously he’d spent too much time on this ship if he was just going into rooms without waiting for permission. Pax was going to have to fix that, it was really not a polite habit to be in and one that he was trying to cure Nate and Natalie of, it would be very hypocritical if he started doing it and would also represent a slide backwards of his own convictions and Pax liked his convictions, they were right up there on the short list of things he liked about himself, along with his knives and the fact that he was dating Nate. 

Swallowing, Pax wandered away from the door so it wouldn’t look like was lurking, and despite his general desire to go and hide when he was embarrassed and had fucked up, he found himself beside Nate at the helm.

“Hey.”

“Hi, Nate.” Pax said, looking out at the ocean, not really sure why he was here. “You seem to be doing a good job driving the ship, as usual. I see my inspection was unnecessary. I’ll leave you to…”

“What’s wrong?” 

Pax winced, remembering that Nate could read his mind, or his body language at least. He wanted to say nothing, and that he was fine, but what was the point of being together if he was going to pretend? “Um. I just walked in on the captain and Sharon.”

Nate glanced at him, looking surprised. “Really?”

Realizing how that had sounded, Pax shook his head. “Not like that, no. They were eating lunch.” 

“Scandalous,” Nate teased.

“It’s…Sharon wasn’t wearing her veil.”

Another look. “That’s upsetting?”

“Well, not in itself—she can wear whatever she wants.” Pax took a breath. “But I assume she wears it for a reason, you know? And probably only takes it off at certain times. I don’t really know everything about veiling cultures, the only one I really know about is the R’ysh people in the far east and I’ve never been there, but I know that some women there veil themselves when they’re in a place where men might see them, and if that’s where Sharon’s from she might have only taken off her veil because she thought she was alone with the captain and then I just barged in and I just…feel really bad.” Pax’s voice caught a little at the end there, and he thought he might be shaking a bit.

“Hey,” Nate said, taking a hand off the wheel and pulling Pax closer. “Maybe before you get upset, you should wait and find out if she’s upset, yeah?”

Pax leaned into Nate, letting the side-hug comfort him. “Too late.” He sniffed a bit. “I’ll be okay. I just feel like a jerk.”

“Okay. It was just a mistake. You’re allowed to make those once in a while.”

“I know.” Nate was so nice. He was a lot nicer to Pax than Pax was to himself. “I just wish I could make mistakes that didn’t hurt other people.” Pax knew there was no reason for him to be upset about this. He knew that crying about it was silly. He knew that he shouldn’t even be worrying about how he felt, and he knew that Sharon probably didn’t hate him now. But at the same time that he knew all of those things, it didn’t matter because he also knew that he couldn’t help feeling the way he did. He couldn’t help feeling like a fuck-up even if he wasn’t. 

“You didn’t hurt her.” Nate just held him there, arm around Pax’s middle, letting Pax lean on his shoulder. He didn’t try to tell Pax he was being dumb or that he should calm down, he just stood there, being strong and firm and comforting and remind Pax that he wasn’t alone.

Pax had mostly managed to get himself under control—still feeling kind of like shit, but at least not demonstrating it on his body—when he heard the captain’s door open. “I should go,” he said quietly, eyes shut.

“Pax,” Nate said, holding him there still. 

“Yes?”

“Has hiding ever solved a problem for you?”

Pax stood still, ceasing his efforts to pull away from Nate. “Well, there was that one time when I was in this baron’s house and his guards were swarming everywhere because someone decided to carry out an assassination while I was stealing his pen. I’d say hiding really solved my ‘potentially being stabbed to death’ problem that night.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Nodding, Pax sighed. “I know.” He’d known that. “I guess if we’re limiting it entirely to problems that are caused by my emotional fragility, then no.”

“You’re not emotionally fragile,” Nate told him. 

“Yeah, because this right here is the picture of emotional stability,” Pax muttered, voice wavering. “Hiding protects me in the short term.”

“You can hide after you talk to her, okay? I’ll cover your duties while you do.”

Pax let out a long sigh, nodded, and opened his eyes. “Okay.” Though Pax might have had a lifetime of dealing with his own problems and Nate only just under a year, there was the point to be made that Pax’s methods were not the most efficient and that maybe trying something new would help.

So Pax disengaged from Nate, took a breath to steady himself, and turned around when he heard two sets of footsteps approaching the helm. Sharon stood beside Natalie, veiled again, watching Pax. She didn’t seem angry, but it was very hard to tell when he couldn’t see her face. 

“I’m really sorry!” Pax said in a jumble, wanting to say it and get it over with. “I didn’t mean to invade your privacy like that, I promise I didn’t know you were in there.”

“It’s quite alright,” Sharon assured him with an incline of her head. “Perhaps if you could knock next time?”

Pax nodded with a lot more vigour than necessary. “I will. I’m usually very good at knocking. Except for today.” 

“Then there’s no reason for either of us to worry.” Sharon seemed to be smiling. Pax thought she was smiling, anyway. 

Pax didn’t agree, but he nodded. “Thank you. And I’m sorry.”

“There’s no cause to apologize twice for one mistake,” Sharon told him. “I think there was something you needed to talk to your captain about?”

“Oh.” Pax had forgotten about that. He took another breath, turned to the captain. She also didn’t look like she was mad, so that was good. “There was some damage to the cargo crates from the water. I want to rearrange some things so the cargo isn’t hurt.”

Natalie nodded. “If you think that’s best. The cargo hold is your domain, sailor.”

Pax smiled a little bit. “Don’t give me a domain. I’ll institute order of law as I see fit down there.”

“You do that.” Natalie shifted her gaze from Pax to Nate. “Nate, I’ll take the helm. I think the quartermaster is going to need your help down there.”

“I do too, Captain,” Nate agreed, while Pax scowled at his boots. Nate moved away from the helm, Natalie took it, and Nate took Pax’s hand and gently let him away. “Come on.”

Pax followed after him, glancing back at the captain and Sharon, chatting again, as they left. “I can do it, it’s okay.”

“Your tendency to isolate yourself when you’re upset scares me,” Nate muttered, firmly leading Pax to the hold. “I don’t want to spend all day worrying about you.” 

“I’m fine,” Pax insisted. “You heard Sharon. She’s not mad, it’s fine. I’m okay now.”

“Are you?”

Pax swallowed, squeezed Nate’s hand. “Not yet. But I will be.”

“Then let me stay with you until you are,” Nate insisted. “We don’t have to talk. It’s just the same as hiding, except this time I’ll know where you are.” 

“You always know where I am anyway.” Pax couldn’t really deny the flutter in his chest at that, though. Nate was so thoughtful. 

“Yeah, but I pretend I don’t to make you feel better. Come on, work will help distract you.”

Pax closed his eyes, nodded. “Okay. Thank you, Nate. I love you.”

“I love you too, Pax. Let’s go.”

Pax went with him, and they spent a few hours working. Pax wasn’t sure it was more effective than hiding, but it was at least a good alternative.


	35. It’s Funny How Something Can Be Totally Predictable but Still Come out of Nowhere

Pax had a complicated relationship with rain. 

On the one hand, it made for a nice cover when he was getting out of people’s houses and trying to escape into the night, plus it made him seem all dramatic by robbing people during a thunderstorm, which was a major plus. On the other hand, it made rooftops slippery, made it hard not to track puddles inside other people’s houses where he was trying to pass undetected, and made his clothes wet, which he hated. 

Now that Pax wasn’t in the thievery business anymore, most of those reasons didn’t matter much, and he’d gotten a lot more used to his clothes being wet since living on the ocean for the past ten and a bit months. Now there was the fear that enough rain might make the _Sparkling Wind_ sink, balanced out against the fact that he got to feel like a crusty sailor working the ship in the rain. 

It balanced out, pretty much.

Driving the ship in the rain wasn’t his favourite thing in the world to do, because the rain put down visibility and increased the chances that they were going to hit an underwater mountain or the physical manifestation of Pax’s insecurities or something, but it had been raining for the past few days and they hadn’t hit anything yet, so Pax was reasonably confident that they would continue not to hit anything while he was at the wheel. They had that ‘not hitting anything’ momentum that he really liked when driving. 

“Sailor.”

“Captain,” Pax said, glancing over at Natalie as she approached the helm. “All clear, not that you can tell in all this nonsense.”

“Good to hear.”

“The all clear includes your shirt, which is more transparent than usual in the rain,” Pax commented, eyes forward. Honestly, who wore white when it was pouring rain?

“Is that so?” Natalie asked, smiling. Pax couldn’t see her smiling, but she was. “Thank you for letting me know.”

“I assume you already did, seeing as you’re the one wearing it and all. Don’t misunderstand—it doesn’t bother me, nor would I expect it to matter to you if it did. I was just commenting, making the small talk as co-workers often do.”

“I get it, Pax. I’d be surprised if it bothered you. It doesn’t seem to with Nate.”

Nate also thought it was acceptable to wear white in the rain, and even though Pax saw Nate naked on a really rather regular basis, seeing as how they were romantic and sexual partners who slept in the same bed, seeing him in clothes but also seeing his chest through the clothes was a very specific sort of distracting that had taken Pax very off-guard the first few dozen times it had happened. 

Fortunately, the rain made it hard to maintain an erection for long.

Pax cleared his throat, realizing that he’d been thinking about Nate for a minute there and not answering the question he’d been asked, which really was very rude. “No,” he reiterated. “It doesn’t bother me. I am perfectly content to let people wear whatever they want, as you well know. It would be awfully hypocritical of me to get uptight about other people’s clothes when I’m so particular about what I wear, wouldn’t it be?”

“It would,” Natalie agreed, looking out at the water no. “I’ll take the helm for a while. Go dry off.”

“Where?” Pax grumbled. Everywhere was wet, even in the cabins it was damp at best. He let go of the wheel and moved away, letting Natalie deal with the whole “not able to see ten feet” thing that the environment had going on at the moment, and headed for his cabin. 

Pax was extremely perceptive and always paid a lot of attention to his surroundings, and even if the rain dulled that a little, he still noticed Pig coming up the deck towards him as he reached his cabin door, and nodded at him as he went to open it. 

It was also when he was able to mostly jump aside when Pig ran to collide with him a second later. “Pig!” Pax said, surprised. 

But Pig wasn’t listening. He was grabbing at Pax’s cabin door, obviously planning to get in. “What are you doing?”

“Have to get the Crown…” Pig muttered, pulling the door open. 

“Hey,” Pax grabbed him by the wrist, swung him around. “Did Nate aske you to…”

Pig shouted, threw out his arm with all his strength and tried to push Pax back. Pax held on, refusing to be shoved, and ducked under Pig to get in between him and the door. “What is wrong with you?”

“I need the Crown!” Pig shouted at him, hand coming up to strike Pax. 

Pax blocked him, surprised by how strong Pig was, and gave him a push back. On Pig’s right arm he was wearing the brace he’d picked upon that island. “Stop that,” Pax told him. “One of us will get hurt and it’s not going to be me.”

As if to prove him wrong, Pig leapt forward with a punch so telegraphed that Pax’s grandparents had probably seen it coming. Pax ducked under it easily and punched Pig in the stomach, doubling him over. “Stop,” he ordered. “Something is wrong with you and I think…”

He didn’t end up being able to say what he thought, because Jade suddenly leapt on him from the side, lifting Pax from his feet and out of the way of the door. “Jade…” Pax strained, reaching out and kicking Pig in the head as he tried to get in the cabin again, which had the effect of pushing him and Jade backwards. 

“Hey!” That was Peak’s voice, and he was approaching Jade angrily. “What’s going on here?”

Jade let go of Pax, picked Peak up in one arm and tossed him over the rail. 

“Shit,” Pax said, rushing over there. “Man overboard!” he called, waving. Natalie had turned at the helm and was watching. “Somebody get a rope.” 

Pig was getting up and going for the door again. Why did he want in there so badly? Assuming that somebody was going to fish Peak out of the water, Pax drew his heavy knife. “If you told me what you wanted, in a way that made sense I’d let you have it,” he said, other hand reaching into his clothes for a second blade. Another disadvantage of the rain was that it made it harder to get to those quickly. “But if you’re going to start hurting people, I’m going to stop both of you.”

Somehow.

“The Crown,” Pig said, turning to face Pax. Was the threat of the knife enough to distract him from the cabin? “We want the Crown.”

He gave a glance at Jade, who ran at him, but not before Nate appeared from somewhere, on her back, arms wrapping around her neck, pulling her away, his arm pressed up against that necklace Pig had given her…

Pax’s eyes went back to Pig, to the brace on his arm. “You’re being controlled,” he said, moving into a fighting stance. “It’s okay, I’m going to help you.”

“You—” Pax didn’t let him finish before he ran at Pig, striking at his right arm with the heavy knife, which Pig predictably guarded with the brace—harder material than it looked—sending his right arm flying wide. Pax gave him a very light slash with the real knife, just to get him to stagger, then dropped both blades, grabbed Pig’s right arm and swung him around, pinning him with his arm behind his back. 

“Let go of me!” Pig hollered, struggling with a lot more strength than he should have. 

“Shut up,” Pax growled, hands on the wet brace, which didn’t feel like metal now but had when Pax had hit it, and he tugged it hard, ignoring Pig’s scream and getting the damn thing off his arm with a pop that had both of them falling to the ground. 

“Oh, God,” Pig said, panting. “What the…”

Pax could hear the ocean roaring in his head, and he looked down at the brace for a good second, before, with a heaving breath, he threw it as hard as he could over the side. “Fuck,” he muttered. “Are you okay?”

“I’m…Jade, where’s Jade?” Pig looked around frantically, and Pax looked with him. Jade had dislodged herself from Nate and was taking swings at him with a small knife while Nate ducked and weaved. A few other crew were surrounding them, including Natalie, who’d come down from the helm and had her own knife out. 

But all Pax focused on was that Nate was in danger, and he picked up his knives, stood straight. “I’ll get her,” he growled.

“Don’t hurt her! She doesn’t know what she’s doing!” Pig called out as Pax headed over there. Two people were at the rail with a rope, fishing Peak out of the water. 

Pax waved at Pig over his shoulder, watching the way Jade moved as he approached her. “Move,” he said to Tyke as he entered the ring of sailors. Tyke dutifully moved aside, giving Pax room to bend his legs and say, “Hey!”

Jade swung around as Pax had expected her to, snarling at him. “We just want the Crown,” she gritted. It looked like she was in pain.

“Hurting my boyfriend is not how you get it,” Pax promised, and he leapt at her, toppling Jade to the ground, bringing his hands behind her neck as they moved, tossing the knives aside again. 

Jade grabbed him, trying to dislodge Pax. “Let go of me!”

Pax didn’t last long on top of her with how strong she was, but just as she lifted him to toss him, he managed to get undone the clasp on the necklace. She tossed him back and Pax went flying, landing on the wet deck not far away and sliding until his back hit the rail painfully. 

Pax sighed, laying there a second with his eyes closed with the crew jumped on Jade. He slid the necklace in between the spokes on the railing, letting it hit the water, then he stood. “Get off her,” he called, shouting over Pig, who was also being carefully restrained now. Peak was just climbing over the rail, Joel and Pick pulling him up. “She’s okay now.”

Nate appeared, hands on Pax’s arms. “Are you okay? That looked like it hurt.”

Pax smiled, reached up and put his hand on Nate’s cheek. “It did, but I’m fine. I have built in padding. Are you okay?”

“She didn’t hit me,” Nate said. 

“You’re lying.”

“She didn’t hit me that hard.”

“That’s better. We’ll compare bruises in a minute.” Pax smiled again, looking from Nate to the captain. “The jewelry was possessing them.”

“Hate it when that happens,” Natalie muttered, approaching and glancing at Jade as she stood. She seemed okay. “Let’s see what they have to say.”

Pig and Jade were brought towards them. “Explain,” Natalie said, arms crossed. 

“I don’t know what happened, Cap’n.” Pig was muttering and looking at the ground, hard to hear over the rain. “I just…suddenly had to go find a Crown, and damn whoever tried to stop me.”

Jade nodded. “I was still me, but all I wanted to do was find it.”

“Reads like compulsion magic more than anything,” Pax said, thinking about it. He kind of wanted Sharon’s opinion, but she was in her cabin and was also still pretending not to have magic, and he didn’t want to out her without proper justification. “It was making them want to do something so badly it was all they could think about. They wanted this Crown…”

A crown. And they’d been looking for it in Pax and Nate’s room. 

Pax felt sick. “Excuse me.”

“Pax?”

Pax ignored Nate, headed for the cabin at a face pace. When he was there, he went to the corner, found his bag, the one he’d brought with him from White Cape and barely opened since. He opened it now, dug inside, pulling clothes he didn’t need and a few bags of coin out, tossing them aside. Into the hidden pocket, where he grabbed the golden knife, carefully wrapped, and set it down, before reaching for the other wrapped package, taking it out of the cloth he’d covered it in.

The white-green coral crown he’d taken from Philip’s house on the night he’d stolen he two stones. And brought here, onto the ship.

The ocean roared in Pax’s head, alongside something else, a suggestion. 

_Put it on._

“Pax?”

Pax looked up at Nate, standing there in the door, worried. “You ran off.”

Pax held up the crown. The Crown. “This is what they wanted. I stole it in Merket and brought it onboard. I didn’t know what it was.”

He still didn’t know what it was. He just knew that it looked like it would fit him. 

“You should toss it overboard,” Nate said, coming into the cabin and putting his hand on Pax’s shoulder.

Pax’s grip on the Crown tightened, and he nodded. “Yeah.” In here, the rain falling was twice as loud, the sound of it hitting the room overtaking the rest of the world’s volume. “I should.”

“Come on.” Nate pulled Pax to his feet, and Pax went with him, back out into the rain. All he could hear was rain and the ocean. At the railing, they faced the waves together. The other pieces were out there somewhere. 

Waiting.

“Pax.”

“Yes.”

“Throw it.”

“Right.” Pax raised his hand, ready to throw the crown. 

_Put it on._

Pax’s knuckles were white with his grip on the Crown. Nate’s hand was on his wrist. With a cry, Pax threw the thing over the railing, a sense of relief coming over him immediately. He stood there, panting. “There.”

“Good job.”

“I wanted to put it on,” Pax admitted, as he caught his breath. That had been…frightening. 

“I know. You didn’t.”

Pax nodded, and he turned to Nate, hugged him and let Nate hug him back for a long minute. “No,” he said after that minute. “I didn’t, and you know why? It’s because I’m a paragon of self-control. And also because you were here. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You wouldn’t have put it on anyway, Pax,” Nate said quietly. “You’d never let a piece of ugly jewelry control you.”

“There was that one time with the Amulet of Ugliness, but I don’t like to talk about that,” Pax took a breath, stepped back. “I’m sorry. All of that was my fault.”

Nate shook his head, smiling at Pax. “No, it wasn’t,” he said, in that tone that Nate used when he thought Pax was being silly. “But I accept your apology, since I know that will make you feel better.”

It did, and Pax smiled up at Nate. “I’m going to go apologize to the captain too. And explain what happened. Inasmuch as I know what happened, which I don’t really.”

“Well, that’s a big admission. You’ll make something up between here and there, right?”

Pax laughed, shook his head. “I never make anything up, Nate. But even if I did, I wouldn’t today. I don’t have it in me. I’m just glad that thing’s gone.”

“Yeah, me too.” Nate laughed, put his arm around Pax. “Alright, let’s go talk to the captain. Then maybe we can dry off together, yeah?”

“You know, sailor, I think you’ve got something else in mind there,” Pax accused, as they walked. 

“You’re damned right I do, sailor,” Nate grinned from ear to ear as the led Pax back to the helm.

The rain was still falling. Pax didn’t mind.


	36. It Rarely Hurts to Stop Working and Start Relaxing a Little Early

Pax was very dutiful and meticulous, and always did all the jobs assigned to him as well as he could, which was to say exceptionally well, better than most people, pretty much no matter what it was. Pax happened to be good at most things, and the things he wasn’t good at were things that didn’t matter, like turning into animals or interior design. 

He could probably turn into a cat if he wanted to. 

Anyway, Pax was really good at a lot of things, and one of those things was watch duty in the crow’s nest. He kept a really good eye on the ocean to make sure it wasn’t up to anything. But the thing was, it got really boring when nothing happened for hours, and when it was still pouring rain, Pax mostly just ended up huddled up under a cloak, watching the ocean for a long time while he couldn’t see anything and nothing happened and it was extremely boring. 

At least when it rained there were no birds.

Pax sighed, turning to look at the other side of the ocean, which was similarly boring, but now right and left were reversed. He’d seen what had looked like the shape of another ship a while back, but it had disappeared and not come back, so it was probably nothing. He’d gone down to report it, though, just for something to do. 

He had another hour left in his shift up here. Pax could have wiggled out of this, probably, but he would have owed someone major for dropping this on them in this weather, and Pax didn’t want that on his conscience or his purse, and he definitely didn’t want it on his schedule. 

One more hour and then he could go down and go to the cabin and cuddle with Nate to warm up. He couldn’t wait. 

Because he was so focused on watching the sky try to drown the ocean, Pax didn’t notice that he was technically not alone in the crow’s nest until Nate’s leg was swinging over the basket behind him. “Hello, Nate,” Pax said, smiling over his shoulder. Nate wasn’t wearing anything but one of those stupid see-through white shirts and some stupid not see-through pants that clung to him rather impressively in the rain. “You’re right on time.”

“Am I?” Nate asked, coming to lean beside Pax. “I was expecting you to tell me off for being late.”

Pax scoffed. Nate hadn’t even realized he wasn’t late. “I was just thinking about you.”

“Funny, I was just thinking about you too.”

“The difference being that I didn’t abandon my post to come find you,” Pax added, side-eyeing Nate for a second. “Just kidding, I know you’re off-duty.”

“I’m here to give you a break,” Nate told him.

“I have an hour left.”

“An hour-long break, then.”

Pax chuckled. “You being here will make it seem like half that,” he said, meaning it even though it sounded corny. 

“Yeah, but the rain makes every minute feel like three,” Nate snorted.

“Time is a lie.”

“So your hour is up then?”

“It’s a lie the captain believes in,” Pax said with a sigh. She was so limited in her insistence on existing in a continuum of events. 

“I’m pretty sure earthly authority is a lie too,” Nate pointed out, turning a little to look at Pax now. 

“Yes, but deaths by drowning aren’t, and that’s the punishment for not pretending that earthly authority is real when it comes to the matter of listening to your mom when she tells us to do something.”

“Fair enough,” Nate muttered. “She wouldn’t drown us.”

“No, she’d make us work opposite shifts all the time.” Which was worse.

“ _We_ make the schedules.”

Pax made the schedules and Nate watched, but that was fine. “Mutiny is bad for the complexion, Nate. Just suck it up and we can cuddle in an hour when I’m done keeping an eye out for krakens and evil jewelry.”

He was pretty concerned about the latter, but they’d seen no sign of it since the other day, and Pig and Jade both seemed normal, so everything was probably fine, no matter how much Pax refused to believe that everything was fine. 

Nate made a frustrated noise, and then he looked at Pax, a smile on his lips. “Is that what you were thinking about doing with me? Cuddling?”

“Of course,” Pax said, keeping his voice admirably even. Nate had better be admiring how even he was keeping his voice. “We are dating, you know, and have been for quite a while now, it’s a normal thing to expect. Though of course if you don’t want to we don’t have to, I mean we’re together but we’re different people and it’s not like I own your body or get to dictate what you do with it.”

“Maybe I like being dictated to,” Nate teased.

Pax looked at him for a minute. Then he looked at him for a minute longer. “You came up here because you’re horny, didn’t you?”

“I came up here because I wanted to see you,” Nate said, affecting affront. “I’m scandalized that you would think I had less than noble intentions when all I wanted was to put an end to the loathsome time alone from the love of my life.”

“You shouldn’t babble,” Pax grumped, edging closer to Nate. “You sound silly.”

“Do I?”

“If that was a poke at me we’re not having sex until it stops raining.”

“It wasn’t,” Nate promised, wide eyed. It totally had been. 

“Fine,” Pax said, because he wasn’t about to inflict that punishment on himself for no good reason. He leaned in and kissed Nate, turning to he could press his body against Nate’s, pulling Nate towards him to deepen the kiss.

Nate kissed him back, tongue and all, hands moving under Pax’s cloak and around his back, pressing back until they were tight against each other, sitting down so they weren’t in danger of falling, then half-laying in the limited space with Pax mostly on top of Nate. “I really don’t like what the rain does to your pants,” Pax murmured against Nate’s lips, hands moving down a bit. “They’re not see-through enough for me.”

“Me either,” Nate agreed, hands finding the waistband of Pax’s pants. “None of your clothes are see-through enough for me.”

“Obviously we’re both falling short in the clothes department,” Pax started tugging at Nate’s pants as well. “Let’s alleviate that a bit.”

“Not to mention a serious constriction problem.”

“That too,” Pax agreed. 

Between the two of them, they managed to get two pairs of pants down at least to thigh height, and Pax got distracted grabbing Nate’s now free erection and didn’t bother taking them down any farther. Nate followed suit, and they started kissing again, Pax’s cloak fanning out above them, the rain pattering all down Pax’s back as they kissed, stroking each other.

“Here…” Nate said between kisses, pulling Pax closer, shifting his grip so that his hand was around both of them.

Pax made a low noise, and he did the same so their hands were nearly clasped, dicks pressed together as they both stroked, rubbed, pressed, thrust. Kissed, swam.

Flew. Pax held Nate tight in his free arm as he took off, crying out as he splattered Nate’s hand and belly, moving his hips on instinct as he sought more, more and more and got it all, got everything from Nate. He was finished before Nate tensed under him, gave a deeper moan, and went flying as well, adding his own warmth to the mess.

They collapsed, Pax on top of Nate, breathing onto each other for a while, the rain surrounding them. Pax enjoyed the closeness, enjoyed Nate. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Pax was quiet for a second longer. “I’m going to move now so the rain cleans you off. You’re going to have a mess on your shirt.”

“I can fix that by taking my shirt off,” Nate told him, pulling Pax closer, not fixing either of their pants. “Let’s cuddle.”

“Fine.”

“You put up surprisingly little resistance.”

“I’m weak to cuddles,” Pax muttered, resting his head on Nate’s shoulder. “Nothing had better hit the ship while we’re doing this or I’ll get in trouble.”

“I’ll take the blame if it does.”

“Of course you will. I’m not sure that will be a comfort when we’re decorating the bottom of the ocean.”

“Is that a colourful metaphor or are you planning to live there?”

Pax wasn’t sure. “If mermaids can do it, why can’t we?”

“Because we don’t have gills.”

“Well, that’s racist.” 

“We’ll tell God that if we ever meet him, okay?”

“Works for me.” Pax took in a deep breath. “I’m glad you came up here.”

“So am I, Pax.”

Pax was so good at lookout duty he could do it without even looking out. Made cuddling with his favourite person a whole lot easier.


	37. Life is Dangerous and Unpredictable and That’s What Makes it Precious

“The government up north is divided into five provinces,” Sharon told Pax, leaning against the rail of the ship with him in the rain. She was in green today. “Each of them ruled by a local leader. They say the five provinces harken back to the old tribal days, but that’s probably not true.”

“I shouldn’t think so,” Pax muttered, watching the water. He wished it would stop raining. “That’s a long line of continuity to keep.”

“Exactly. More likely it’s a relatively recent invention that they use the five ancient tribes to legitimate. It’s probably the pieces their empire split into after what we call the Flame War depleted their resources. The five governors form a council of leaders that runs the nation—if you’d call it a nation—together through decision.” 

“Do they vote?” Pax asked, squinting. “Or are decisions unanimous?”

“That I don’t know, I’m afraid. I do know that three of the provinces have their people select the leaders by vote. One bases leadership on the completion of a series of trials. Only one of the five provinces has a hereditary lordship like we’d recognize.”

“And yet their society hasn’t collapsed.” Pax smiled, looking at Sharon. “Nobody had better let that get out, or we’ll all realize we don’t need hereditary leadership to get by and then what would happen?”

“Something unpleasant, I’m sure.” Sharon smiled behind her veil. “It may not surprise you to learn that in their attempts to colonize, Aergyre is having the most success in the province ruled by hereditary leaders—and not only because they’re the ones with most of the coastal territory.” 

“Because they’re the ones most nervous about staying in power,” Pax guessed.

“I suspect so. And of course because they’re the ones who have the most potential investment in a destabilization of the five-province system.”

“And the reinstatement of an imperial regime.” 

“Which benefits Aergyre just fine, which I suspect I don’t need to tell you.”

Pax smiled. “Make them a throne, marry one of the empress’s sons to the daughter of whoever’s sitting on it, wait twenty years, continue to be economically secure while the north dissolves into chaos at the change in leadership, and suddenly you’ve got one empire instead of two.”

“I do wonder what Dolovai and Kyaine will do in that case.”

“Panic?” Pax asked, shrugging. “They may consolidate. They’re already trying by marrying the southern prince to the northern crown princess, right? Maybe they’ll move east, try to expand territory that way.”

That was Pax fishing. He suspected Sharon was from the far east, but had no proof. 

“They might, I can’t say. Safer to start a proxy war in the northern continent, keep that region from stabilizing so the empire is distracted.” Sharon was very smart, especially when it came to politics and not revealing things about herself. 

“They may not have to,” Pax added. He was pretty smart too. “The empire won’t have that easy a time getting power over the far north. Their armies don’t fight in the cold and they’ve consistently underestimated the north for twenty years, I don’t think they’re likely to stop. The hereditary leadership of the costal province will start to collapse in the next few years and you’ll get organized resistance against imperial presence. Then they won’t have an inroad into the consolidated north, because the three elected governments will rebuff them—they have the central parts of the continent locked up, and that’s where the resources are that don’t come from the ocean.” 

“Oh? I’m starting to think you knew more about the north than you were letting on, Pax.”

Pax smiled. “I never said I didn’t know anything. Just that I wanted to know more. The real problem is going to be that ritually-selected leader. You’ll get them deciding that they’re the real heirs to the old empire, and…” Pax frowned, pointed out over the rail. “There’s a ship out there.”

“So there is,” Sharon confirmed, seeming to frown.

Pax looked up to the crow’s nest, where Peak wasn’t ringing a bell. With a sigh, he pushed off from the rail. “I’d better go tell the captain. I’ll be back.”

“I shall wait here and keep an eye on them for you.”

“Thank you.” Pax smiled as he set off. He had no doubt that Sharon was not getting off in Bright Harbour. 

Natalie was in her cabin and Nate was at the helm, so Pax headed for the cabin, rapped on the door. “Captain.”

“Come in,” Natalie called, and Pax did. “What is it, sailor?” she asked, sitting at her writing desk, reading something. Which was really a misuse of the writing desk. He would have to build her a reading desk or something. 

“There’s a ship coming at us from the north,” Pax told her. “And also I’m going to subject Peak to forty lashes for not ringing the bell.” 

“Save the forty lashes and just pester him about it for weeks, you’re going to do that anyway and it amounts to the same about of suffering,” Natalie told him, standing up. She grabbed her hat and spyglass and followed Pax out into the rain, heading over to join Sharon at the rail when Pax pointed. “Get Nate, will you?”

Pax nodded, went to the helm. “Nate. There’s a ship.” He pointed in the general direction, trusting Nate to notice Natalie and Sharon standing there and pick it up from there.

Nate did, in fact, manage to figure out what Pax meant, and he frowned. “Alright.” He gave a look out at the ocean, then let go of the wheel, waving for Pax to follow him over there. 

“We’d better not hit anything while you’re not driving the ship,” Pax chided, though there was nothing for them to hit that he could see.

But then, it was always the things he didn’t see that Pax tended to hit. Unless he was trying to hit something, in which case it was only the things he could see, because Pax had good aim. Though sometimes he aimed and hit things he couldn’t see too, because that was how good his aim was.

“Well, I considered leaving you at the helm,” Nate told him as the walked. “But you wanted to come over with us because you’re too curious not to, so I decided it was a crapshoot to even give the order.”

Pax narrowed his eyes. “I wouldn’t have disobeyed an order.”

“I know. But you’d have been annoyed about it.” Nate smiled. “These kinds of high-level decisions are why I’m in charge around here.”

“Funny, last I checked I was the one wearing the captain’s hat,” Natalie said as Nate came into her hearing. 

“For now,” Nate teased, leaning against the rail beside her and peering at the ship as Natalie looked at it through the spyglass. “Navy?”

“I don’t think so,” Natalie mused, handing Nate the glass. “It’s heading right for us, though.”

Frowning, Nate looked out now. Pax watched him, and watched Natalie, and they both looked concerned, so Pax got concerned too. “Another merchant ship?” he asked, though he suspected it wasn’t.

“Maybe,” Nate said, in that way that people said the word ‘maybe’ and it meant ‘definitely not.’

“It’s impossible to be sure at this distance,” Natalie explained.

“But you think it’s pirates.” 

Natalie didn’t say anything. 

A moment later, Nate dropped the spyglass, handed it back. “Hard to tell in the rain, but it looks like a white shark on a black field.”

“I don’t know that insignia,” Natalie said, mostly to herself.

“Neither do I.”

“They’re coming right for us,” Natalie said, sighing. “We could try to outrun them. But I’m not sure how successful we’d be. They’re moving fast.”

Discerning how quickly a ship was moving at this distance was not a skill Pax had developed in his time on the ocean, so he assumed Natalie was right about that. “Are we going to fight them?”

The crew of the _Sparkling Wind_ wasn’t exactly the most fighting-ready group of people. Pax knew most of them could use a weapon, but he had a feeling he was the most competent fighter onboard. Which was…concerning. 

“We may not have a choice,” Natalie said. “I’ll try to barter with them first. Alert the crew. Sharon, it would be best if you went in your cabin until this is over.”

“I’ll stay out here,” Sharon said, shaking her head. “If everything goes badly, a door isn’t going to keep them out, now is it?”

A door with miles of magical wards on it might just keep them out, Pax thought, watching Sharon. 

“Pax,” Nate said, tugging his arm.

“What?”

“The crew. Come on.”

“Right,” Pax said, casting a glance at Sharon over his shoulder as he went with Nate. It took them fifteen minutes to alert and arm the crew, who arrayed on the deck, holding the few weapons on the ship with varying levels of competence. Only Cedric, who was holding a cleaver, looked ready to fight someone for real. 

It was raining, and that made it hard to get to his knife harnesses, so Pax took off his shirt. He couldn’t be slowed down if it came to a fight.

“Hey,” Nate said, as the ship drew closer. He pulled Pax into a hug. “It’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah,” Pax agreed, hugging back. He could feel Nate’s medallion against his chest. “I know. I won’t let anything happen to this ship, Nate. Or the people on it.” This was his home, and these people were Pax’s family. 

“Neither will I. To you, either.”

“Yeah.” Pax let Nate hold him there for a minute. “It’s going to be fine.”

He wished he didn’t think he was lying. 

The pirate ship drew closer and closer, until it was right up beside them. Their insignia was indeed a white shark, the kind whose head looked like a hammer, against back canvas. It was painted on their sail in rough paint, and also on the side of the hull over where the name should be.

Across the deck of the other ship, a number of men and women stood with bows and arrows, nocking and aiming at them. “Surrender or die!” Someone shouted, a man in a long coat. That, Pax thought, was really very trite and tacky. 

“Parley!” Natalie called back. “We’ll speak with you.”

“You’ll throw down weapons and surrender your cargo,” the man shouted back. 

Oh, dear. Pax put his hand on his knife. He wished there weren’t so many archers. Sharon was standing beside Natalie. Nate put his hand on Pax’s shoulder, not impeding his movement. “Get onto their ship and get their captain,” he muttered. 

Pax nodded, already planning his route. 

“We’ll do no such thing,” Natalie said. The pirates were carrying boarding planks to their rail, preparing to lay them down. 

“Prepare to be boarded. Fire!” 

Pax wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn’t. He watched the archers carefully. “Everyone down,” he called out, raising his hand to the crew behind him.

The pirates drew back, and fired. Arrows flew. Miraculously, they all missed, hitting the deck harmlessly. 

Planks were lowered. “Charge!” The pirate captain shouted. 

Pax drew his heavy knife, smiling sideways at Nate. “Keep the captain safe,” he said. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m going to worry about you.”

There was a crack, and all the boarding planks fell into the water between the ships, broken in two. “What…” Nate asked.

Pax looked at Sharon, who’d raised her hand. “I won’t allow it,” she said, and suddenly both ships rocked, pushed apart by a great force that had water splashing over the rails and several additional meters growing between the two vessels. 

Pax struggled to keep his feet, eyes on Sharon. 

“Holy fuck,” Nate muttered. “She’s magic.”

“Yeah,” Pax agreed.

“You knew.”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” Nate used that tone that suggested they weren’t done talking about this, which was fair. Maybe keeping that particular secret for Sharon hadn’t been the best decision. 

But instead of worrying about it, Pax just watched as Sharon pointed at the pirate ship. “I shall give you one warning. Retreat now and do not return. Or else.”

There was silence for a moment. And then a solitary arrow flew from the pirate ship, aimed right at Sharon. 

In the pouring rain, the arrow burned away before it could touch her. Sharon shook her head. “Very well.” She waved at the ship.

In the pouring rain, it burst into flame. Every surface, every piece of wood, everything, on fire. The air was filled with screaming, with cracking, with burning. Pax felt a little nauseous. Sharon gestured, and a massive wave crashed into the ship, capsizing it and dousing the fire. There was no more screaming now. 

All of them stood, watched the pirate ship sink, bodies and detritus floating in the water. Nobody spoke. Pax let go of his knife, held Nate’s hand instead. 

When the last of the ship disappeared under the water, Sharon turned to Natalie. “I apologize for the…brutality. It was in poor taste.”

“No,” Natalie said, shaking her head. “It’s no more than pirates deserve. Thank you for saving my ship.”

“You’ve made it a home to me since I’ve been here. I could hardly let someone harm it. Or you.”

“Thank you.” Natalie took Sharon’s hand, turned to the crew. “Return to your duties,” she said simply. “And…thank you.”

A cheer went up among the crew, celebrating the victory, if that was what it was. Pax cheered too, and so did Nate, but only once each. Nate put his arm around Pax, pulling him close. “I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“I’m glad you’re safe too, Nate,” Pax said, leaning against him, an island of calm in the loud. He watched Sharon, standing there in the rain with Natalie. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Sharon looked over at Pax, and they shared a look. After a long moment, he turned away, looked up at Nate. “Told you there was nothing to worry about.”

“Pretty sure I told you that, actually.”

Pax smiled. “Well, one of us told the other, and we’re a unit. So either way. We were right.”

“Yeah,” Nate said, kissing Pax. “We were right.”


	38. Some Storms You Just Cannot Prepare for

The storm blew in out of nowhere, or at least Pax wished he could say it did. 

It actually had been building for a few days, the constant rain getting heavier, the clouds getting darker, the air getting warmer, the wind gusting sporadically. The water had gotten more roiled and the seabirds that sometimes took refuge on the ship had all but vanished. 

Anyone with basic observation skills had known a storm was coming, but Pax preferred to pretend that it came out of nowhere. It felt more dramatic that way. 

“Fuck,” Pax muttered to himself as he lashed the last knot to tie down the sail. They’d had to down it so the wind wouldn’t snap the mast, and despite Pax wanting to do it before the storm got bad, Natalie had insisted on keeping it up as long as possible for navigation. And since Natalie had been a sailor for decades and Pax for months, her suggestions trumped his. Which was only reasonable, and also Pax trusted that she had a lot of experience not letting ships sink in the rain, so there was that too. 

Once he was done on the knot, Pax got to his feet, bending his knees to avoid falling over, and he nodded at Joel. “That’s it,” he shouted, having to keep his voice raised to be heard over the storm. “Go to the cargo hold and make sure everything is tied down properly.”

“Got it,” Joel shouted back, hurrying off as fast as one could hurry in this weather. Pax had made them take everything that was usually loose on the deck down to the hold and tie it all down so that the crates and barrels and everything wouldn’t bang around with the rocking of the ship and crack open. 

They’d probably still lose some cargo, but that was okay. A little damage was unavoidable in a storm. More important was that they didn’t bang around and kill people. 

Pax took a look around the deck to make sure it was clear, and nodded. Just as he was about to go report that, he saw Nate headed his way. “Sail’s tied down,” he said, as Nate looked at the knot himself. Pax wasn’t offended; on the contrary he was happy to have the second set of eyes to make sure. For himself, Pax watched Jade and Pig climb down the rigging on the mast from where they’d been helping tie up the sail. 

Lightning flashed nearby, lighting up the sea for a moment as thunder tore right above them. “You should go in the cabin,” Nate said as Pax watched Pig and Jade. He was fingering his medallion. “There’s not much for you to do out here.” 

Pax shook his head. “And get tossed around in there all day?”

“Better than getting tossed around out here.” 

“Are you going to come in the cabin?”

It was Nate’s turn to shake his head. “I have to stay out here.”

“Then I do too.”

“I could order you.”

“I could ignore you. I don’t think you have time to punish me for insubordination right now.” Pax raised a hand, pointed at Jade and Pig. “The crew quarters!” he called to them. “We’ll call you if we need hands.” 

Once they’d both run off, Nate sighed. “Okay. Crew needs to know their officers are on deck and you’re one of them, so just be careful and if it…” Nate was cut off by the ship rocking hard to starboard, pulling both of them from their feet and throwing them into a pile on the deck. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Pax said, as Nate helped him up. “This going to be a really long day.”

“Yeah,” Nate agreed, glancing over at the captain. “Going to go see if she needs anything.”

“What should I do?”

“Make sure nothing breaks, check on the crew every so often, and be careful,” Nate told him, patting Pax on the shoulder as he moved over to the helm. 

“You be careful too!” Pax called out, and turned around to make an inspection of the ship. 

It took longer than it should have to do that, just because the ship kept moving, rocking back and forth, waves coming up over the side every few minutes. The amount of water they were taking on was a bit concerning to Pax, but most of it just ran off the deck into the ocean again, so on the balance he figured it was probably okay. Hopefully. 

After checking on the crew, Pax made his way back to the helm, where Natalie was still fighting with the wheel. Pax was never going to complain about how hard driving the ship again. 

He saw this wave coming, from starboard again, and grabbed a rope to keep himself from falling over even as the _Sparkling Wind_ was hit hard with water, rocking them again. Shaking water out of his eyes, Pax kept going, only noticing after a few steps that the ship was still listing. “What the hell?”

He looked up at the helm, saw from Natalie’s posture that she’d noticed too, and turned to run below deck. 

He didn’t get all the way there. “Hull breach!” Tyke shouted, racing up from the crew quarters. He saw Pax, ran to him, out of breath. “Hull breach, that wave buckled the hull, we’re taking on water.”

Pax fought down the wave of cold that hit him. “Get buckets, start bailing us out. There’s spare wood in the cargo hold, cover the spot that’s buckled. I’ll get Nate.”

He wasn’t sure what Nate was going to do, but Tyke nodded and ran off, looking a little ashen. A hull breach in this weather was really bad, Pax thought. Another wave like that could easily make it worse. They weren’t going to be able to fix it with conventional tools, and…

Biting his lip, Pax changed course, ran for Sharon’s cabin. He banged on her door, knowing she was in there. “Sharon!”

The door was pulled open, Sharon in the act of pulling her veil on. “Pax? What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” Pax said, shaking his head. “I need your help. There’s a hull breach. I don’t think they can fix it in time.” As he spoke, another wave rocked the ship, and the listing got noticeably worse. Lighting struck the sea again. “Please.” 

The _Sparkling Wind_ was Pax’s home. He couldn’t stand by and let this happen to it.

And Sharon seemed to understand that, or maybe she felt the same way. “I’ll head below deck right away,” she said, stepping out of the room and heading there without hesitation. Pax’s heart warmed. “You have to report to Natalie, yes?”

“Yeah,” Pax said, nodding. “I’ll come down once I have.” And they shared a nod, hurrying off in different directions. 

“Report, sailor,” Natalie demanded as soon as Pax was in hearing. She was in consultation with Nate at the helm.

“Hull breach in the crew quarters, Cap’n,” Pax said, out of breath. Nate looked stricken. “Those last two waves have us taking on water.”

“There are repair materials and buckets. Organize them into crews, and…”

“I sent Sharon,” Pax interrupted, and Natalie looked at him for a moment while lightning struck much closer to the foreground that Pax would like.

Natalie nodded. “Nate, go check up.”

“Yes, sir.” Nate gave Pax a smile and left the helm, hurrying off.

“Good call, Pax,” Natalie said, keeping the wheel steady with both hands. 

“I try to make those every so often. Shit.” There was another huge wave coming for the ship.

“Grab the helm, it’s a bad day for a swim.”

Pax did as he was told, and the two of them braced themselves to withstand the deluge of water. When it passed, they straightened and Pax’s eyes went downwards to the deck, where Nate had been knocked over. “Nate!”

“Help him up!”

Pax didn’t need to be told twice—or once—and he ran to do just that. Nate was picking himself up already, coughing, so Pax worried less. The deck, he noticed, wasn’t listing anymore. 

Pax was three steps away from Nate when he noticed them. 

“Oh, God…” Pax stopped, looking at the deck. The wave had washed them aboard. Jade’s necklace, Pig’s brace. Two rings. And right in between him and Nate, the crown. 

“Pax…” Nate looked up, then down, eyes widening. “Fuck.”

“We have to get them off the ship,” Pax said, trying not to panic. There was nothing to panic about. “Right now.”

Nate nodded, grabbed the crown and stood, going for the necklace. Pax turned and grabbed the brace, one of the rings, prepared to toss them overboard. The other ring was over near Nate, so Pax went to the rail to toss them overboard, casting a glance at Natalie, whose eyes were on the water.

The brace and the ring pulsed in Pax’s hand, and Pax felt…satisfaction. 

He turned, saw Nate standing there on the deck, looking up at the rainclouds. The Crown on his head. “Oh, no. No, no.” Pax hurried over there, tossing the other pieces aside. “Nate.” 

Nate turned, looked at Pax. He smiled. “Pick those up for me, will you?”

“No,” Pax whispered, approaching. “No. Nate. Please take that crown off. It’s dangerous.”

“Don’t be stupid. After all this trouble, you think I’m going to take this off?” Nate’s smile widened, and he bent over, picked up the Necklace, clipped that on as well. “These belong to me, after all.”

“No, they don’t,” Pax said, stomach twisting as he drew his knife. “No, they don’t, Nate.” He approached, reaching with his free hand for the Crown. “Please.”

Nate grabbed Pax’s arm, put a hand on his chest. “Who’s Nate?”

And he pushed, tossing Pax back like he was made of paper. Pax sailed through the air, landing with a crash on the deck, sliding the rest of the way to the rail. The breath left his lungs as he struck the wood, but Pax gulped it back in, scrambled to his feet. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Natalie coming down from the helm, drawing her knife. 

Nate had wandered over a few paces, picked up one of the Rings. And then a few more paces, to get the second one, and the Brace. And he put them on, one at a time, adorned in bone by the time Pax and Natalie reached him. “We have to get those things off him,” Pax said, struggling to keep his eyes on Nate as Nate held out his arms, eyes shut. Natalie nodded, grim.

The rain rippled around Nate, seeming to go quiet even as it fell harder, and Nate opened his eyes with a frown. “Where’s my Sceptre?” he asked, looking around. “It’s not in the water. I need…”

Pax ran at him, intending to go low, leap and knock the Crown off first. 

Nate didn’t even look at him, just waved a hand. Pax flew backwards as if struck by a whale, landing in a pile again. He saw the same thing happen to Natalie, and Pax let out a cry involuntarily. This wasn’t Nate. Nate wouldn’t do this to them. This was something that had taken Nate, taken his body. They had to take it back. 

There was a flash of fire as Pax stood, and Sharon was standing there, arm out. “Who are you?” she demanded, looking at Nate. “You are not the first mate.”

“Not for a long time,” Nate agreed, raising his own hand. The rain coalesced around him. “Mate, captain, king. What comes after that?” 

The wind rose to a scream, and the water around Nate surged at Sharon, and it exploded into steam. Lightning struck the mast, struck the deck, tearing up the boards. Pax watched the mast crack, not able to breathe. Explosions rocked the air between Nate and Sharon, and the _Sparkling Wind_ shook with them. 

Natalie’s hand fell on Pax’s shoulder. She was bleeding from a cut on her face. “Now, while he’s distracted.”

Pax nodded, trying to compose himself, and the two of them ran at Nate, knives drawn, prepared to strike him. To hurt him. To stop him. 

The deck exploded underneath them and they staggered backwards, falling down. Nate smirked at them, then knocked Sharon back with a gesture. “Fire. You’re out of your element, and I’m bored.”

He threw out his hands, and lightning struck everywhere, tearing the ship everywhere it hit. 

“Nate, no!” Pax screamed, getting to his feet as the deck heaved underneath him. “Don’t. Don’t! This is your home! This is _our home!_ Don’t do this!”

A huge crack opened in the deck. The mast collapsed, falling backwards. Nate looked at Pax, no emotion, no love in his eyes. “Who are you? Who do you think you are, you little nothing, to talk that way to the Sea King?” 

Pax was hit by another whale, and this time he flew up and back, and he wasn’t going to hit the deck when he landed. He heard screaming as he was tossed away from the ship, heard wood cracking, heard wind. And he watched, as he flew back. Watched the ship fall apart, torn to pieces under the Sea King’s onslaught. 

The _Sparkling Wind_ cracked apart, the pieces already being overtaken by the water. People were abandoning ship, jumping into the sea. The Sea King was there in the middle, Nate’s body hovering, arms out, the storm swirling around him as he destroyed Pax’s home, as he took away everything Pax loved. 

All that, Pax saw in a few seconds as he flew through the air. He got to see his world destroyed, and that was the last thing he saw before he hit the water and everything went black. 

And the last thing Pax thought was _Nate_.


End file.
